Chaos

What a day

Everything normal until 3:00 when I decided (with my sore arm and boob) to walk my dogs.

I went just a 2 minute car ride to a wooded spot I usually go to just off the highway.

Dogs walked well, exercising and burning energy. I walked well too, despite my limited mobility.Until, Shabba (my big beefy boy dog) found a bone. Sheeba (my hyper active girl dog) (and NO I did not name them those names...I named Shabba and Sheeba was already named when we got her)Sheeba saw the bone and wanted it, and Shabba was not going to let up. It was wild game and was like heroin in his jaws.I didn't care much, until it was time to get home. I had left the kids at home and didn't like leaving them long by themselves, though my son is perfectly competent and 4 months away from his babysitter course. I tried to get the dogs in the van and Sheeba happily obliged, but Shabba, no way in hell.He thought I was going to take his bone away.
Usually if I get in the van and start to drive away slowly, he will freak out and come running after me and then when I stop he'll get in, not this time! I'd drive he'd run, I'd stop, he'd run...I'd drive further up and down the mountain and continued to do so for 25 minutes and each time, he'd grab his bone and run away....Finally I thought, "screw this!" I needed to get home to the kids and my body was so sore still, so I had no choice...I would get home and wait til my husband got home and he could hopefully go back and get him....I started to drive away but of course, he followed me "On to the HIGHWAY!!" I kept driving (I had to, there were cars behind me now) I could see him running at the side of the road, and I cringed and kept on home. I was STRESSED out, the thought of him getting hit by a car killed me inside...so I frantically ran into the house when my son said to me "Chris is on his way to fix the broken tile in the kitchen, and your doctor called, he has the results of your test, you need to call him right away before they close."

WOW, talk about hittin' me with it all at once!!
I think my stress level went through the roof.
Ok, I called my husband, frantically explained the dog situation, he said he'd deal with it.
Then I called my doc. The important part of the story.

So the guy I called back was not my surgeon, he was my family doctor (my surgeon was on holidays). He told me that he felt like he should call me to give me some news to have over the holidays, because my next appointment wouldn't be until the 5th of Jan. He told me the path report was very in depth and long and he isn't very comfortable reading them, so not to take his interpretation as gospel. BUT!!!! He said my nodes were clear. That he knew for sure. The only problem? How many nodes were taken, and because of the new lump, did they take those sentinel nodes also? Or ARE those the same sentinel nodes? Questions I will find answers to on the 5th, but on my mind...
Then I said, was the second lump cancerous? He said yes, it looked like it was saying it was cancerous...then he said something unnerving "The problem I am seeing with this report is that usually you will see somewhere the status of the nodes (clear) and then that the margins are clear (meaning the tissue they took out around the lumps was free of cancer) This is important because if everything they remove is cancerous that basically means there is still more cancer in my breast and they would AGAIN have to do another surgery (or maybe at this point a mastectomy). He could not find anywhere on this report that my margins are clear. GREAT.
I asked him if the lump was new or old and he swayed toward the idea of it being written that it seemed new (not good, a lump growing that fast, is extremely rare and means the cancer is ridiculously aggressive) He also told me that it was looking like I have the gene. This means (I think) the BRCA gene meaning I would have a great risk for recurrence in the same or other breast, ultimately meaning a mastectomy in my future.
Now I don't wanna get ahead of myself here....he was giving his "interpretation only" and then from there I placed my interpretations and I am not even close to properly educated so, this could all change come the 5th. But at least I would take the good news into my Xmas holidays with me and wallow in it. Yes, maybe I won't truly know the truth until the 5th but what I do know now ?
"What a fricking day!!"
Absolute chaos.
Wish I was laying on a beach with a margarita.
MEXICO (the light at the end of the tunnel)

HoHoHo...YAY!!!

I love Christmas!! It is Xmas eve and I am over the moon!! My family's tradition is very European and we open the majority of our gifts on Xmas eve while snacking on an array of appy-type foods (instead of a dinner, that's for Xmas day) and wine and hot cider! I don't know, but it is an easy recipe for happiness! I can't wait to see the faces of my children as they open their gifts!
On the cancer-front, I got a call from my family doctor the other day (yesterday I think) and he said though he can't read pathology reports too well (my surgeon is on holiday til the 5th) he wanted to give me a few tidbits of info...
Looks like my lymph nodes are CLEAR of cancer!!!! YAYAYAYAYA! This he knows for sure! The info below (the bad news) he is translating in his own way and may not be gospel.
Looks like my cancer may be a genetic thing (if I have the gene my chances of recurrance at my age is very high)
My second lump was cancer and there didn't seem to be any margins (which means there is probably cancer still in my breast)
All of the "bad news" above is leaning toward me getting a double mastectomy (with reconstruction obviously)
From what I have read, getting a double mastectomy, if I have the gene, would turn my risk of recurrance from 65-85% down to only 5%, which I am more than happy with at this point.
I won't get into details on this any more until I talk to my surgeon to find out if this info is even correct, as my doc even said "don't mark my words"...so Jan5th will be the next cancer update.
But I will fill you in on my festivities from now until then.
Love Love Love
Dreamer.

