Triple Negative Basal Carcinoma

Finding out you have cancer is unexplainable. For me it has been a roller coaster. I think it is different for everyone. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. At the beginning, it was almost a high. Even when I was sad or scared, I had an adrenaline rush going, a constant buzz...Some days I was excited about the challenge, and other days I was able to look at it as a chance to get my life on track and finally see what is important in life. In general I kind of looked at it as an advantage on others. No, I didn't want to have cancer, but I was able to see the "bright side" at the beginning...But as the bad news kept rolling in "it's still in there"..."it's a rare, aggressive form of cancer"..."we didn't get it all"..."mastectomy"...etc it starts to take it's toll.
I guess you can say "the honeymoon is over" so to speak. This is scarring and no matter what good comes out of it, I will always have a scar, emotional damage. For the rest of my life I will question whether every spot I see is skin cancer or every twinge is stomach cancer. I will fear death more now because though a 30 year old should not even be thinking of death....I have been shown that page of the script. And it is real and it is a dark, dark, place and it scares the shit out of me. I am changed.
The last week was torment. I was basically given a week to decide what I wanted to do about a mastectomy or surgery or what have you. Ps.I don't like making decisions that affect me living or dying...I can't even decide on what restaurant to eat at!! So I got really depressed. Thoughts of walking around with no breasts, thoughts of making the wrong choice and the cancer spreading to my organs...it was an all time low. A sick, dark place where the only way I can describe it is like the mental anguish is so intense and the anxiety and panic so real that I could feel it in my bones. An achy, restless feeling, like how I would picture someone in heroin withdrawl to feel. I would lay in my bed to try to sleep it off and I couldn't stop tossing and turning. The thoughts seeping in. It was utter HELL. I wanted to die.
Yesterday was the worst...it was the day I was to tell my surgeon my decision. And though I had made my decision and was at peace with it. I was scared it would cause a fight. I decided I wanted both breasts removed, regardless of genetic testing results. My cancer is looking like it might be called "Triple negative basal carcinoma" They aren't 100% sure but it looks that way. Because this is a rare cancer and very aggressive with a tendency to metastasize. I just thought, why take the risk? So I waited all day for doc to call and I put myself into a panic...(later I realized the tea probably didn't help...see last post) I was nauseous and sad and all sorts of bad things.
Then he called. He didn't even let me talk. He told me he had been studying my case with a surgical oncologist (he gave me her name) and she recommends I have a double mastectomy regardless of my genetic results. GOOD!!!! She also wants me to start my chemotherapy first before any surgery. OK?? I questioned this. It seemed weird to "possibly" leave cancer in my body during chemo, isn't his harmful?? Doc said because of the long delay after surgery before I could heal and be ready for chemo, it made more sense to get chemo first, then I will have my genetic tests back and then when chemo is done I can get both breasts removed and reconstructed from my belly fat (bonus!) all in one surgery (bonus!!!) So that flew me to the moon! I went from my lowest low to my highest high within minutes!! But I still felt a bit nervous about the order of things until....my aunt (have I explained her before?? bio researcher, cancer researcher aunt) emailed me that the surgical oncologist he had look and assess my case is one of the best in the country!! SWEET!!! This was the best news I had heard in a long time. Finally an answer to what my road is going to be, plus it has been drawn out by one of the best in the country?? Thank you LORD.
What a roller coaster ride. It is now the day after the phone call, and I still feel great. I got up this morning, worked out, emailed, walked my dogs, made dinner...it's been really good. I think from now on I will avoid those dark corners...I am starting to feel again, like everything is going to be ok.
Til tomorrow....
peace love and pink ribbons.