Dream Creator

Dream Creator
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Just a small town Canadian dreamer... This started as the diary of a young woman's experience with breast cancer and continues 5 years later as the diary of a woman, like many other, who has decided to take her lemons and make lemonade. **If reading this blog for the purpose of learning about my breast cancer experience, PLEASE START AT THE OLDEST POST (October 2009) AND WORK YOUR WAY FORWARD**

Monday, January 2, 2012

My date with 2012

It's gotta be a good one.
I have been slugging thru my life lately.
Not really enjoying much.
I guess on the surface level, it's ok, but those under layers?
They are hardened and sad and worried.
Compromised majorly.

I am sick of being sad.
I am sick of having bad news all of the time.
I feel like Pig Pen from Peanuts, followed by a dark mass of filth, everywhere I go.
I have been having regular panic attacks.
Actual panic attacks lately.
I think the post traumatic stress has caught up and has been amplifyed by the recent deaths, and diagnosis' around me.
Not to mention uneccesary struggles and stresses in my job.
It's weighing.

It's making it hard to live, like actually LIVE!
I don't remember the last time I had a moment of clarity.
Smelled nature.
Noticed the details.
That's a sad thing.
But when your in the quick sand, it's hard to get out.

My last panic attack felt like I couldn't breath, and like my skin was crawling.
It took me back to my chemo days, and the same feeling then.
I had to get Kerry to stop the truck and let me out, but what do you do then?
You don't puke for relief,
You don't scream...it won't help,
scratch? no.
Hide? doesn't work.
Really it's an awful feeling.
It's especially awful when you are healthy, and should be happy and functioning normal.
But I guess it's a body's way of dealing with the build up of stresses in one's life.
My load is so heavy I can hardly hold it anymore.

The other day I wrote: My plate is too full. Please do not try to put anything else on it. It will break.

And my friend (quite cleverly) wrote back: You need one of those kids plates, with the seperators for the different things...it won't lessen the amount of food, but it will make it more managable.

I liked that.

I guess that is my focus for 2012.
Praying for financial security (Kerry to land a solid, well paying job once-and-for-all) so that I can take care of me.
Not work too much,
So I can take care of me.
More time with myself, my kids, my family in Calgary.

Organize my plate.
Organize my many plates.
So I can see clearly again....
I need to clean up this mess and clear the fog.
Get back to what matters.
I am grateful I know what that is at least.