Christmas Spirit is REAL!

Was having a bad slump of a few days, but today was a GREAT day!
My body seems to be healing well, and today I moved around very well without much pain at all.
I went for a walk with my family and dogs, treated my soul to a mocha (it's a big deal cause with the cancer I am supposed to stop sugar and caffine as much as I can)...
Then we went to town and took the van to the shop to get fixed up for another trip to Alberta (to see family on boxing day)
Then to the mall, and took my husband to the clinic (he has strep :(boo)
Then 2 grocery store stops, one of which was my workplace and I made it about 2 steps in when I was surrounded by co-workers who just threw love at me and worry and care and I loved it. Sometimes I don't, but I think I was needing some love and attention for good energy build up you know? My husband bought me a cute wooden penguin with a santa hat...so cute, named him Walter.
All of this without feeling too bad (a few dizzy spells, nothing major) I actually felt almost normal again.
Then we went on to Nana and Grandad's to have tea and a visit (which is always nice and cozy) when we get a call from my work. My supervisor is asking my father in law if we are going to be at our home tonight, he says yes (without telling them I was there)
When we get home, I am expecting a visit so I tidy up a bit, I already have my makeup on, cause I was out (this is a big deal because I have looked like shit 90% of the last month)
Next thing I know the dogs start barking, Hubby and I run to the patio door, look out and don't see any car lights, but then, I see a herd of people in my driveway!! It's a bunch of people from work and they start singing Xmas carols!!
I couldn't believe it! I open the door, and start laughing and smiling and they sing and sing, and there was people there I didn't even know gave a shit about me...it was crazy!
I invited them all in and (now I think back I didn't even offer them a drink! shit!) they handed me a gift, and we chatted and it was a bit akward having all of that attention on me, but it was amazing and the nicest thing ever done for me. Especially when I opened the gift. I huge wad of bills and a huge stack of gift cards for my grocery store I work at. I won't say how much, but it was ridiculous. This money will save us sooooo many worries the next few months and that is priceless to me. I feel almost guilty though, because I have cursed my job so many times...but they all need to know, it has never been them I have cursed. They are the reason I have stayed so far. They have been my family. This is REAL Christmas spirit.
And though I don't feel worthy, I need the money right now, so instead, I am going to pay it forward someday soon....as soon as I can and as soon as I see when the time is right. And it isn't all about the money anyways...the love is there and the words and actions it blows me away.
I am blessed today.
Thank you.
ahhhh....
Thank you for a good
day.

Cancer Smancer Blog

Can't avoid it now can I? I'd love to blog about a sweet Mexican holiday or winning the lottery, but that won't happen til next year. Right now's reality?
Cancer Smancer.
Drove my usual hour drive to the hospital for my 2 surgery's combined into one. Removal of more tissue (creating a bigger margin) around my lumpectomy site, and a sentinnel lymphnode biopsy. This will tell me the stage of cancer I am at...or if all of the cancer was removed in the lumpectomy.
anywho...
8:00am they put me in a gown and tell me they are going to inject me wit a radio-active dye to locate which nodes are closest to my cancer site. That way they can pull those and test them for spreading before yanking the whole bunch.
Before they inject me they have to ultrasound the cancer area to mark where the lump was removed...because my last surgery was so recent there is still fluid there and they need to mark it to make sure they don't inject that area with radio active dye (sounds pleasant hey?) So I go into this room, my husband waiting out in the hall. There is this really awkward Russian guy about to do my ultra sound...he seems nervous or uncomfortable (kinda funny) anyways this guy soon turns out to be my hero, my fate. As he's scanning my fluid sac area he moves the camera up a little and I look over and I see it. ANOTHER LUMP. I say to him, "It's another lump isn't it?" he says "You do not know of zis lump?" I say " I had a feeling, but no, you and I are the only ones as of this moment."
HOLY SHIT.
Did this lump grow since my last ultra sound (chances are almost nil, though nothings impossible) if so, I'm in trouble,
Did this lump get overlooked at the first ultra sound? (I have been told that the tech isn't allowed to scan more of the breast than my pointed out lump)
Did the surgeon forget or ignore the idea to have all of my breast (an my other breast for that matter) checked for other masses?? CRAZY!!!
The lump measured 1cm, and was about 1-2cm from the original mass. It IS a mass, not a cyst, so fibrodenoma or cancer pretty much.
I freaked and asked everyone to page my surgeon...I needed to tell him so we could make a plan to get it out with the same surgery, the last thing I was going to do was leave there without dealing with it, only to have to come back AGAIN!
Well, it was a long day of waiting, I saw my husband cry (which never happens, he's the "strong one") and I just tried to sleep until it was time to deal with it. Throughout the day I told nurses that I needed my surgeon to get this info, and everyone said "he will, he will" and said they passed the word on....he never came to me.
Finally I was wheeled away from my husband and put in the place I go right before surgery starts, and my surgeon came over.
I was bawling....
HE: "What's wrong? Nervous?"
ME: "Yes, did you hear yet?"
HE: "Hear what?"
ME: "There's another lump, we found it this morning."
HE: "What!?" He then felt around, thought he may have felt it, then went downstairs to look at the ultrasound and came back up.
I couldn't tell if he was stressed or being rude to me, or what but he had a dark demeanor.
He told me "Don't worry, it's close to the other one, we will get it out."
ME: "I just want it all out, all of it, I hate this!"
Then I went in and went to sleep. When I woke, he was there, again, dark...darker even...was he depressed, did he feel bad? Was he mad at me? Was he just tired? Either way it made me feel uneasy.
He quickly just told me that I may get a call over Xmas holidays, but if not, to book in with him in the new year.
NICE, now I get to wait 2 weeks for answers?? And why was he so weird to me? What a mind jerk.
So here I am, in bed, healing. Computing my brains out. I just keep looking at Mexico, and vacation packages I might be able to take once this is over with. A prize at the end of a dark journey so to speak. Here are some quotes I have bonded with.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

