Dream Creator

Dream Creator
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Just a small town Canadian dreamer... This started as the diary of a young woman's experience with breast cancer and continues 5 years later as the diary of a woman, like many other, who has decided to take her lemons and make lemonade. **If reading this blog for the purpose of learning about my breast cancer experience, PLEASE START AT THE OLDEST POST (October 2009) AND WORK YOUR WAY FORWARD**

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Healing and Grieving

It has been far too long since I have blogged, and normally I wouldn't feel guilty because if I am not blogging I am living, however i have had many emotions, breakthroughs and events happen that play a significant role in my "cancer life" and healing, and I haven't made the time to document it. Because there is so much, I will not cram it all into one post. I will just do a series of posts covering one thing at a time.
Here it goes!!!
I just re-read my last blog and indeed it was true...all in all I feel like the "grieving" from my diagnosis and all of the trauma from last year has really just begun recently. It's funny too because I promised myself I would only work part time going in back into the working world...but i soon found myself working 5 to sometimes 6 days a week, and when I stopped to analyze it I knew immediately why.
I run from bad feelings, or let me word that better "feelings that make me feel bad".
I work to keep my mind off of the fact that I am different and have been through what I have....so I don't have to have a one on one with the fear.
But let me go back, I said it is "funny, I have been a work-a-holic to avoid the pain" because it has still worked it's way into my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an emotional mess, it comes in waves....the grieving shows itself here and there.
It is disguised as anger and sorrow and guilt and sometimes insecurity.
I have definitely had a shorter temper lately. I have been very impatient and had to really control these feelings so not to lash out and my kids, friends, family and coworkers...I always worry if I am already moody, how will I be when I have my hysterectomy and go into menopause??
Another example is when I went in for my Herceptin treatment the other day. I had been having bouts of heart palpitations and dizziness and almost fainted one day so I thought I'd mention it to my doc. Well, obviously he refused to treat me until I went downstairs and did a number of tests to rule out anything major that may be wrong. For some reason I was so annoyed with that. I think I am just getting sick of having to get treatments. It takes a lot of my time arranging appointments and taking time off work sucks and it just hilights the fact that I am different and that I was sick and it makes me feel weak and in sufficiant in comparison to a regular person. I NEVER wanted my illness to change my day to day life once I was declared cancer free. And it is, it still affects it and it pisses me off. So anyway, I was in a huff when I went down for tests and then lost it when I had to remove my shirt and bra in front of a nurse who had no idea I had breast cancer surgery.
I was ashamed when I took my shirt off in front of her. I was embarassed and humiliated and I felt like I had to explain that I looked different (because I haven't had my tatooing yet especially)
I layed on the table sobbing, sobbing with so much pain...with wires coming out from my body and suction cups stuck to me like Frakenstien and that's how I felt. Like an alien, like a medical experiment.
My grieving snuck up on me and poured out of me and there was nothing Icould do about it...
I just wanted to feel normal. I guess I am resentful because I feel like there was a deal made. "Yes cancer I understand you are invading my body...I am willing to deal with you and have you consume my life for a year but once I do everything the doctors tell me to do, then you need to leave and I want my life back...deal? DEAL!"
I swear that's the conversation I had, I swear it...
So that's where I sit.
I wonder if maybe I should seek cousiling again to get it all out so I can move on, but I am starting to think it doesn't work like that. I can't just scrub it all off, cancer changed me and as long as it took to grow inside of me , I will take just as much time or more to heal from it emotionally. And it will come out when it wants to, I can't force it out, I just have to acknowledge it when it shows itself, acknowledge it and and embrace it and release it.
Easier said than done because usually when it interrupts my life I get angry and resentful.
But I know that is just adding more bad feeling to the pile.
I need to start dealing with my feelings properly.
I vow to try harder.
I really want to be back to normal again...if that is possible.
I am going to try.