Yep, I'm gonna blog about this "sometimes uncomfortable" topic, soooo... if you don't feel comfortable hearing about it, stop reading now!
The bottom line is that this is a HUGE issue, especially with cancer in young adults.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought a lot about it. I worried that I wouldn't be having sex with my husband for the entire length of my treatment! He would cheat on me for sure!! A whole YEAR without intercourse!!
That wasn't the case, but there have been ups and downs (pardon the pun) and different issues for sure, here are some of them.
Before chemo started I was pushed by my doctor to get a "port a cath" which is a surgically implanted access disk they place under your chest, so that they don't have to poke you every time they inject chemo. I refused. For me, I refused it because (not only am I a chicken and dodge any surgery I can but...) I instantly had an image of me naked in front of my husband, bald, boobless, pale and with this "Alien-like" implant sticking out of my body. I couldn't have it. There was a lot of unattractive stuff coming my way, I wanted to limit it as much as possible. I needed to keep myself looking as "normal" as possible in order to get thru this year with the least amount of trauma. I knew that if I looked too sick, I would not want to be intimate and this was a big deal for me. So I refused the port and this was the first real time that cancer had an impact on my sex life. **(Please note that I do NOT think a port is disgusting, I am not saying that in any way...but for me, I was afraid it would freak me out when I looked at it, it was my own choice for ME only.)
My first week of chemo, the nurses told me..."Make sure you don't have intercourse within 48hrs after a chemo treatment, as your bodily fluids are radio-active". this was TOO MUCH! My husband and I laughed when we heard this...I thought, REALLY? Am I going to feel like having sex RIGHT after a chemo treatment? The mental image was quite disturbing!!
Chemo months were ok though...not as sexually active as "pre-cancer life" because I just wasn't feeling great a lot of the time, but there were still a decent amount of good moments. In fact, because cancer is so emotional and there is a lot of fear about mortality and such, cancer can really bring you together with your partner and there were some intimate moments over the last few months, that were VERY special and emotional for me. In some ways, the disease made the sex have much more meaning. Sometimes it's not the quantity, it's the quality.
I had some issues with feeling attractive with my bald head. My husband said it never bothered him, but I couldn't help but feel like I lost a lot of my femininity with my hair loss. I never tried making love with a wig on, but I am sure one could and it may even be fun! I just turned out the lights and hoped he wouldn't feel my bald head....all that said, when you lose your hair on your head, you lose the hair all over your body...it's a perk to not have to shave your legs and...etc. Smooth!
I know for some women chemo can put you into menopause. Though this didn't happen to me, I have read many times, that it is common to have vaginal dryness and some discomfort during intercourse. There are many websites with tips on these issues....
The hardest part for me is right now.
I am post surgery and I worry about my confidence in the future when I am feeling well enough to get things back on track with my husband. I worry that he has seen too much of the freaky, gross stuff (drains, scabs, holes in my body, stitches, bruises, blood) that he is going to be permanently turned off from me.
I worry that he won't find my new body attractive. Not because it doesn't look attractive, because it does! But because it isn't my real breasts...it is going to creep him out? Do I repulse him? I mean I went from a size 4 hot little thing when we fist met to what I am now...it's a BIG change and it sucks.
Sometimes I feel like a freak.
A lot of the reason I chose the Tram surgery is because I have never liked the idea of implants and I know my husband has never found the idea of them attractive. He is very against Plastic Surgery and has always said it was a turn off. So, I am hoping that the results from my surgery will be natural enough for him to feel like it is still me.
I know in my heart he loves me, I know that he isn't superficial, but I just pray that this year of hell hasn't stripped me of my self confidence and stripped Kerry of his physical attraction to me.
Hopefully we can continue our "pre-cancer" life together, and hopefully it will be better than ever.
The bottom line is that this is a HUGE issue, especially with cancer in young adults.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought a lot about it. I worried that I wouldn't be having sex with my husband for the entire length of my treatment! He would cheat on me for sure!! A whole YEAR without intercourse!!
That wasn't the case, but there have been ups and downs (pardon the pun) and different issues for sure, here are some of them.
Before chemo started I was pushed by my doctor to get a "port a cath" which is a surgically implanted access disk they place under your chest, so that they don't have to poke you every time they inject chemo. I refused. For me, I refused it because (not only am I a chicken and dodge any surgery I can but...) I instantly had an image of me naked in front of my husband, bald, boobless, pale and with this "Alien-like" implant sticking out of my body. I couldn't have it. There was a lot of unattractive stuff coming my way, I wanted to limit it as much as possible. I needed to keep myself looking as "normal" as possible in order to get thru this year with the least amount of trauma. I knew that if I looked too sick, I would not want to be intimate and this was a big deal for me. So I refused the port and this was the first real time that cancer had an impact on my sex life. **(Please note that I do NOT think a port is disgusting, I am not saying that in any way...but for me, I was afraid it would freak me out when I looked at it, it was my own choice for ME only.)
My first week of chemo, the nurses told me..."Make sure you don't have intercourse within 48hrs after a chemo treatment, as your bodily fluids are radio-active". this was TOO MUCH! My husband and I laughed when we heard this...I thought, REALLY? Am I going to feel like having sex RIGHT after a chemo treatment? The mental image was quite disturbing!!
Chemo months were ok though...not as sexually active as "pre-cancer life" because I just wasn't feeling great a lot of the time, but there were still a decent amount of good moments. In fact, because cancer is so emotional and there is a lot of fear about mortality and such, cancer can really bring you together with your partner and there were some intimate moments over the last few months, that were VERY special and emotional for me. In some ways, the disease made the sex have much more meaning. Sometimes it's not the quantity, it's the quality.
I had some issues with feeling attractive with my bald head. My husband said it never bothered him, but I couldn't help but feel like I lost a lot of my femininity with my hair loss. I never tried making love with a wig on, but I am sure one could and it may even be fun! I just turned out the lights and hoped he wouldn't feel my bald head....all that said, when you lose your hair on your head, you lose the hair all over your body...it's a perk to not have to shave your legs and...etc. Smooth!
I know for some women chemo can put you into menopause. Though this didn't happen to me, I have read many times, that it is common to have vaginal dryness and some discomfort during intercourse. There are many websites with tips on these issues....
The hardest part for me is right now.
I am post surgery and I worry about my confidence in the future when I am feeling well enough to get things back on track with my husband. I worry that he has seen too much of the freaky, gross stuff (drains, scabs, holes in my body, stitches, bruises, blood) that he is going to be permanently turned off from me.
I worry that he won't find my new body attractive. Not because it doesn't look attractive, because it does! But because it isn't my real breasts...it is going to creep him out? Do I repulse him? I mean I went from a size 4 hot little thing when we fist met to what I am now...it's a BIG change and it sucks.
Sometimes I feel like a freak.
A lot of the reason I chose the Tram surgery is because I have never liked the idea of implants and I know my husband has never found the idea of them attractive. He is very against Plastic Surgery and has always said it was a turn off. So, I am hoping that the results from my surgery will be natural enough for him to feel like it is still me.
I know in my heart he loves me, I know that he isn't superficial, but I just pray that this year of hell hasn't stripped me of my self confidence and stripped Kerry of his physical attraction to me.
Hopefully we can continue our "pre-cancer" life together, and hopefully it will be better than ever.
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