Things and the Christmas Spirit

Well, it's almost Christmas, and with it almost being time for my surgery (2 sleeps) and lymphnode biopsy, I am scrambling to get as much done as I can before I am out of commission AGAIN! So because I was in Alberta last week (visiting my fam) I have major to do...I woke up at 5am thins morning feeling ready to take it all on. I felt the need to confront my co-workers as they have been trying to connect with me since this all went down and all I have given them was some facebook time. I was avoiding it because I sometimes feel like a circus freak, and I know everyone wants a piece andI am low key on a good day. Regardless, I convinced my son to come with me and we stopped in. Iam glad I did, now I feel like I can go in there anytime and will be ok. Plus, it prevents them all from stopping by my house (which I just hate) I like my privacy and I never know when I am going to be in a sad place and crying and then DING DONG! Just an overall invasion if you ask me. I did a little juicing today with my new juicer, that was yummy, and I bought some organic cane sugar to do some Xmas baking that I can eat without as much guilt (I found out cancer feeds 98% off of sugar alone)
When I was in Alberta I bought a book called "Beating Cancer with Nutrition" and researched the shit out of what foods and vitamins are best for me and worst. Plus I have a friend who is 2 years ahead of me and had B/C as well before 30 so she fills me in on all the goods...walked my dogs, bought an Xmas tree, decorated it, had a few crys, you know, the usual.
My kids were awesome this year, I don't know if it is because I am seeing things more clearly or what but they seemed so extra stoked on Xmas today. I loved watching them sing to carols on my CD, and crack nuts with the cracker and decorate the tree...etc...it made me happy and it made me scared. I better not be really sick.
So Tuesday is surgery day and I find out whether I have any cancer left, if it had spread and how much (staging of my cancer) So far I am a stage one, grade three (dirty buggers)..everyone seems confident that I will be fine and have no spreading, but I don't trust anyone hunches anymore except my own. Last surgery my doc told me my lump looked benign and to not worry, and now look.
My hunch, you ask? I feel like I will have good news and bad news still to come. With the good out weighing the bad. I guess the bad is that either way, I have to go through chemo and Radiation....and I found out that I may go through early menopause from it all. FUN! Anyways, I am going to lock myself in the land of IPOD (Joshua Radin) and close my eyes and drift. I have one day left to clean and prepare for my big day.
peace, love and dreams of Mexico.
soon.


below, a postcard from postsecret.com
i felt i could relate.

Cancer-mares

3:00 am Alberta time...(I am visiting my sister)

Haven't slept good in days...I keep having dreams about my cancer, treatments, my juicer I bought, ANYTHING to do with it and when I wake up (on average every 30 min) my firt thought is "Oh! It was al a bad dream, I'm fine!" and then I realize it is a reality. boo....

You know, I wanted to make my blog more about Mexico, so that I could focus on it everyday and manifest it better, so that it would happen quicker. Now I am just writing about this illness....but I guess that is because it is a reality in my life, and I would be ignoring it if I didn't write truth. And though I don't write about my Mexican dreams lately, they are even more common as I realize that life is too short to wait on things you love...I am excited to see how this all plays out. Like I say and have said before, if it was psooible to sell our home right now without a MAJOR penalty, we'd be there. I think in the near future, a trip to explore the diffrerent place we want to move to. I am thinking Chelem or Progresso...still close to Merida for work, but nice and small and on the ocean. I really want to explore the other side also, Sayulita and area...there are so many wonderful places, Mexico is so exciting to me and I am going to need a holiday after this...

