WHAZZZ UPPP????

Ooooh, summer is almost here!!
The Kootenays are the place to be!
The lake is clear, the sand is soft and warm,
there are flowers growing,
and everywhere there are people lying on beaches and on patios drinking cold beer and fruity drinks!!
I love it!
This past weekend (May long) we ventured 45 minutes North along the lake to Mirror Lake Campground. It was our first time camping there and it was awesome!!
It was also the first time we used our new trailer, which was a success!
The camping began 2 days after my last chemo, so I was almost dreading it, not knowing how I would be feeling.
I spent a lot of time and energy making sure I was hydrated and filled with stool softeners, as constipation has been the ticket to a bad time for me in the past.
All went well.
The kids played all day, every day and we just took in the scenery and fresh air.
There was a lot of people out there that we knew, so it was fantastic for laughs and conversation all weekend. I met a lot of people that will be back next year camping on the same weekend and I look forward to seeing them again.
I had a real sense of small town living on this trip and I just beamed, as I felt even more like we made the right desicion to move away from the city.
Life is just better for us here.
Everyone knows everyone and as much as I thought I was a very private person...I really love the closeness of it all.
My kids knew 3/4 of the kids at the campground and everyone just looks out for everyone and their kids.
There is a big fund raiser for a CT Scanner in town here and it has been all the talk lately.
I think I like the simplicity of there always being a big event in the works and everyone is on board and knows about it, so it brings everyone together and isn't crowded out by the hustle bustle of a million other stressful things going on in a city.
Nope.
On Friday there is a fundraiser gala and everyone in some way or another is contributing or attending....it has had everyone's attention for over a month now and it's awesome.

Other than the camping, my last chemo went fairly well. As good a chemo can go!
I felt like shit in the hospital and a day after and then was back to my normal "post-chemo" self.
I don't know if it has hit me yet that I am done chemo, as I thought I would feel more excited...I think it is the surgery lingering over my head that is dampering the situation for now....
I also am starting to feel REALLY ugly. I really need to lose some weight, which is hard with a surgery coming that will just have me sitting on my ass all summer. I think I need to at least diet. Afterall, no more chemo...no more excuses for comfort food.....
just margaritas instead!

It's 11:30pm,
I have felt it coming for a while now,
I knew it was going to come.
The tears, the fear and sadness.
I lay here watching TV, everyone in bed.
Alone
I looked down at my chest
I felt a connection to my body I didn't think I had.
I love my body and I don't want to lose my breasts.
It isn't fair.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
I am scared and sad and I don't want someone to cut off my breasts and mess up my body.
It isn't fair and I shouldn't have to go through this.
But I have no choice.
It's the price I have to pay to increase my chances of living a long life.
I tried not to acknowledge the love for my body.
I wouldn't look at my breasts for months since I was diagnosed, because I didn't want to acknowledge the attachment.
Because I didn't want the pain of losing them.
I thought if I ignored them, I wouldn't feel sad about losing them.
It caught up with me, and I knew it was coming.
I could feel it.
I will miss them,
I will miss my body.

Logo Contest

I entered a Logo Contest.

You had to design a logo for the Young Woman's Cancer Conference in Toronto.
The theme of the conference is Body Mind and Spirit.
I haven't heard back from them yet whether I won...
it doesn't really matter, I just entered for fun.
Thought I'd share.

CHEMO #6: Bye bye Chemo!

Finally over.
Feeling the usual pukey tastes in my mouth,
hopefully better for tomorrow and camping...

Pic of my hair...
again,
because I am excited....

