Chemo-cala-fraga-listic-expi-ala-docious!

Put it on my list of least favorite things. Yuck! I thought I was all mentally prepared to go in there and get 'er' done (first treatment yesterday) but when we got there I freaked. I absolutely freaked out! I think it is due to so many horror stories people told me and how many people told me not to get it. And then the fact that the nurses have to tell you every little scary thing that could happen (2 days before your treatment). I already have an imagination the size of a black hole. I don't need facts. they should fill you up and then send you home with all the facts on reading material. Ignorance is bliss.
Anyways, I walked in the room and it was busy. Bald heads in every corner. "Why am I here? Am I really one of these people? These sick people I see in the movies? I am only 31, why am I here??" The nurse smiled and asked for my papers, I handed them to her, shaking....she asked how I was doing, I shook my head (no) and started bawling, instantly. "Not good, I'm freaking out." I whispered in tears. They put me in a chair and closed the curtain for privacy. My oncologist came over to try to reason with me, and I just cried. Finally he said "Do you want an adivan?" I said "yes". I wouldn't have even known what an adivan is but the day before the MRI nurse told me many people take adivan sedatives to calm their nerves.
The adivan worked. I felt good overall. I met some locals in for their chemo. One business owner (she's so cute and funny) and I saw a little boy come in too (6yrs old). You look around and just think, "Why is this going on?" It just doesn't seem fair. But I bonded, it felt nice. I especially like the business owner. She seemed strong and firm-headed. I looked up to her, I still do I guess. After my IV of chemo, I felt ok. A little wobbly, but I assumed that was from the anti nausea pills.
I went home and layed down. I had a nap. When I woke up I felt like crap. From 6:00-11:00 I juggled violent throwing up, restless leg syndrome, and feeling like I was going to throw up. After I would throw up, however, I felt good, for like 30-45 min. And then the restless legs and queasiness and then throwing up again. the whole time I felt like I was sick from the anti nausea pills. I just felt cloudy and light headed. Today I don't think that is true. I think the new chemo drugs in my system for the first time ever made me feel drugged and sick. Because today I have taken 2 anti nausea and I feel pretty good right now. At least I feel clear headed. I have my genetic counselling meeting today at 1:30 and my oncologist is really pushing me to get a "dome" implanted in my chest. It is a way to administer medication (chemo and such) without ruining your veins. I don't want a dome, I don't even want to talk about it right now or I may be sick. But apparently the results came back from my "Triple Negative Basal Carcinoma" test. This is a rare and unique type of cancer where the 3 hormones are negative...Apparently I am Estrogen- Progesterone- and I am on the fence with the HER2. I guess literally I have the HER2 score that is on the fence. (22 positive, 20 negative...I am 21) something like that. It is sort of good news because they think they can give me a target treatment as well for my cancer to make it go away and never return....but it is a year of shots every 3 weeks....I don't know if I am going to take it or not. I am getting a mastectomy after all. And that already lowers my chances so much. I just want this to be over with when it's over with. I want to go to Mexico for a vacation after this. I don't want to live the "cancer lifestyle" for another year. Anyways, that's my story.

Update: 6:00 pm....
I had my genetic counselling meeting today. It was overall boring but I did find out that even if I have the gene, I won't be able to test my kids until they are at least 16-20 years old. They say it's not psychologically correct for me to test her, because she may grow up and not want to know if she has a 60-85% chance of breast cancer. Plus things might change by then, medically. God I hope so!!
When I got home, I felt like crap. I had a nap, and my husband made delicious home-made pizza and IT HIT THE SPOT!!! I feel good now, almost normal. Just gonna kick my feet up for the night and relax.....
Megan