Mojito, Tropical Flowers, Birds Songs, Soft Sand, Warm Clear Water, Beautiful Mexican People....

I need this calming thought to soothe my stress.

mmmmm......

back to bed.

Blogging Celebrity!!

Oh MY!!!
I started this blog as a diary...I truly thought if you wanted it it accessible to others you had to set up a host or pay a fee or something. I was truly unaware...I wrote it with the intention that I may make it public one day however, but I didn't know it could just SHOW up on the radar, until yesterday!
I was reading Canucka's blog (my fav) and I use her page as my blog surfing portal (I told you I am not computer savvy) and I just about crapped myself! I saw my blog on her blog list...does anyone know how it got there? Is it just when you reach a certain number of posts and it has a keyword (Mexico) it gets posted? Or is it because I follow her blog? ANYWAYS! It was kinda exciting but I sort of freaked out and went back and read my blogs to insure I hadn't insulted anyone or posted something that might get my family upset or myself fired. I then thought to myself, if this is going to be a real blog, I can't sugar coat it. these are my true feelings and everyone has feelings they are afraid of showing. I you read this and judge me then you don't really know me or love me, or accept me for who I really am. And you are in denial because everyone has feelings or thoughts that are dark...they just don't speak them aloud. Plus, now, that this is a cancer blog...if I am to help anyone, I need to be raw and uncensored. So don't read this if you are in denial of true life and raw feelings or if you are highly sensitive. The only big worry I have is that my family...will find the blog, read it, and get upset because they don't know that we are wanting to move to Mexico. I used to live in Alberta Canada and I hated the big city, so we decided to pack up and move to Nelson BC Canada (BEST fricking town in Canada by the way) because my husband was born and raised here and it is full of life and culture and BEAUTY!!! Anyways, my family did not deal well with this move. They take it personally. I LOVE my family, I am so tight with my sister and her daughter, but I cannot live her life , I have to live my own! They will never understand, or if they do, they will always hate it and I will always feel guilt. Plus they don't know I even blog, so I assume they will never find it, and if they do, I will already have moved to my new Mexican home! :)
Well, that's it for now!
Your's truly,
celebrity blogger ;)

So a more detailed description of my day, not because I think you want to read it but because I am up at 1am, wide awake with a shitload on my mind and it would be good therapy to get it out.
ready set go...
I woke up today feeling decent, knowing I had a trip to the doctors this afternoon, but after my surgery he told me twice that he wasn't concerned and my lump looked benign, so after that I have felt fine. I was looking forward to going the hours drive so I could go to a department store that I love, that we don't have here where I live. I decided I would take my daughter, so to treat her to McDonalds, (a novelty we also don't have here, probably for the best!!) and I wanted the company. Normally I would force my husband to take the day off (any excuse) and have him come with me in case it was bad news or whatever, But I was only expecting the doc to look at my scar and say "It's healing well, and you're cancer-free" so, I thought my daughter would be perfect company. I packed up my dogs to walk them before heading out and after a gorgeous (BRISK) walk (I live in Canada, in the mountains) I decided I didn't want to drive the 10 minutes out of my way to drop the dogs back off at home. They could come with, it would be a quick drive back home after my 3:40pm appointment.
Shopped, (found some sweet deals, 3 big bags of loot for $25 CDN) some Xmas gifts, some stuff for me and some threads for my neglected spouse :(
Then it was time for the doc. Rolled in with my 6 year old, dogs are starting to get ancy now but I'll be in and out in no time and a fairly quick drive home...
Go in, sit, daughter plays...
Doc comes out to call us in and seemed weird about my daughter being there, I thought maybe it cause he'd feel weird looking at my breast with her in the room, I told him she was fine to be with us.
I didn't clue in, until he shut the door and said "I was absolutely SHOCKED by your results!" I thought "What does that mean?" but when I remembered him basically telling me my lump was cancer -free (from looking at it) then I knew, he could only be shocked if it WASN'T cancer-free...I said "You're kidding!"
he "No, I am not."
I laughed (and it's a good thing I did because my daughter was in the room and had no idea there was a problem) Anyways, he explained the cancer to me and I kept smiley and cheery for the most part, I don't know why, I think I was scared to cry in front of a stranger, AND my daughter, I was also in shock...so he thought I was ok and said goodbye to me and as I walked out of the office with my daughter in tow, I felt dizzy, and a panicky need to call my husband. I was in a weird town one hour away from my home town and how was I going to drive...all I needed was to talk to someone and tell someone. But I don't own a cellphone. I cancelled it way back because I never used it and hated the idea of people being able to reach me when I didn't want them to....idiot.
I got on the elevator and fought the urge to cry. I got off the elevator and walked into the pharmacy and asked them where the nearest payphone was, because noone was going to let me use their regular phone for long distance!! SHIT!!!!!!
They told me the rink, but I didn't know where that was, I was officially having a nightmare. Stuck in a foreign place, alone in the cold, with my daughter and 2 ancy dogs with no phone and no idea where a phone was and a huge burden on my chest...I couldn't breathe! But I had to , because I had to pretend everything was ok, in front of my daughter. NIGHTMARE!!
Finally I find a 711 store, I tell my kid and dogs to wait in the car and I get out to use the phone. I don't have a calling card so I called collect to my house, no answer. it was 4:30 and my husband gets off at 4:30, so he wouldn't be home til at least 4:45...shit. I called my sister in Alberta collect...it wouldn't work, apparantly her phone doesn't accept collect calls...NOW I am freaking out, and cold to boot! I go into the store, and buy a calling card (everything seemed to be so hard and take SOOOOOOO long, like time stopped) I take the calling card outside and scratch off the pin number area, and SCRATCH THE NUMBER RIGHT OFF!!! Are you KIDDING me!!
Needless to say, it was the WORST day of my life thus far. It was like a bad dream. I finally got a hold of my in-laws to drive to where I was to pick me up and drive me home while I bawled....
the rest was a blur...I told everyone I could as fast as I could (I don't know why, it's just what I felt like I needed to do) my husband hugged me, my kids were fine doing there own thing downstairs ...my mom, who just recovered from breast cancer a year ago, was sweet but sad. So now I have been awake all night, thinking, crying, worrying....