Cut-A-Thon

Random acts of kindness...it's what makes the world go 'round'.
Yesterday, it was proven to me that there are special people out there, people that put others ahead of themselves and take pleasure in going out of their way to help those in need.
Though I only worked at Safeway for 10 months before I was diagnosed, I met some wonderful people who have just been helping and proving their friendships to me ever since. I am forever grateful for these people entering my life.
One of my work friends, Ashley, and her lovely mom Bonnie, decided a few weeks ago they wanted to put on a Cut-A-Thon for little old me.
Bonnie is a hair instructor at the college here in town and, with my background of doing hair and running a salon for 10 years, her and I have bonded.
I initially told them, not to worry about doing this for me, that it would be a lot of work and it wasn't necessary. However, they already had their minds set on it and yesterday they pulled it off!
I had a few appointments yesterday morning, but at 12:00 I made my way up to the school to see everyone. While I was driving, I was overwhelmed with the fact that this was even happening. I mean, I have always been that girl that hates opening presents in front of people, but this was over the top. Was there really a room full of people I don't even know working their butts off to raise money for me? The thought brought me to tears. How could I be so lucky? Do people really like me this much to donate their time for me?
I know, these questions I was asking, make it seem like I don't think much of myself, but that is not the case. The bottom line is that, I haven't lived in Nelson very long, and haven't had time to bond with many people here. I just wouldn't expect all this love from people I have hardly spent time with, outside of work. Plus! When I was working with them, I was managing them and was often a big bitch, bossing them around.
Regardless, of all of these questions and thoughts, there was a small group of people organizing this event, for me. There was also a large group of people, I don't know, cutting the hair and even more, coming in to get their haircut and donate money.
AMAZING.
As I parked, I started to get nervous, I didn't want to walk into the school and start bawling in front of everyone.
Well, that was something that I couldn't control. I spent the day laughing, chatting, poring out my feelings, crying, hugging, crying, laughing more and crying.
The girls from my work had put on a bake sale with pink cupcakes and Starbucks coffee (donated from Safeway). The mother's of some of the students (that I don't even know!) had made cupcakes with pink ribbons, and bake sale signs and so on...
In the classroom there were students dressed in pink and throughout the day local people, some I know and some I don't poured in and out of the school, to get their haircut and make donations.
Ashley had brought these hilarious pink Jerseys for us to wear, they had 2 softballs where our breasts would be and they read "Save Second Base!" They were from her dad's softball team (he had a female friend with breast cancer on the team).
The day was unspeakable. I felt loved and overwhelmed. I tried to thank everyone at the end of the day "I am honored that all of you, some I don't even know, would do this for me. It's amazing and I can't explain how much it means to me." I said while sobbing like a baby!
But it was true.
It is a moment, a day, I will never forget.
Thank you to everyone who was a part of it.
I promise to pay it forward one day, as I can't wait to make someone else feel how good I felt yesterday.
Grateful.

Cancer concerns and the LAST chemo.

Wednesday is my last chemo.
FOR REAL this time!!
I don't have as much anxiety as normal, thinking about....
I am just looking forward to getting it over with.
Though in a way I don't feel physically ready to get it done.
Normally my side effects from my last treatment are long gone before I get my next one.
This time, not so much...I don't know what's going on down below, but it feels like glass when I #2. It has felt like that for weeks now!! SUCKS!
I also still have a bit of heart burn and am fighting a cold and have my period.
I can't believe I am one of the few who still gets a FULL period during chemo.
WICKED! :(
So, I hope my new side effects don't just double up on the old lingering ones to make BIG NASTY side effects that I can't handle!
Though, I feel in my gut, I will be fine.

I have a few things this time I need to bring up with my oncologist.
It seems every month there is a new panic or cause for concern.
My friend calls it "Canceritis" (when you get a symptom and think your cancer has spread or has come back)
I had a 'bout' of " Canceritis" this month.
For the past month, when I sleep on my one side, a spot on my rib really hurts. It's always the same spot and unfortunately it is on the side where my tumor was. Also, when I lay in that same position and feel the site where my tumor was, I can feel a lump there! Now, I am just hoping that lump is scar tissue, but you never know, so I will take the paranoia to my oncologist and hope that once again, he puts my fears to rest.

Here is a Tshirt I bought online today....

The Good, The Bad and the EXPENSIVE!!!

May is a month of chaos.
It always has been, it always will be.
When you have cancer, it is no exception.
My beautiful, sweet boy (dog) Shabba, hurt himself a while back and his leg got progressively worse.
It turns out he snapped his crucious ligament. Basically this means he broke the main ligament in his leg.
He couldn't walk on it at all for over a week.
Yesterday he went in for surgery.
It is a big surgery with a big bill.
$2000.00 to fix my baby boy.
Yikes!
But how can you not pay it?
What are you gonna do? Put your dog to sleep because his leg is broken?
I would bloody well hope not.
The worst part of it all is the care his is going to need over the next few weeks....
He needs needles, pills, and to be leashed when he goes out to pee.
He isn't allowed to jump or climb stairs for 8-12 weeks!!
If any of you know, we live on a mountain side, and our yard and deck and even inside our house is stairs everywhere!!
So instead of just keeping him out on the deck to roam as he pleases, I have to keep him locked up and then time out his potty breaks and supervise the whole thing. I am supposed to also lift him down the stairs to get to the lawn....this is not going to happen as he weighs 85 llbs and once I get chemo'd I will be very weak.
This sucks!!
I just want him to get better.....the 2 of us!

