Enlightenment must come little by little - otherwise it would overwhelm. ~ Idries Shah

Well I am overwhelmed.
Magic has truly happened over and over again this year.
If ever I doubted there being a "higher power" I have been shown over and over again I am wrong.
God exists.
Whether you call him Jesus or Buddha, or Mother Nature or even the "Law of Attraction"...
...if you believe and trust, good will come to you.
If you do good and think positive thoughts, good will come back your way.
I have more proof than I could ever need.
I wish I had a camera with me over the last 9 months so I could show all of you just what I am talking about. To tell you every little thing is very hard, and it is probably hard for you to even believe.
Yes, I had a run of bad luck over the last few years, a lot of overwhelming things happened to us, and then of course late last year, the cancer. When something as big as cancer happens to you, you are forced to surrender all control and trust that God will take care of you, to trust that what is meant to be will be, and whatever that is, is what is best.
It is a hard thing to do. To put ALL trust in God or the universe to take you down the path that is meant for you. But when you are in a situation such as "cancer", you can only control so much of your destiny. you can eat healthy and do the treatments recommended to you and get rest and so on, but ultimately you don't have control of your fate, so you just need to think positive, and put all faith in a higher power.
You need to believe.

I have had SO many "strange" things happen to me over the last year, it is almost hard to believe. It seems that every time I prayed or even just thought in my head, that I needed or wanted something really badly, it would somehow present itself in the oddest of ways.
I had a vision board I had made last year, and I cut out pictures of all sorts of things I wanted to attract into my life. From beachy holidays to sparkly rings to money to more time with my family and a slim body. I know, most of it sounds superficial to me now, but we must all admit, we all dream of these things right? And at the time, I didn't have cancer, so I longed for all the usual things one longs for. I hung the vision board on my wall and for a long while none of it came to me. Looking back now I know that it is because I was in a negative place. I was too busy to look at the board, I was too angry at my job and I was too bitter about life.
This year, since 2010 began, I have been BOMBARDED with all of the things on my vision board plus more! Here are some examples...
When I was first diagnosed, all I could think about was how I was going to afford things...I had paychecks coming in but they were only a percentage of what our budget was used to....
Then, in came money raised from co-workers, friends and family....I even got a check from an insurance policy we didn't even know I had!! That was very strange. Every time we were in need of money throughout the year, somehow it came to us. We haven't had too many moments where were worried about money.
I remember one night, I felt alone in my cancer world, with no one to relate and talk to....I fell into a deep depression. Within the next 24 hrs, a friend emailed me and told me about her old school mate that was also just diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the same age as me and had young kids. I emailed her and instantly found a new friend and a reason to be strong and stand up brave and continue on. We still help each other and I know we always will...she gave my cancer diagnoses a real purpose...to help others with the disease. Once I met her I felt I HAD to be strong, so we could help each other.
When I was getting ready for my surgery, I went for a massage that I had received as a gift earlier in the year...I knew I was very afraid of my surgery and how long it would take me to heal after the big day. During this massage, this massage therapist that I hardly know, asked me when I would be back from my surgery. I told her the date and she said "Perfect! I am teaching a class starting that day and we will need people to practice on all week that week." The class was "Massage for Palliative care and Post-Surgical massage" It was geared for exactly what I would need! Sure enough I had massages all that week and I am actually continuing STILL to get free massage from some of these students. It has helped my healing IMMENSELY! Also that same night, I got a phone call from a woman in town who had the same surgery as I was going to receive. She had "heard" that I needed someone to talk to about it and she filled me with the courage I was looking for.
There were MANY more events that took place this year that confirmed to me there is a God...from wanting certain books and then receiving them "out of the blue" in the mail, to thinking of an old friend and them calling! On and on I could go. Every time something like this would happen I would be filled even more with love and trust and enlightenment.
The most recent event that has put me over the top took place today.
A week or so ago, our old van died. The brakes went on it and a bunch of other things have been broken for a long time. It has high KM's and we just put $700 into it earlier this year...we decided we will be needing a new vehicle. It isn't worth paying more money to keep fixing it. Because we don't (can't) carry loan debt I knew we had to use our savings to buy a new car. Obviously this was less than ideal because the savings was for there for a vacation (hopefully). I had put a small amount aside in hopes we could take a vacation somewhere hot once this cancer thing was all said and done. It was going to be a reward for all my husband and I had been thru this year. So needless to say, it was good I had the money to buy a car, but I was struggling with giving up the holiday.
Last night looking out the truck window, I looked down at the beautiful lake. I was feeling sad about giving up the holiday, but had decided the car was priority. Just then, I felt a good feeling. I was suddenly at peace with it. A voice in my head told me that I needed the car and that the holiday would come to me a different way, not to worry about it. I told myself to just surrender the "control" and just trust.
Today I received an email from a complete stranger (who just happens to live an hour and a half away from here) she said she had been following my blog from the beginning. She was reading it because it was originally about my desire to move to Mexico and she TOO shared that dream. She continued to read the blog when it turned in to my Breast Cancer journey and now she was emailing me. She told me she has a condo in Mazatlan and she would like to offer it to my husband and I to stay in for FREE! Now she had no idea I was having to give up my holiday, she had no idea what kind of dilemma I was in...she just decided she wanted to gift us a holiday, out of the kindness of her heart. She wants us to celebrate the cancer victory! And that we will....I am very grateful, and (if you are reading) I thank you again!

