Dream Creator

Dream Creator
My photo
Just a small town Canadian dreamer... This started as the diary of a young woman's experience with breast cancer and continues 5 years later as the diary of a woman, like many other, who has decided to take her lemons and make lemonade. **If reading this blog for the purpose of learning about my breast cancer experience, PLEASE START AT THE OLDEST POST (October 2009) AND WORK YOUR WAY FORWARD**

Friday, September 30, 2011


15 days ago (really? already? wow.) I had my hysterectomy.
This week I worked just over 40 hrs and I feel fine!

Last week when I went in for surgery, I was pretty ok.
Having already gone thru a 12 hr surgery in the past, I was a little more tolerant of the idea of a 2 hr surgery. I was a little less afraid.

But I still had some little butterflies. Baby butterflies.
Butterflies nonetheless.
I always find the worst part of any surgery is the starvation process they put you thru.
I remember when I was a kid, being invited to other kids' church fasting events.
The thought of it was terrifying! And this was no different.
One strange thing that happened was an inncident that resembled post traumatic stress disorder.
I was all prepped to go in...not feeling very scared, and the nurse poked me a few unsuccesful times in the hand unable to place the IV....then she poked me in the hip with an anti-coagulant and I lost it.
It didn't really hurt or anything, and I have had thousands of needles...
but something in these 3 consecutive pokes triggered something in me.
I just lost it.
I realized in that moment, I have post traumatic stress from my year of cancer.
I am sick of being poked and prodded...I flipped out.
From that moment until I went under, I just sobbed like a baby.
The nurses probably thought I was scared, but that wasn't it.
It was mostly a pity party, and a release from all the built up emotion from last year.
The surgery seemed short but when I woke up, I puked (as usual) from the anesthetic.
I slept most of my surgery off for the next 20 hrs...and I was very happy when I was able to eat again (the next day).
My surgeon came to thge hospital room to see me and told me that he had found something unusual in my bladder while he was looking around.
It was a fleshy piece of tissue that he removed to have tested (just to be safe, because of my history) He gave me the old "It's probably nothing, but because of your history, we should just test it to be sure."
I had heard that EXACT line before! And I KNOW many other young cancer survivors have heard the same line.
I spun into a whirlwind of new fear.
When I got home from surgery I did what no person should ever do...."google the symptoms" NEVER GOOGLE THE SYMPTOMS!
Well, I did, I googled "bladder cancer" and I found some very alarming things.
The 3 main things that cause bladder cancer are:
1. smoking (I did for many years)
2. working with hair dye (whoops)
3. chemotherapy (the kind I had)

So, to make the long story short, I thought I was going to die again. I thought I had bladder cancer, and the very thought of me having to go thru treatment again was mind boggling!
However, a week after my surgery, my doc called me and told me that my pathology results were clear and I was not going to die of bladder cancer OR ovarian cancer.
Now, 7 days after that...I sit here, feeling physically grand and back to normal!
I think though, that maybe I am starting menopause.
I have been waking up in the night, sweaty and hot, which is unusual for me normally.
I assume this may be hot flashes??
Not too big an issue yet.
So, all in all the hysterectomy was successful. It was quite simple and I only ended up with a few tiny holes in my belly and a few days of grogginess.
I took 6days off where I didn't do much but watch movies and sleep, and then I was back to work for 4 hrs a day for about 3 days and then I dove right back in to 6-9hrs shifts.
I feel great!
But I am still taking days off, to relax and give my body what it needs.
til next time!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

losing loves.

What is the old saying again?
"Is is better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all?"
Something like that.

Well, it is happening.
I knew when I joined the cancer club and decided to open up and meet friends, that I would be signing up for some heart ache in the future.
Some of my friends are losing their battles, and it hurts.

We lost a friend from the recent YACC retreat just a week or so ago.
She was a beautiful, smiley soul...such a sad loss.

I have 2 other friends who are stage 4, who are losing their battles as we speak.
Struggling to keep living as cancer tries to smother out their fire.
It pains me.

I know there will be more.
It's what you sign up for.
But any pain I have, by losing these friends, by seeing cancer win....
is by far outweighed by all of the joy they have brought me by knowing them.
I will make the trade any day.

Dear Friends,
I love you, I am proud of you and your fight.
You have done nothing wrong, so hold your head up high.
And honor your life and the beautiful spirit you will gift to heaven and the memories you leave behind.


Another surgery.

It's just 10 days until I have my hysterectomy.
"How do I feel about this ?" you ask?
Well, until yesterday, I actually felt fine about it.
Maybe I didn't feel fine.
Maybe I have been keeping myself so busy that I haven't had time to "feel"
I tend to do that a lot in my life.
Well, yesterday, on my way into town, driving along the lake, I had a moment.
I feel really really sad about it.
I don't want to loose more of myself.
I don't want to loose what makes me a woman.
I have already lost my original breasts, and now my hormones and my organs.
It's too much.
When I flip the coin, I am grateful there is an option for me, I am glad I can prevent a (very likely) life threatening disease.
I am blessed to have that chance.
However, as I lay in bed last night, hiding tears from my husband, I can't help but feel like my body has let me down.
I feel sorrow, lost, that yet another peice of me is going to be ripped away...
what will be left?
Only time will tell.