The good you ask?
Well, my good friend from work and her mom have spontaneously organized a Cut-A-Thon on my behalf!! The mom (I'll call her B) is the instructor of the hair college here in town, and she decided that on Monday she is getting a bunch of her girls to cut hair all day to raise money for...MOI?
It's crazy!! I am flattered, and taken back by her generosity....especially because I don't even know any of the students dedicating their time for me.
This is an amazing gesture that makes me feel warm inside and I will remember always.
The ironic part, is that when I was going to pay my vet bill yesterday (the $2000.00 vet bill) I looked at the bulletin board and my name caught my eye....when I read the poster it was for the Cut-A-Thon...and read "raising money for a local woman, Megan Simpson"...I just smiled as I thought, "no shit, I need that money to pay my bloody vet bill!!"
Truly though, I have a lot of crazy expenses coming up. For my husband to stay in Kelowna while I have my surgery is over $700.00 and that is the discounted rate. Add in meals, gas, meds, my vet bill and it's an entire months income if not more!
I have a few ideas of where I want to donate the raised money, and if we need to, I will keep a little to help pay for the trip to Kelowna.
Hopefully, though, I can donate the lot.....I feel that is what I would like most, to do.
Thanks to everyone who is a part of this fund raiser....
Thank you
Thank you.

Chemo affects as treatment progresses.

Because I blogged so much about the side effects of chemo at the start of my treatment, I thought it is important to explain how things are closer to the end of treatment.
First off, I think you catch on fairly early how to handle the effects, which helps things. I learned that staying at the hospital prevents me from the BARFS! So I have been going with that....
I general, after my fifth treatment, I feel like the effects last longer but aren't as severe immediately after the treatment, like they were in the beginning.
In the beginning, I found I'd be flat on my ass for the first 5 days and then after that, I wouldn't have many signs that I had even had a chemo treatment.
Now, though, I feel not to shabby for those first few days (just tired) and then the side effects start....canker sores, constipation with hemmorhoids, heartburn.....all seem to start late and last way longer! In fact, I am still battling these effects two weeks later!!
I have some good news though, I am getting my hair back. It started a month ago, coming in like fluff and then when I went to my chemo appointment the nurse told me it would fall out after the treatment.
Luckily, it did not! It is coming in quite nicely and I must admit, it is very nice to feel soft hair on my head again. I have just been rubbing my hand back and forth on it over and over again....
I am curious as to how my body reacts after this next chemo. I have made plans to go camping 2 days after treatment, and so I hope for the best.....
I am very excited to be finished the chemo treatments.
This camping trip can be a celebration trip!!!

Vacation

Have you ever had a weekend that was just perfect??