**This post was written on December4th - 1AM, but edited and posted today Dec 5

In the Garden two

Artwork: #101 of 1

Day One

Got up today.
Finished decorating for Xmas.
Walked my dogs.
Picked up my daughter from school.
Drove 1 hour to have a surgeon look at my boob scar.
Found out I have cancer.
Realized not owning a cellphone is ridiculous.
Felt trapped.
Couldn't find payphone.
In weird town.
Can't cry in front of my 6 year old daughter.
Can't call anyone.
Trapped.
Nightmare.

Duh, duh, duh duh......DUHHH!

ALAS!
Tomorrow is the day I get the results from my lumpectomy! I had the surgery on Friday and the doc said when I woke up form my groggy day dream of Mexico...he said that the lump looked benign to hime, but he would test it anyways.. I was so high from the anesthetics that when I woke up I asked the nurse to see the lump. She said "You sure?" I said "Yes.." and she brought over a container with a white, chunky ball (looked like fat tissue) in it. at least I think that really happened, who knows it was all blurry to me. :)
It was scary and painful and all of that, but I am glad it's over with and I am glad after tomorrow I will be able to move on.
Next I will fill you in on my work epiphany and recent confrontations that may get me through the next few years til I reach my goal and get my ass down south where I belong...

BIRFDAY PARTY!

"That's right, BIRFDAY!!!"

I threw my daughter her 6th birthday party today, because I didn't know what was going to lie ahead for me after my surgery on Friday, and her real birthday is on Christmas DAY!!
SO we had a beautiful girlie tea party birthday party...
All the girls dressed up in their frills and I decorated the table with as many doilie's and silverware as I could find and called in the troops!
It was a grand success and I felt like Martha Stewart for a day, so everybody wins!
This week coming (Friday) is the scheduled date for my lumpectomy...I have to go one hour to a hospital for the surgery which sucks cause it is a disgusting town (sorry and no offense to those of you who live there) that makes me feel unhealthy. There is a GI-NORMOUS lead smelter smack in the middle of the town, just oozing out it's sick onto everything. I'll go, oh I'll go, but it will be kicking and screaming!
Ciao.

Blah, November in Canada...

It has been the shits lately! The sky never seems to fully reach it's daily brightness....I woke up today at 11:00 am and it looked like the sun was already starting to set!! It's cold and WET and dirty out there...the only good thing? It smells like campfire and rainy pine needles....mmmmm
Today is my consultation for my surgery, I don't know why I am excited because nothing is really going to happen, but I am looking forward to more answers!
I was browsing on THE BEST real estate website last night, my sweet friend and her husband own...not sure if I am allowed to plug it or not...oh! what the heck!! www.mayanliving.com IS THE BEST! Especially the service!! But while I was searching, I just started laughing!! It isn't their fault, and I hope if they ever read this, they don't take offense...There were some of the FUNNIEST decorating ideas I had ever seen!! I am NOT slamming Mexico, because Mexico is my SOUL, but, I was just in a funny mood and I thought I'd share some of what made me laugh...keep in mind, the majority of the listings I see are ABSOLUTLEY fantastic!! Can't expect you won't have to do some redecorating for a $30,000 home!!

