The ultimate question that has been burning in my mind all year long.
"What am I going to do with my life?"
While I try to incorporate a little "live like there is no tomorrow" into my everyday life, one cannot obviously base everything on that. If I did, I wouldn't work at all, or do the dishes... I would only eat Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cup blizzards and I would drink copius amounts of Coca Cola...or maybe margaritas...yah, margaritas for sure.
That is not reality.
Before I was diagnosed I wasn't happy with my life. For some of you who know me, this is a vicious circle I have been running around in for a while now. At first it was, I was a stylist and I wasn't happy in the salon, so I built my own salon in my house...then it was that I was sick of the intrusion in my home, so I bought a salon in a commercial space...then I realized I didn't like living in the city, so we moved to Nelson, then I thought I was sick of being self employed and wanted to be under a corporate wing, so I got a corporate job. Then when I was in my corporate job, I was miserable. Then I was diagnosed with cancer.
I know, I know, I sound like a hopeless cause, but I am not.
I know myself VERY well...I know my weaknesses, I know my flaws and I know my strengths.
I know what I like and I know what I don't.
I also know that I will not waste my life being anything but happy with what I am doing.
Even before the cancer I knew that life was too short to do something that you didn't love.
Especially when that "something" is a job that takes up 75% of your life!
I have spent the last year really digging deep within myself. I have privately explored many ideas. I haven't spoken much about these thoughts with others as I knew that until I was sure, I wouldn't really be sure. I knew I could change my mind at any point...
The security of my corporate job is a beautiful thing...benefits (thank the lord for them this year!) the consistent raises, nice!...but then there is the wretched hours, no weekends with my family...some evenings, limited time off, all of the rules...the extreme pressures put on me from the handful of bosses I have..not healthy.
The freedom of my trade (being self employed again) is tempting...being really good at something is priceless...making people happy is rewarding...more time with my kids and husband is great....but then there is the fact that when I am not at work I don't get paid, no vacation pay:(...and what if I get sick again, who is going to take care of me then??
I have juggled the idea of going back to school, of buying another business (YIKES!) and I have even thought about waiting tables like the old days...
In the end, I have to take a step back at the gigantic epiphany I had this year.
I need to acknowledge what feels good to me, what makes me smile. What I can pay the bills with, while still having a life and time with my family, and time to volunteer and give back to the world.
This, in the end, will be the right choice for me.
The answer is near...I can taste it!