Nothing happened that bothered you, nothing stressed you out...
It just unfolded naturally and harmoniously as if it were a dream?
I just had one of those weekends!
My friends from Calgary had all planned a trip to Fernie. They rented a HUGE log chalet up at the ski hill and planned to just have a getaway. They invited my husband and I months back, but with the cancer treatment, we can never predict how I will be feeling and so, we find it hard to commit to things.
We left the opportunity on the table and about 2 weeks before the trip was planned. I decided I needed a vacation. Unfortunately my husband had to stay in Nelson and work, but I decided to make the 3.5 hour drive and bring my daughter along for the fun.
It was Mother's Day weekend and I thought it would be nice to have one of the kids with me.
The weekend was filled with good conversation, laughter and AMAZING FOOD! The guys watched a lot of hockey and played pool.
The girls, sipped drinks on the couch, played with the kids and even had time for a few dunks in the hot tub!!
On Saturday, the girls all went to the spa while the men stayed home with the kids....because I am sick of filling out paperwork, checking the "I have cancer" box (which is for some reason on EVERY form) I decided to take my daughter horseback riding instead of going to the spa.
It was dreamy!! Though I got a little nervous once we arrived at the ranch, our horses ended up behaving VERY well....we rode like naturals and enjoyed the gorgeous surroundings! I think my daughter found a new passion!! I know I did.
After the ride, we went to town and have a mother/daughter lunch. Homemade soup and deli style sandwiches, just what the doctor ordered!
That evening we all had a gigantic fondue!
Oil fondue with a selection of beef, chicken, pork, scallops, shrimp and a variety of tempura vegetables to cook to your own liking....There was cheese fondue with fresh bread and pretzels....Then there was a delicious chocolate fondue for dessert, with marshmallows, cream puffs and a selection of fruits to dip.
This spread accompanied by bottles of wine, made for a fantastic evening.
We slept when we wanted to, played games when we wanted to and even had an impromptu jam session to enjoy, where three guitars played catchy song for over an hour.
Though my body was not used to being away from home (and it showed!) the extra canker sores, hemorrhoids and fatigue was well worth it all.
Some priceless bonding time with my daughter, sister and friends....was exactly that, PRICELESS!
Can't wait to do it next year!

Another one off the LIST!

My list of things to do...
my "bucket list"...not meant to be morbid, just things I really have wanted to do that I have always put off....these are things I need to start ticking off the list!!
Horseback riding is this weekend...and tonight I started working on another!
I went to my first swim lesson tonight.
I have never really learned to swim. I mean, I can make my way from here to there, but really swim? NOPE, not so much.
Well, now that we go to places like Mexico regularly, and live in a lake town...it is time to learn.
I also figured it was a good way to get into shape before my surgery and water to me has always been therapeutic.
My goal is to get good enough I can swim laps in the pool as a form of exercise...
I love water.
I was really nervous before this lesson.
I have no hair or eyebrows and I live in a small town. I was really insecure about being exposed....
I bought a swim cap and though it is super dorky, people might not notice I am bald.
EXCEPT!
When I got out of the pool and went to the change room, I looked in the mirror...YIKES! all of my brow and eyeliner was gone and I looked like an alien! Like CONEHEADS without the point!
It's hard. I have to worry about shit like this, but it will get easier....I try to just focus on enjoying my lesson and I know it will be worth it.
I am going to learn to swim!!!!

The BEST gift EVER!

I received a gift last night that made me cry instantly.
My husband's friend and his fiance have been traveling down south since December. I must admit I was extremely jealous of them, as it was something I wanted to do all of my life, but in December I was worrying about my cancer diagnosis. I don't know these friends very well, I have met them a few times and really enjoyed their company, but it has always been short visits.
I have followed their Facebook posts of their travels and dreamt of what they must be feeling and experiencing...all with envy. And then, last night I got an email that made me cry.
It was from these two travelers...
In it were some kinds words to me about my treatment and such, then a few inspirational quotes for me that they gathered...and at the bottom a beautiful picture of Machu Picchu (a place I have always wanted to go, that has been an inspiration to me during my battle) and if that wasn't enough, when I looked closely at the picture, I saw yellow flowers that spelled my name.
They seriously thought of me so much to spell my name in flowers at the top of the mountain and take a picture for me.
This is one of the most special things anyone has ever done for me.
Unspeakable.
It always amazes me the people who come forward to show you they care.
It is things like this that get me motivated and give me the push to continue fighting.
Thank you
Thank you
I will never forget this.

to understand why Machu Picchu is sacred and one of the 7 Wonders of the World...read up on it here:
http://www.rediscovermachupicchu.com/

Phlebitis &Trans Flap Surgery

I had a panic attack last night.
My bloody arm has been hurting so bad since my allergic reaction chemo treatment.
My vein is seriously messed up and last night it flared up something FIERCE!!
The vein is sore to the touch always but on occasion it flares up, hardens, and throbs so badly. Last night was really bad. I brought it up with the chemo nurses but they didn't say much, so I assumed it was normal.
Last night it freaked me out and I googled it. BIG MISTAKE.
I mostly saw results for THROMBOSIS, which is a blood clot in your arm or leg cause by many things (chemo being one) and, as you know, blood clots can be fatal if they travel so I panicked.
After my husband calmed me down, I found a blog where a woman called it Phlebitis. Phlebitis is a common reaction from chemo in the vein, which causes swelling and soreness in the vein. It is said to pass once chemo is over and over time.
I hope so! I will still bring this issue up with my doctor next time I see him, just to make sure it isn't something to worry about....

