Today I had an appointment with my new "family" doctor.
I decided to switch as I wasn't very happy with my original one.
He wasn't horrible, I just didn't trust his judgment or commitment to his clients.
Anyway, at my last chemo appointment at the hospital, my oncologist was asking questions...I can't remember how but somehow it came up that I was somewhat traumatized by the early months of my cancer experience. And this "trauma" was caused by all the mistakes and shit my doctor and first general surgeon caused.
My oncologist (who is amazing) asked why I hadn't changed family doctors yet.
I explained, I had one picked out (my daughter had seen him) but thought I should wait to make the change until after the cancer stuff was over with.
He disagreed. He got on the phone right then and called up my new doctor and low and behold, my new doctor came to the hospital the next morning to see me (as I had stayed overnight).
The whole experience was amazing.
So anyway, I met him today to give him my STACK of medical records and go over with him my "story"
Every time I tell my story, I get upset.
The dark clod comes over and the pit of my stomach burns and heats up.
The heat moves up to my eyes and the tears pour out.
It's because hearing myself repeat what happened reminds me I have cancer and it's all real.
I know you probably don't understand, and think that with a bald head and chemo every 3 weeks, how could I forget I have cancer. But you kind of just do. I think it's a coping mechanism your brain come up with, I mean, you know you have cancer, but you kind of go into denial and live like normal. You forget the fear and the risks involved and the pain.
This gets stirred up when I tell my story.
The anger also comes in when I tell my story.
I am so angry at the system.
I am angry at my surgeon for all the mistakes he made and for his carelessness that caused me stress and anxiety.
I am angry at my old family doctor for not listening to me early on about wanting a mammogram. I am angry that I still have never had a mammogram. I am angry that no one found my second lump and I found it by MISTAKE! I am angry that my surgeon YELLED at me on the phone when I requested a bilateral mastectomy, only to later call me up and tell me it's a good idea. I am angry that EVERYONE told me I didn't have cancer and it was only a cyst. I am angry that my surgeon AFTER my lumpectomy, woke me up to tell me it was almost for sure a fiberodenoma and I was going to be ok, then having me show up a week later, unprepared at his office, with my daughter only to tell me it was cancer. "I am really shocked" he said....
I am angry that both my family doctor and my surgeon told me after Xmas, that there were 5 sentinnel lymph nodes removed and they were ALL clear, only to find out last month from my NEW surgeon (who CAN read a pathology report) that there was in fact only 1 lymph node removed and the other 4 things were fat lumps.
I am angry that, apparently it is nearly impossible to confuse a fat lump with a lymph node.
This is most of what I am angry about.
So when people ask "how are you coping?" the funny thing is, most of the trauma and pain doesn't come from being told I had cancer, but instead the "screw-ups" these so called health care "professionals" made in the early stages of my treatment.
I mean, you are supposed to trust these people with your life!! I had just been told I had cancer and not to worry, the professionals would take care of me, and this is what I was shown in my first 2 months.
Wicked, thanks for the trust.
Whew! I guess I needed to vent.
Needless to say, all the feelings came to surface again today as I told my story to my new doc. He was very supportive and understanding and promised to help take care of me.
I believe him.
One week til my next chemo.
I decided to switch as I wasn't very happy with my original one.
He wasn't horrible, I just didn't trust his judgment or commitment to his clients.
Anyway, at my last chemo appointment at the hospital, my oncologist was asking questions...I can't remember how but somehow it came up that I was somewhat traumatized by the early months of my cancer experience. And this "trauma" was caused by all the mistakes and shit my doctor and first general surgeon caused.
My oncologist (who is amazing) asked why I hadn't changed family doctors yet.
I explained, I had one picked out (my daughter had seen him) but thought I should wait to make the change until after the cancer stuff was over with.
He disagreed. He got on the phone right then and called up my new doctor and low and behold, my new doctor came to the hospital the next morning to see me (as I had stayed overnight).
The whole experience was amazing.
So anyway, I met him today to give him my STACK of medical records and go over with him my "story"
Every time I tell my story, I get upset.
The dark clod comes over and the pit of my stomach burns and heats up.
The heat moves up to my eyes and the tears pour out.
It's because hearing myself repeat what happened reminds me I have cancer and it's all real.
I know you probably don't understand, and think that with a bald head and chemo every 3 weeks, how could I forget I have cancer. But you kind of just do. I think it's a coping mechanism your brain come up with, I mean, you know you have cancer, but you kind of go into denial and live like normal. You forget the fear and the risks involved and the pain.
This gets stirred up when I tell my story.
The anger also comes in when I tell my story.
I am so angry at the system.
I am angry at my surgeon for all the mistakes he made and for his carelessness that caused me stress and anxiety.
I am angry at my old family doctor for not listening to me early on about wanting a mammogram. I am angry that I still have never had a mammogram. I am angry that no one found my second lump and I found it by MISTAKE! I am angry that my surgeon YELLED at me on the phone when I requested a bilateral mastectomy, only to later call me up and tell me it's a good idea. I am angry that EVERYONE told me I didn't have cancer and it was only a cyst. I am angry that my surgeon AFTER my lumpectomy, woke me up to tell me it was almost for sure a fiberodenoma and I was going to be ok, then having me show up a week later, unprepared at his office, with my daughter only to tell me it was cancer. "I am really shocked" he said....
I am angry that both my family doctor and my surgeon told me after Xmas, that there were 5 sentinnel lymph nodes removed and they were ALL clear, only to find out last month from my NEW surgeon (who CAN read a pathology report) that there was in fact only 1 lymph node removed and the other 4 things were fat lumps.
I am angry that, apparently it is nearly impossible to confuse a fat lump with a lymph node.
This is most of what I am angry about.
So when people ask "how are you coping?" the funny thing is, most of the trauma and pain doesn't come from being told I had cancer, but instead the "screw-ups" these so called health care "professionals" made in the early stages of my treatment.
I mean, you are supposed to trust these people with your life!! I had just been told I had cancer and not to worry, the professionals would take care of me, and this is what I was shown in my first 2 months.
Wicked, thanks for the trust.
Whew! I guess I needed to vent.
Needless to say, all the feelings came to surface again today as I told my story to my new doc. He was very supportive and understanding and promised to help take care of me.
I believe him.
One week til my next chemo.
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