The holidays were genuinely filled with smiles and laughs for me. They were the perfect mask to my "dark cloud". It actually may have been the best Christmas yet...I got everything on my list (guess pity goes a long way ;), and not having to work over Xmas was the ultimate treat!! But shortly before New Years Eve (in Alberta, while staying at my sister's again) "the dark cloud" started to move in again, into the pit of my stomach. Reality was back and it was staring me in the face. I celebrated New Years with a few old Alberta friends but it all felt weird. I wanted to get drunk and I couldn't, I wanted to be "party me" (what I am most famous and adored for) but I couldn't. I wanted to be excited for the new year....but how could I? At least not the start of the year...it would be filled with Chemo and surgeries and radiation and tears and fights and pushing and pulling...God, hopefully New Years 2011 would be a year to celebrate!!
So now I sit here in front of my computer. Jan 3rd. In 2 days I drive one hour with my husband to see my surgeon (I hope he had a nice vacation. not.) and I will get answers and some forsight into my year ahead. I will find out if I need another surgery...(if so, I may take a double mastectomy instead) if I have the gene (if so....ditto) A double mastectomy is sounding pretty sweet to me right now. I hate all this shit so much, it seems like the way to just end it all, and maybe then I won't need chemo??? (no idea if this has validity) It would take my chances of recurrance down to 5%... sounds good to me!
Also, I have been staying up reading "young women's" cancer blogs and chemo is really starting to freak me out!! It seems like they really "give it to ya" when you are young as your cancer is more aggressive. Everyone writes about how awful it was and sick they were and sore and long term side effects and weight gain!! Oh God the weight gain!! That's the final straw! I mean, take my hair, my eyelashes and brows, take my breast and my rosy cheeks (and I have evn heard fingernails!!) but add an extra 20 pounds too!! F*#k you!! That just isn't fair. I honestly am wavering at this point as to whether I can go through it or not...I don't want to gamble with my life (or my kids future) but it seems so rough and if I don't need it?? I mean if they really feel like they've got it all...I don't know, I will wait and see. Also Radiation is crazy!! I thought it'd be a peice of cake, but I found out that after this round. I will have used up all the radiation I am allowed for a lifetime. If I ever get cancer again and need radiation....I can't have it. That's kinda crazy since I am only 30, my chances are a bit higher of getting another cancer.
All of this is the shits. I feel sad and scared and alone. I feel angry and anxious with a little panic. I just wish I could close my eyes and wake up after it is all over. :(
I am going to cut and paste my Facebook post today as I want you to read the bottom of it. A quote from a young girl's cancer blog I have been reading. She started the blog in 2006 and it seems her last entry was 2008, I don't know where she went, or why she doesn't write anymore...but she speaks my thoughts and I am so similar to her....I love her words...
peace.love.and pink ribbons.
Well, Christmas is over...it was a gooder, I must admit! Thanks to the help of my beautiful family members and my co-workers and facebook notes, I was submersed in the spirit of it all and didn't reflect much on my illness. Tuesday marks a big day for me. I will meet with my surgeon in Trail with my husband and find out the results of my last surgery. This is a big deal because I find out if my cancer has spread, if I have any left in mt breast and what's next. Not to mention, at the final hour of my last surgery they found ANOTHER lump and I get to find out what that was all about and if it too was cancer and if so, was it new or old?? I am ready for some answers, I am ready to get on with it. I was up til all hours reading cancer blogs from young women my age, it was awesome and full of info and great to know I wasn't alone in my feelings. I did however get a deep look into what lies ahead for me with chemo and radiation. It isn't pretty. When you are young and have aggressive cancer like I do, they attack you full force and basically wage a war on my body. There will most likely be side effects and illness, and just to top it off, I heard that most women gain an average of 15llbs during chemo from steroids and crap. Perfect. Can't wait to lose my hair, possibly more or both breasts, the color in my skin, AND add 15 ponds on that...may as well take away all my dignity. Sorry, I shouldn't be negative, it's just hard sometimes...but it is a small price I suppose, in exchange for life. Below is an excerpt that touched me, from a blog I read...the writer is 29 with breast cancer, This excerpt is about her first visit to a support group. I feel everything she writes....I will post again soon when I get my results. Ciao!
EXCERPT FROM "Biography of Breast Cancer"
I was sitting there with this group of brave, strong, beautiful young women who had such balls to be going through all this. And again, I was inspired by their talents, their insight, their perspective. And I was pissed at the same time. Pissed that this disease - at any time - has made these women feel scared and alone. Pissed that it made them feel like something had been taken from them. Pissed that at any point they felt less than themselves. Pissed that they had to "recover" from anything. We shouldn't have to be worrying about this. We should be meeting boys and getting drunk and getting married. We should be having fun and having babies and having heart palpitations over our first house payment.
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