Dream Creator

Dream Creator
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Just a small town Canadian dreamer... This started as the diary of a young woman's experience with breast cancer and continues 5 years later as the diary of a woman, like many other, who has decided to take her lemons and make lemonade. **If reading this blog for the purpose of learning about my breast cancer experience, PLEASE START AT THE OLDEST POST (October 2009) AND WORK YOUR WAY FORWARD**

Sunday, July 10, 2011

New issues.

Sun is out and I am feeling strong and happy!
It is hard not to remember that last year at this time I was walking around with a walker and today I spent the day digging 4ft holes for building our fence!
We are planning a little yard reno.
We have a gorgeous 1/4 acre yard and we hardly use it!
It is sloped and that makes it tough to sit outside and use the space.
There is a good chunk of lawn that is flat but it is a fenced dog run.
So, we decided to fence the entire yard and open up the dog run so we can use it for a patio and fire pit etc....
The little hair shop is going quite well.
I feel like I am building a strong clientele base and the walk ins have been steady.
However, I still struggle with anxiety when I have a slower day.
It all comes from insecurities I think??
I just have to stop myself from feeling that way and have trust that I will be taken care of as I have my entire life. God hasn't let me down.
The wigs have been selling like mad and I am loving that aspect of business.
I love making people feel beautiful and giving them the gift of confidence which is on a whole nother level when it comes to hair loss.
In 2 weeks my husband and I are off to Vancouver for The Young Adult Cancer Retreat.
It is a free getaway for cancer survivors and those living with cancer under 40.
I look forward to some delayed healing as I feel I have put some of my healing on the back burner just to enjoy life for a bit in remission.
However, taking that step back from cancer has made my issues present themselves, and I need to address them before they grow.
Like I said before, insecurities have been a BIG problem.
I feel like I am WAY more insecure than I ever was, and I wonder why this is.
The strange thing too is that I am not even talking about being insecure about getting ill again. It's about my looks, my face, my personality, people liking me, being accepted, being a good hairdresser, being a good cook....etc.
It's like when I achieve and have something to feel good about, a little voice in my head tells me something else. It slags me and tells me something that makes me feel bad or question myself, or gives me something to stress over.
It won't just let me be happy.
What is this all about??
You'd think, seeing the light would have shown me the important things in life! Well, it has...it HAS. But for some reason, even though I know I need to love myself and enjoy life, I just can't stop the anxiety and insecurities...
I am going to bring it up at the retreat but I may also sign up for some more counselling when I get home too.
I will figure it out and work through it.
I am enjoying my few days off and tomorrow I am going to take my daughter to the library, get a latte and come home to keep the digging going.
I am determined to get the yard done before I host my husband's 35th birthday party on the 23rd.
And, well, you know what happens when I am determined!!