I called my surgeon today to see if an appointment for my surgery had been made yet.
The receptionist told me that I was booked in for June 23.
This is a few days after my Relay For Life....
I have mixed feelings about having the date set.
In a way, I am excited that it is coming so soon...it means closure to my year from hell, it means prevention from this ever happening to me again....and it means a flat belly and new perky boobs!!
But, it is very scary also.
I try not to analyze it too much or think too much about it.
Ignorance is bliss at this point and I can't control what will happen, so I shouldn't worry or think about it. I may have pain, I may have extreme pain, I may not have much pain....I can't control it so I need to be at peace with it.
I may have complications, I may not...I can't control it, so I shouldn't worry about it.
Eventually I will heal and be normal, and that is what I need to focus on. I know I can do this, I know this is best for me, I just need to be at peace with it so I don't give myself an ulcer thinking about it..
Ohhhh Adivan, I hope you work for me in June!!

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, so why worry....and why worry about things you can control? If you can control them, then why worry? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.
Wayne Dyer

FUN THINGS!!

Lots of fun things going on in my world right now.
I am surrounded by fun!
The way everyone should be at all times!!
On Sunday the "fair" came to Nelson and the kids were so excited.
This is one of the main things I love about being in a small town. The crazy excitement brought about by the smallest things. When we lived in Calgary a small fair would be snubbed by the kids and the Stampede (LARGEST FAIR ON EARTH) wouldn't have even brought full joy, though it would be extremely stressful, chaotic and RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE!!!
Now that we are in a small town, a little market or carnival or play comes to town and it's so exciting!! Plus, it's easy and stress free to go to and fairly inexpensive....it's the BEST!!
We arrived at the fair site and there were a decent number of rides (10-12) and about 5 games to play for prizes...cotton candy, hotdogs, snowcones and nachos and cheese...just the essentials.
Nice and Simple!
The kids went on all the rides they wanted to, had a pop (which is a treat in our home as I do not agree with regular soda) and got a bag of cotton candy to take home at the end....it was all completed, with out rushing, in about 2 hours.
PERFECT!
There are many more events planned in the next month including camping, and this weekend coming, a trip to Fernie with friends and family!!
14 friends (and their kids), including my sister and brother in law and niece are all meeting in this small ski town, halfway between Calgary and Nelson. My friend Shannon rented a big, fancy log cabin chalet and we are going to have good food (fondue), drinks, play games, hot tub and relax. I am only bringing my daughter as my husband has to work and my son wouldn't be very interested....
It is Mother's Day weekend and I planned that Lily and I go horseback riding on the Saturday.
I have been wanting to go for a while and it is on my "list of things to do"...so I figured, let's do it together!! I am quite excited. I spent the day yesterday grocery shopping for yummy stuff to take with us....I am starting quite an expensive habit. I still like my treats, but I am very concerned about the "healthiness" of foods, so now I buy SPRITIZERS instead of pop and ORGANIC RICE CHIPS instead of Old Dutch....it isn't cheap.
It is going to be fun this weekend, I am excited to see my friends and my niece...I will be sure to post pictures next week!!
Happy Mother's Day Y'all!!

A Poo Story.

