Got some serious shit done today. Ya, that's right, me.
If you don't already know, I have a serious coping problem. Certain things stress me out. And when I get stressed, it's like "firestarter" the Stephen King movie, except instead of starting other things on fire, my stress causes damage in my body. No proof of this, I just know. In fact I often think that my cancer was created by my stress in the last year or so. Owning a restaurant and trying to sell my salon and dealing with my Mom's cancer and so on and so on...a little more than I could handle.
So, anyways, because I am the "firestarter" my husband took over many of my affairs since my diagnosis. He has been dealing with Blue Cross and booking my appointments and so on. But this morning I ripped Blue Cross a new asshole, and it felt great. They are the people paying my disability to me, through Safeway...they have been nothing but problems. I don't really want to get into it because it pisses me off, but they (my group of people, maybe not Blue Cross in general) have been SO UNORGANIZED, slow, and frustrating!! Every time we ask a question, we get a different answer...we get different people telling us different things every time we talk to them. And they make us send in papers every month to say I am going to be off work longer...like I can do all my treatments in a month...idiots.
So, I lost it on them today, gave them a piece of my mind. Probably didn't get anything out of it, but it felt good.
Then in the afternoon I picked up the phone and called the Cancer Society. We have been waiting for a month now for a phone call to give us a date for an oncologist appointment. Even on Monday my husband called and they said they'd probably call this week to book us in, but the appointment wouldn't be for a few weeks still. So I picked up the phone and called. I got an appointment for Monday, with no problems, in about 5 minutes. It was crazy!! 2 doctor referrals and an angry husband call and nothing....I call in and I have an appointment in 4 days!
I rule.
Maybe I should start dealing with my own shit more often!!
One bad thing happened today, just after I got my appointment made, I was leaning against the kitchen table with my boobs pressing on the wooden edge, and it hurt (or course) and when I noticed that it hurt I thought, hmmm, I should just check my other breast (the one that isn't infected). I reached into my shirt and right away felt something. I pulled my hand back and gasped. I almost puked. It couldn't be? I prayed to god, out loud, that when I checked again, nothing would be there. This time it was harder to find...deep in the tissue in the center of my breast. I feel a lump. 90% sure there is something there. It feels oval and softer and smaller than my other lump. Good lord I hope I am wrong. But I have a doc appointment tomorrow, followed by a trip to the hospital for blood work and hopefully an ultrasound. Why me? Just take my breasts off already, I don't want this stress anymore!! I am done with it. I wouldn't even care if I had to be breastless for the rest of my life, I don't want em'.
Again, I hope I am wrong, I will keep you posted. I am guessing this will just slow things down again. If they see something on my ultrasound, it may lead to a needle biopsy and so on...but at least my oncologist appointment is on Monday. Maybe I can just get a mastectomy scheduled ASAP instead. We'll see.
Dreamer.
My new fav song....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qlbdz-ytMDA
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