HERE WE GO!!!

WOW, I guess in a bathroom, BROWN is the theme!

But this person likes GREEN!!!

That takes A LOT of effort!!

The one below , I am not sure if this picture will help sell it or not...but I guess you want to have the truth as to what you are buying....YIKES!!

Anyways, there are a lot of homes like this in Mexico for sale, and I guess that is why you don't pay too much for your home, ....I must admit though, I had a good laugh!

I'll blog later to fill you in on the appointment...

Ciao!

Still Waiting....

( Jan.4/10-there are statements in this post that I wish I had never written, maybe a manifestation of sorts?? Though it was true in the moment, I wish I could take it all back)



Well it's been a while since my last blog, so, though not much has changed or happened here lately, I do have a wee bit of catching up to do.
Firstly, Halloween was a success! The kids had a blast and I got one of my favorite homemade candy apples from my husbands old neighbour. YUMMY!!!!
Then we came down with the FLU!!!! First the husband, then the son, then myself.....my daughter and international boy have been spared so far.....not sure if it was the swine, I doubt it though.....
Finally I have an appointment set up for a consultation at the suregeons, for my lumpectomy. I hope I can get in right away for the actual surgery as I just want to know what's ahead of me. You know what the really sad, sick thing is? A deep dirty secret that I have? In a small way, I want it to be cancer. Only because right now, I am hating my life so badly that I would like to have a year off to reflect on important things and decide what I really need in my life to make me happy....I know, I could beat cancer right now in my life, so I am not really afraid, though the treatments aren't pretty and the fear of it coming back as a bigger, badder cancer kind of scares me, but honestly, I feel like I control my health and I just won't allow something to get in the way of what I want.
But what do I want.
I think I want to do some charity work when we move down south. I want to feel like I am making some change in the world. Especially in regards to animals and the eco system. I think Mexico needs me, and I need it just as bad. Regardless, I NEED something to happen in my life, I NEED and epiphany, I am on the brink, I can feel it and I am ready with arms wide open.
"COME ON!!!"

"Halloween and Sunny Beaches"

I Love Sundays (when I don't work)
Last night was Halloween. What a blast. I love Halloween...fall leaves, running around in the dark, dressing up in costume, endless supply of candy...it goes on....
We took the kids out to live vicariously through them and create memories. It was a success! After the best candy apples in the world (from an old neighbor who has been making them for years) My husband and I sent the kids home with a babysitter and headed out to a party.
We drank much to much, laughed so hard we cried and generally had an awesome time.
Today we pay.
I have spent my entire day so far reading blogs (I love my new find "Refried Dreams") and planning my future in Mexico. I figure in 4 years we will have $20,000 of savings, not to mention equity in our home (God! I hope!) so we should be in good shape to maka da move. I can't wait. I just can't wait. I read an awesome post on "Hammock Musing in Merida" (this guy always puts into words what I am thinking) here is the statement of why I want to move to Mexico

"I went to Mexico because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -Thoreau

YES! That sums it up!! Let the living begin!

Well, off to....do absolutely nothing but day dream all day.
peace, love, and Mexico.

lump sat alone in a boggy marsh, totally motionless except for her heart....

Hello.
Well just waiting til Tuesday to find out the results of my "lump" ultrasound. I freaked out for a day when I spoke to the clinic about my results....the fact that they wouldn't tell me over the phone (I know, I know they just don't) and that they told me they needed me for a 3o min appointment made me panic. I mean, if it's nothing, couldn't they just tell me that or let me pop in for a 5 min appointment to be granted the good news? So I panicked. HARD.
Everyone kept telling me it didn't mean anything and "not to worry" which really PISSES me off. I mean, what a cop out! "Oh! OK, I won't worry, right, thanks for the great advice, why didn't I think of that....not worrying, good idea." It's just a cop-out easy thing to say when they can't think of anything else to say. But I know it is meant with good intentions, fair enough.
Anywho, I then got online and looked up images of ultrasound results both cancerous and non-cancerous, and much to my surprise I felt my first sense of relief in 2 weeks! It "looks" like my cyst is a "simple" cyst which means it is a solid circle with a sharp outline and is almost always cancer-free. Now, I don't know this for sure but I got a good look at my ultrasound and when I compared what I saw to the pics on the internet, it looked good. So I am gonna go with that until Tuesday at 1:30 when I get my results. :)

Paro NOT Parros

Tonight we had our first Spanish lesson!!! We are fortunate to have this awesome guy Ben, come into our home and teach us Spanish every week, and tonight was our first meeting with him. He was great! Information overload but we took notes and I will study through the week and, this is something I really want, so I am going to put a lot of energy into it.
I have 2 days off starting tomorrow, so I am looking forward to relaxing. I have been feeling REALLY tired lately, don't know if it's due to my health or just change of season. It snowed today. First snowfall of the year.
BOOOOO!
Yes, it's beautiful....to look at.....in a PHOTO!!! I don't like being cold!!
But I do like a wood, fire, and the smell of it through the crisp air. That's nice. I am quickly becoming aware of all of the things I will miss or not have once we make our transition. Some things I feel sad about, and some I am excited for. Either way, it is a compromise.
No call from the hospital today.
Yesterday I cried. I broke down. I thought of my kids and I lost it.
I admit, I am a little scared, but hopefully it is just a lump.
til' morrow'
buenos noches!
;)

lump.