This among so many other generous, kind gestures I have experienced from people this year, has shown me that PEOPLE ARE GOOD! The WORLD IS GOOD! And we all have to help people whenever and however we can. We have to pay it forward whenever we possibly can.
I believe that Karma is why I have been so fortunate this year. Getting cancer changed my view on things, it forced me to slow down and see the world in a different way. Never in my life have I been so positive, never in my life have I helped others, smiled at people, given out compliments, and just radiated hope, trust and love like I have this year. I KNOW for a fact that this positive way of living, along with my strong faith I developed this year, has in turn provided me with what I have wanted and needed this year. It has to be. It has proven itself.

You can ask to receive, but unless you BELIEVE and agree to give back, you will not be a recipient of Karma, or the Law of Attraction, or God's generous gifts.
All I know is that... one really BAD thing happened to me last year...it forced me to change my ways... and ever since...my cup has been overflowing.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it's not there)..
the universe will correspond to the nature of your song
The Movie- "The Secret"

Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it, and it will be yours.
Inspirational Bible Quote Mark 11:24

Whatever karma I create, whether good or evil, that I shall inherit.
Dali Lama

Post Surgical ME!!

Here are some pictures of me this past week (Post Tram Flap Surgery) if anyone wants detailed pictures of the incision sites email me and I can send them to you (ex. breasts and belly)
meganshair@gmail.com
Above you can see a bit of the incision site on each side and my newly made belly button (scabby)

My chest is all greasy from massage!

My daughter's shot of me, hair coming in nicely! Lighter than before but I like it!

Relay For Life Cont....

I thought it was about time I posted some pictures of the Relay For Life that myself and my supporters took part in earlier this summer.
It was a real success and I was very happy with all of the people who donated and showed up to walk with us. It was a 12 hr. day filled with lots of activities, contests, cancer ceremonies, and a twilight luminary dedication to survivors and those who lost their battle. It was a very emotional day for me and I am sure for many others, but it felt good to contribute to research and a cure for cancer.

The Relay took place in our local Lakeside Park...what a beautiful place to spend the day, and it was so sunny out all day.

We decorated our tent in a "boxer" theme!

Again, our view for the day, the beach at Lakeside Park.

My supportive sister in law with her Relay shirt on.

My son wearing the shirts that my Father in law made up for us.

Part of the opening ceremony, bag pipers...it was beautiful.

The Survivors lap. We all walked a lap and then the local Dragon Boat team raised their paddles and we walked under their arch while bag pipes played. This part was very emotional and I had to fight hard to keep back the tears as I walked under this arch.

A different view.

Jazzercise!

A few friends enjoying snacks.

My daughter at our tent.

Un-FREAKING-believable!

This may just be the most important post I make in the history of this blog.
It most certainly will be my favorite post I ever make.
While chatting on the phone with my sister this afternoon, I got a beep from call waiting.
I clicked to the other line and it was a nurse from the chemo room at the hospital.
I had left a message a few days ago inquiring if they had received my Pathology report results from my mastectomy.
She quickly proceeded to tell me that there was "No sign of cancer found in any tissue from either breast, nor was there any cancer found in any of the lymph nodes they pulled (11 total).
These words were the light at the end of the tunnel I have been focused on all year...the thought that the utter hell I have been through this year has finally paid off, brought me to tears!
I sobbed uncontrollably form sheer relief and joy.
Now I can Believe that I am cancer free and continue my life without fear of metastisizing.
I thank all of my friends and family for their support and prayers...
most of all I thank GOD.
I am a believer, and that will never change.
Grateful.

Cancer & Intimacy

Yep, I'm gonna blog about this "sometimes uncomfortable" topic, soooo... if you don't feel comfortable hearing about it, stop reading now!

