Dream Creator

Dream Creator
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Just a small town Canadian dreamer... This started as the diary of a young woman's experience with breast cancer and continues 5 years later as the diary of a woman, like many other, who has decided to take her lemons and make lemonade. **If reading this blog for the purpose of learning about my breast cancer experience, PLEASE START AT THE OLDEST POST (October 2009) AND WORK YOUR WAY FORWARD**

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


What are the 5 steps of greiving? And when does Anger come into play?
Well it's here.
I am angry.
A lot, at many of things.
I don't like the negativity brewing up inside of me but I cannot help it.
it needs to come out so that it doesn't breed disease by staying inside.
Where has it come from?
Who knows, many possibilities.
But it is here, in full effect and needs to be released.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Headed into the SUN.

Life has been extremely busy lately.
I have excused my therapists words from last year and decided to once again become a workaholic.
This worries me because i don't want it to make me sick again, however, I like the work.
It is temporary and if I refuse the job I could kiss my future at Selkirk college goodbye.
It is far too good a job to ignore because of some hypochondria.
And I like it.
I really like it.
And it's temporary for now...
So call my last few words justification, or what you want but I am trying to be normal...and I need to trust my body that is is and will continue to be free of disease.
I am trying to plan a future.

I am working my ass off so I can make my way to the sun next week and revel in some relaxation.
I am off to Cozumel with my husband.
Kid Free.
We are going to celebrate my remission and soak up some vitamin D...maybe consume too much pina coladas, ceviche and guacamole.
Hey! Coconut milk, fish and avocado are all good for you!!!
Can't wait to escape the winter FUNK and recharge...
Who knows! Maybe I will come back with some real estate magazines or the keys to a new place!
hee hee...
just kidding,
for now.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

A NEW Year.

We brought in the new year with good friends this year.
The entire event felt a lot more welcomed for me than last year.
Last year...how could I celebrate? I knew I was heading into a year full of cancer and treatments...the unknown.
This year marks a NEW BEGINNING for myself personally.
I wish I could say the same for my mom.
She just had her bilateral mastectomy last week and the day she went in for her surgery I was working up at the college.
I thought I would be fine but minutes before she went under, I had an emotional release and overwhelming sadness came over me...I excused myself to go to the washroom and had a little cry for her....and me too maybe.
It brought up a lot of emotions for me and old feelings from my surgery that I have honored yes, but then buried in order to get back to real life.
I am so aware that ignoring and burying up feeling isn't healthy but the bottom line is that when something as major as cancer happens to you, it would take up to a few years to properly deal with it before you could be back to normal (if that is even possible) so sometimes you have to bury a little bit in order to move forward and function as a normal human.
I have had sympathy pains for my mom. The day of her surgery I had many sharp pains in my chest which isn't normal for me...I know that they were sympathy pains.

So far the New Year has been good to me. I have a full time position at Selkirk college as of now, as an assistant instructor in the cosmetology department. I love it, I love teaching, I love the students and my co-workers. I get paid well and the hours are great.
Kerry and I are planning a one week trip to Cozumel at the end of the month which I am so excited about. I am dying for a vacation, all inclusive style and some hard core vitamin D!! Much needed us time. I can't wait to spend 7 days alone with my best friend.
With all that said, the New Year isn't perfect. My mom is about to go through cancer treatment AGAIN and a close friend was diagnosed with testicular cancer in mid December so I am helping him with that. It seems that no matter what I do, my life has been surrounded by cancer for the last 5 years.
This is something I would expect if I was an old lady and all of my friends were getting sick around me and so on. But I am 31 years old, and the people around me are all too young to be getting sick.
Is this has the world has always been and I was just lucky to avoid it up until now?
Or is the world getting plagued by cancer?
Or is it just me and my life....is there some significance maybe?
Am I meant to be helping...does God just know that I am strong enough to deal with it all and so he is surrounding ME?
Who knows.
I just have to keep looking at the bright side of it all....
being grateful for what I do have and the GOOD moments.
We need to acknowledge the GOOD moments and the daily blessings we are presented with, no matter how small...because there are people who are REALLY suffering out there.

I look forward to everyday of this New Year, no matter what happens.
I am healthier than ever, I am slim again, I am smoke-FREE and I am still madly in love. I've crossed off about 5 past New Years resolutions in one year (last year). If that was the point of my cancer, I'll take it.
I pray for health for my loved ones and I pray for success in their fight. And if they come out of their fight with the clarity that I have then it will all be worth it.
Happy New Year!