Wizard of Oz just started playing on the televison..."there's no place like home?" is this a sign?
Don't think so.
Well, well well. A lot has happened this last few days since I posted. Late Thursday night I was getting ready for bed and I was doing a self breast exam (I do this often as there is quite a history of breast cancer in my family) and much to my surprise I felt a lump. I felt it again, maybe I was wrong, maybe it was part of my breast....no, that is not normal. a lump. I thought I was going to be sick, I felt like I was spinning on a merry go round'. You see, this caused major panic because my Mom just recovered from breast cancer and so did my 27 year old friend....this was too much a reality for me.
I hoped I would go to the doctor's and he would touch it and instantly tell me it was nothing. My beautiful husband booked me an appointment. It didn't go as I had planned. Apparently there is something foreign there, but he can't tell if it is just a cyst or what, so I am now waiting for a call from the Nelson hospital for a biopsy and ultrasound.
BOO.
Feelings around this have ranged from helpless panic (mostly when I think of my kids) to fearlessness, and belief it is nothing... ("MEH!") to anger.
I get and have always gotten really angry about the "hoopla" surrounding Breast Cancer.
I feel like people celebrate it, and cash in and profit from it. Do you know how many times I have found a pink ribbon on something at a store and there is no mention that there is any proceeds donated to research?? It is common. And even if they do donate, I feel like it is still a ploy to make a sale and all of the intentions are selfish. I also believe a lot in manifestation and I feel like there is SO much energy focusing on breast cancer in general that it can't be good. And maybe we should be focusing on "prevention research" rather than "cure" because if we are focusing on a cure, then we are manifesting people to actually get the disease...!!!
Do I sound CRAZY?? I don't know, but I have felt this way since even before my Mom was diagnosed. And now that I have a scare, it REALLY annoys me. Where I work, we are all supposed to dress up in Pink and support breast cancer and I feel like it is a slap in my face , like everyone is "supporting" and "celebrating" it. I am trying to turn my attitude around, but it's hard. I just wish it wasn't such a money making "fad", it affects some of us VERY personally, and shouldn't be made light of.
So this event had me thinking..."What if?" would this change everything?? Maybe. But if this turns out to be cancer. I will fight it with no problem. Because I have an agenda, and noone gets in the way of what I want. I will fight, and recover and continue on with my life with more of a fearlessness and drive than ever.
There's no place like home??
There's no place like MEXICO!
-<3

Peace, Love and Mexico

Yesterday was another day at work to fill most of my hours but then we all hopped in the car and drove a half hour to the movie theater. I love that it takes us a journey to go to a film. These are the things I love in life. This is why I know I will love small town Mexico. It seems like more of a treat when it isn't at your finger tips.
We watched "Where The Wild Things Are" and I thought it was fantastic! It really hit home with me, in fact, I was crying within the first 10 minutes!! I spoke to me so loud and clear about life, my life, and childrens lives. There is a scene in the beginning where this little boy just dying for companionship and a playmate (as most kids do on a daily basis) is trying to get the attention of his Mom ,who is too busy and stressed about bills and work (as most of us are). She is pretty much ignoring him, and he just lays there under her desk, playing with her stocking, looking at her. It killed me! I live that everyday! The boy is just so desperate for her attention, and she wants to give him all her attention but can't stop stressing and then she feels guilty and so on...

It is my life. It was my life as a child (being the boy) and it is my life now, (being the mom). I sobbed so hard, I thought I would have to leave my seat. I guess my guilt is bigger and badder than I thought. But IS there a magical place where things are different? Where the stresses are less and children and parents meet on a middle ground with out, guilt, resentment and a forced smile? I believe there is and it is part of my motivation. Don't get me wrong, I know you can make small sacrifices and changes TODAY to help the relationship between mother and child...but, for it to be more natural, you need to simplify your life and be in a place that makes you smile from the moment you open your eyes, and wraps around and warms you like a fuzzy blanket.

When I got home from the movie, I had a reply to an ad I had posted for Spanish lessons. Looks like I found us a personal Spanish tutor to come into our home and help us learn. He sounds great and has had lots of experience travelling through Meixco and Latin America plus he has studied Spanish his whole life, so I am excited to get started.