The bottom line is that this is a HUGE issue, especially with cancer in young adults.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought a lot about it. I worried that I wouldn't be having sex with my husband for the entire length of my treatment! He would cheat on me for sure!! A whole YEAR without intercourse!!
That wasn't the case, but there have been ups and downs (pardon the pun) and different issues for sure, here are some of them.

Before chemo started I was pushed by my doctor to get a "port a cath" which is a surgically implanted access disk they place under your chest, so that they don't have to poke you every time they inject chemo. I refused. For me, I refused it because (not only am I a chicken and dodge any surgery I can but...) I instantly had an image of me naked in front of my husband, bald, boobless, pale and with this "Alien-like" implant sticking out of my body. I couldn't have it. There was a lot of unattractive stuff coming my way, I wanted to limit it as much as possible. I needed to keep myself looking as "normal" as possible in order to get thru this year with the least amount of trauma. I knew that if I looked too sick, I would not want to be intimate and this was a big deal for me. So I refused the port and this was the first real time that cancer had an impact on my sex life. **(Please note that I do NOT think a port is disgusting, I am not saying that in any way...but for me, I was afraid it would freak me out when I looked at it, it was my own choice for ME only.)

My first week of chemo, the nurses told me..."Make sure you don't have intercourse within 48hrs after a chemo treatment, as your bodily fluids are radio-active". this was TOO MUCH! My husband and I laughed when we heard this...I thought, REALLY? Am I going to feel like having sex RIGHT after a chemo treatment? The mental image was quite disturbing!!

Chemo months were ok though...not as sexually active as "pre-cancer life" because I just wasn't feeling great a lot of the time, but there were still a decent amount of good moments. In fact, because cancer is so emotional and there is a lot of fear about mortality and such, cancer can really bring you together with your partner and there were some intimate moments over the last few months, that were VERY special and emotional for me. In some ways, the disease made the sex have much more meaning. Sometimes it's not the quantity, it's the quality.

I had some issues with feeling attractive with my bald head. My husband said it never bothered him, but I couldn't help but feel like I lost a lot of my femininity with my hair loss. I never tried making love with a wig on, but I am sure one could and it may even be fun! I just turned out the lights and hoped he wouldn't feel my bald head....all that said, when you lose your hair on your head, you lose the hair all over your body...it's a perk to not have to shave your legs and...etc. Smooth!

I know for some women chemo can put you into menopause. Though this didn't happen to me, I have read many times, that it is common to have vaginal dryness and some discomfort during intercourse. There are many websites with tips on these issues....

The hardest part for me is right now.
I am post surgery and I worry about my confidence in the future when I am feeling well enough to get things back on track with my husband. I worry that he has seen too much of the freaky, gross stuff (drains, scabs, holes in my body, stitches, bruises, blood) that he is going to be permanently turned off from me.
I worry that he won't find my new body attractive. Not because it doesn't look attractive, because it does! But because it isn't my real breasts...it is going to creep him out? Do I repulse him? I mean I went from a size 4 hot little thing when we fist met to what I am now...it's a BIG change and it sucks.
Sometimes I feel like a freak.
A lot of the reason I chose the Tram surgery is because I have never liked the idea of implants and I know my husband has never found the idea of them attractive. He is very against Plastic Surgery and has always said it was a turn off. So, I am hoping that the results from my surgery will be natural enough for him to feel like it is still me.
I know in my heart he loves me, I know that he isn't superficial, but I just pray that this year of hell hasn't stripped me of my self confidence and stripped Kerry of his physical attraction to me.
Hopefully we can continue our "pre-cancer" life together, and hopefully it will be better than ever.

UPDATE

Went to BBQ with friends last night.
Felt good.
Took off bra for first real time in a week last night
Feels good, don't need it on 24 hrs a day anymore.
Had a good sleep.
Went to the bathroom this morning...
pretty sure my hemorrhoids are healing once and for all...
it's gonna be a good day.

Feeling Good!