BLECH!
Somebody erase the last 24 hours from my life!!
Sunday, we as a family went to the town fair....it was sweet, nostalgic just the way I like it.
Everything was fine, but when we got home, I started losing some energy.
I pressured myself into planting my herbs and raspberry bushes though I wasn't feeling up to it. Then after, I was just beat! So we ordered pizza for supper so no one had to cook. This was part of the mistake.
Later Sunday night I started feeling shittier and shittier, like no energy and a bit of a headache coming on. I closed my eyes on the couch and had a short nap. When I woke up, I watched a movie with my husband and by the time I got up to go to bed I was washed out!!
I had a bad headache and sort of felt nauseaus...I realized I hadn't taken a crap in 2 days!!
I know, I know, too much information....well, stop reading then.
Anyway, my first 2 days of chemo I was going #2 like a star, so I didn't take my stool softeners, then life got busy, I started eating my post-chemo crap (dairy and carbs) and here I was in a predicament. So I went up to bed, popped my dose of poo pills and went to sleep.
I woke up at 5am hurting....
MIGRANE so bad I just wanted to throw up....it's funny I could tell the migrane was due to constipation, like I could sense it was a sign of my body being toxic. I got up, and took tylenol. Then I barfed them up, and every time I thought of the pizza for supper I wretched. YUCK!
I took another Tylenol and after about 30 min of puking, I crashed.
When I woke up in the morning I felt the same...so I went to the kitchen and made my famous "Coconut Milk, Huckleberry and Wheat Germ" smoothie....sucked it back and hoped it would work ASAP.
It didn't, I felt like shit and I had a bath and went back to bed. I slept until 2pm. When I finally woke up and though I wasn't feeling top notch, my headache was a tiny bit better and the nausea was tolerable. I sat on the couch for the rest of the day. It was rough, even when I got up to get a glass of water I was out of breath and felt like I was going to pass out. I am pretty sure my counts were SUPER LOW!! Not to mention the constipation. Eventually by the late afternoon I had moved my bowels a tiny bit, enough to make me fell like I didn't need to go to the ER for an aenima (which they recommend after 2 days)....and though I had no energy the rest of the night, I started feeling a bit better.
This morning, I am back to normal, I am happy to say and have successfully completed a proper #2 , so I am off to get groceries and visit my doc and will blog later on FUN and HAPPY things....
Thanks for listening.
The joys of being 31 in a 80 year old body...
so sexy.

Me be Bloggin'

Man, I have been trying to post a "my favorite things" part two on here, but since I changed my layout, I am having troubles with pictures and format and stuff...so it'll have to wait.

Day 4 post chemo (chemo #5)
Must say, best chemo so far....it seems to be getting easier (physically)....Mentally? Not so much. It's exhausting and saddening that I am getting used to all the side effects....no hair, weight gain, heartburn, sore muscles, sore throat, chemo cough, chemo brain, daily belly needles....on and on....
BUT!
It is seeming to be more tolerable, for some strange reason.
The hospital is definitely the key to success. My weird anxiety was even more tolerable...my husband hooked up my TV in my hospital room for me this round and it seemed to distract me from being drugged up in a weird place. Nice...I love my husband!
I was fairly lazy the day after chemo, but no nausea really....then yesterday I was struggling with wanting to do things, be productive, but when I got up and went at 'er' I would find myself (after minutes) thinking, "I'm tired, why am I doing this?" and then I'd go sit back down on the couch.
BUT!
I did the dishes, prepped supper, swept and didn't feel like to big of a waste of skin, come the end of the day, so that's good.
Today, my daughter and I went into town for a HUGE spread of breakfast, waffles, cinnamon buns, hashbrowns, eggs, ham, oj, coffee....all the yummy things I should be avoiding, but we chowed! And we giggled....and then we hit the town of Nelson and went garage sailing!! It was fun. My daughter found lots of marbles for her collection and I scored a coffee table for my patio and some beads for making jewelry.
On our way from one garage sale to another, I turned a corner and saw a cop pulling us over....it was too late to fasten my seat belt. CRAP!
I just pulled out! This wasn't fair!!
I wanted to play the cancer card so bad, but couldn't think of a realistic way to do it, without it being obvious. I almost just pulled my wig off when he went to check my insurance and registration....haha, wouldn't that be funny....my mom (a breast cancer survivor herself) said to me later when we spoke of it on the phone "you should have said, you couldn't wear the seatbelt because it hurts your breast!" ....man my mom's good....lol.
After garage sailing we walked the dogs and returned home for some relaxation...it was a good day.
BUT!
I have had my second Filgrastim (Neupogen) shot today and it's very achy!! Plus I have a sore spot in my throat...which I am hoping is just a mouth sore and not the start (or flare up) of my old cold back again....you know, the old January cold I have been hanging on to??
Tomorrow is the town fair, and I am looking forward to taking the kids....maybe I can sneak some cotton candy (I often feel like if I eat something fast enough it won't hurt my body or tuen into fat...)
May is going to be crazy!! Lot's of stuff going on....I'll be posting lots!
Til then,
peace.