Lets see what today brings me all bundled up with a bow. It is day one of two days off and I am going to milk it, as I always do, so I may write more today, as an outlet.

Peace Love and Mexico.

Back to the Grind!!

After having 5 delicious days off (I haven't slept like that since I was 15 years old!) I am officially heading back to work today. I am not really sure how i feel about it. Though I love the challenge of my job and all of the people I work with, I just can't stop dreaming of Mexico. I love to spend a whole day reading about the lifestyle and looking at the real estate online. Truly, I can spend an entire day doing this, with a continuous cup of joe and be perfectly content.
13 hours later....
On my way to work, I looked around at this beautiful place I live in, the mountains, lush forests, moss and vegetation oozing out of every cobblestone cranny that forms this historic mining town I have called home (for only two years) Only 2 years! Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so ancy all of the time? Elders have always frowned upon my natural ways like I have some sort of problem. I have thought at different times I may have adult ADD, maybe I am running from something? (can't think of anything) Or maybe I don't like who I am and I am looking for a distraction. That's my favorite one. People always say if someone can't settle down it's because they don't want the chance to look at their lives and look in the mirror because they know they wont like what they will see. Hmmmm, don't think so, but you never know.
Basically I have always looked at life as an hour glass and I just want to EXPERIENCE! And the famous saying is, if it feels good, do it! Well, Mexico feels REAL good! And I want my life to be "extra"ordinary. I don't want to have years of boredom or lull, I want diversity for my kids too! I want my life to be something that can be written about in the end, and have people enthralled with it!
Sidetracked: So as I was admiring my current surroundings on my way to work, I thought to myself, "Self, it is so important to be grateful for the present and live for the moment, and though you have this dream, which WILL happen (with my track record, sooner rather than later) though you have this dream, you need to love where you are at right now, this moment or all of your adventures will be nothing but a second of thrill and then the longing for wanting more"
MAN! This was an Ah ha moment for me and the best advice I have ever given myself. There is nothing wrong with a goal, but what fun is it to acheive if the entire road there, I am miserable? And true, I am blessed in the present, I have nothing to be miserable right now, and though lying on the beach is in my blood, I will get there faster and happier and less exhausted if I am positive and enjoy every step along the way.
Thank you Life!
Giddy Up!

Blog-o-rama

Well! I feel like I have been staring at lasers for the last 5 hours, but no, I haven't, I have been reading blogs! I started my day (going on 4th day off of work) with a cup of coffee, and my favorite hobby, dreaming of MEXICO! I love searching on the internet for real estate in Mexico and any info on moving and relocating to Sunny Paradise (MEXICO). You see, my husband and I have been there only 3 times in the last 2 years, but we both feel a connection to the people and culture (and of course a major connection to the margaritas) and we have made our goal to move there. We're not sure exactly when, it changes between 13 years (when my daughter turns 18) OR 5 years, or even 3 years (when our mortgage is up and we can sell). Regardless, the hunt is on, for the right place and the knowledge of what we need and have to do in order get our dream to happen.

I have searched the internet numerous times for info on relocating, immigration, real estate, jobs and such and have not had much luck.........until today! I somehow started on a documentary site for "Lost and Found in Mexico" a documentary I need to see!! and then from there, I went to a website for

casita de las flores blogs: san miguel de allende

which was soooo sweet! It reminded me of "Under the Tuscan Sun" but better, cause it's Mexico! So that was inspiration #2!
Next, I found my way to www.mayanliving.com where there was a lot of great places for great prices! I found the site easy to get around on and was thankful for that. So, I emailed one of the realtors in hopes of having a contact to help me in the future and possibly answer some questions I had. Teresa, was AWESOME! She emailed back right away and answered some questions and forwarded her blog which I find "DREAMY" beach bum in the yucatan is the name of her blog.
I wonder if I love it so much because she is living where I want to move to and I am vicariously living through her?, But I can visualize everything she writes about!! I read every post she had, smiling the whole time!! Then I moved on to inspiration #4 (Teresa was #3) Canuck in Cancun!
What a blasty-blast. She is so funny and easy to relate to. I don't like it quite as much because I am not a major fan of Cancun and don't like imagining it as much. However, it is fun reading about her outings and experiences of all of the places I have been to, and love....such as Akumel Beach, Azul Cenotes and so on.....
Now I'm here. I am going to do my own blog. My journey to achieving my dream. My path from here to there. Let's see how long it takes, and all I get to go through along the way. Maybe my blog will help others with their journey. Because I tell, ya, those blogs were not just entertainment, but they gave me more honest, genuine, info on the transition into life in Mexico than any shitty website I have stumbled upon. So I am jumping on the bandwagon...."here I go!!!!"

Ciao for now.
PS. get used to to the poor spelling, sentence structure and grammer....I don't have time to spell check if I am going to do this everyday, so if it bothers you. Don't read it. ;)