My posts might be a little boring for the next little while, as my life is just that right now.
However, I will continue to journal as it is good for me and I know if anyone is going thru a Tram surgery, then reading how someone else is recovering and feeling always helps.
I am feeling quite good today, both mentally and physically.
My mom left today to go back to Calgary and took my son with her. Now I am left on my own with my daughter. My husband is obviously here, but working during the days, so it will be a bit of a test to see how I do on my own. The only thing that bothers me is the inability to clean house properly due to my lack of mobility....but thankfully I have a great friend who is a house cleaner and I will gladly pay her to help me out.
I sit here on my couch, everything is quiet for the first time in weeks and it is kind of nice to be alone with my thoughts. I will miss my mom, she did such a good job of taking care of me, but I am ready to get a bit busier, it is in my nature to want to take care of things and keep busy.
I am looking forward to tonight as I am going to a friends house for a bbq and can't wait to sit outside and have a drink with friends.
I woke up the other day with some new bruising on my right breast. It was shocking to me because I haven't had much bruising yet. I became a little worried and was trying to get a hold of someone last night, just to be sure it wasn't anything to be concerned about. Unfortunately I couldn't get a hold of anyone until today. It seems that it is normal. There can be deep lying bruises under the surface that don't make their way up to be seen until quite some time after surgery. This was a relief as I knew I didn't bang it on anything and I was hoping it wasn't some kind of complication.
I am feeling skinnier these days which is a nice change. Even with my swollen arms, I feel like I look thinner, my belly is so flat, it hasn't looked like that in years! My breasts are looking great too, they are just the right size, very similar to before, yet they stand up nicely on their own! The only thing that is weird is the incision around the nipple. The main incision line is where the areola used to be. It is circular around the nipple and it still looks a bit "Frankenstein" to me. I know it will fade nicely as I have seen photos. In fact, the massage team is coming over today to show me how to manage my scars and incisions. I will be using ice and vitamin E oil to massage and prevent noticable scarring.
I have been reading Tram Flap discussion boards and it is always fun to hear that most women need to go out and buy new pants after they heal, because the old ones are too big! This is great for me because, I have a closet FULL of clothes I have been waiting to fit into again...so....kepp your fingers crossed!

Another Day.

Just woke up (11:30pm) from a two and a half hour Gravol nap!
I hope I can get back to sleep!
I woke up feeling quite good after a long sleep last night.
I decided I wanted to attempt a short visit to our street market.
Nelson has the best little markets with crafts and music and homegrown or home baked foods.
It was sunny out and my mom loaded my daughter and I into her convertible and we set in for town. It was nice to get some vitamin D!
I fared pretty well at the market, slowly strolling around looking at booths. It was nice to have a reason to dress up a bit (anything more than a sports bra and shorts).
I bought some fresh homemade raspberry juice, some rainbow radishes and my mom bought a bag of Kettle Corn and some molasses cookies.
When we got home later, I felt pretty good, but I was a little sore in the back and a bit swollen again. The massage ladies showed up, on time at 4:00pm and gave me ANOTHER great massage.
When they left at 5:00, I got up and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner, as I was doing this I ate a molasses cookie and nibbled on tomato, cucumber and some cheese.
We all dished up and began eating, when I suddenly didn't feel good.
I ran to my room and proceeded to throw up and have diarrhea.
It was the oddest thing, it lasted about an hour and then my husband gave me 2 Gravol and it went away.
I felt fine until 9:00, when I got really tired and went to bed, now I am up and having a snack.
I am not sure what brought this sickness on, but it was like a mini flu!
I am glad it was short lasted as retching after a stomach surgery is NOT pleasant. I was quite worried it was going to have been food poisoning, but I am sure if it were, it would have lasted a lot longer than an hour. Maybe it was the massage?? Or the molasses cookie didn't sit well??
Who knows, I will try to get back to sleep now.
Tomorrow is a new day!

Turning Corners

Turning Corners.
Not in the literal sense, well, I guess that too.
What I mean is that my life right now is solely focused on little improvements and turning corners.
I have had an interesting last few days.
It has been very dark actually.
Life fades in and out of sunny hope to dark helplessness.
It is hard to see the bad when I was laying immobilized in a critical care unit 2 weeks ago, things have improved so much since then. However...
It is hard to see the good, when all I see in the mirror are the effects from cancer, and all I feel is pain and discomfort.
It is hard to be happy when it is summer and everyone is out being inspired and enjoying the world, and I, who used to be the MOST motivated, is stuck inside, with nothing to do that makes me feel valuable. It is hard.
And so last night I cried on my husbands shoulder. It has been a while.
I try to be strong, as I am starting to see the cancer is wearing on him. He has been a trooper but is getting worn out.
But I couldn't help it, I hugged him and cried and it helped.
He hugged me back and it instantly gave me relief and the energy I needed to focus on the good again.
Whether it be 5 minutes more of movement a day, the removal of a bandage, learning to sleep on my side, or and emotional turning point....
it all matters, it is all part of the healing.
I am turning corners, slowly, but I am turning corners nonetheless.

Restless Leg Syndrome and Massage

I have been fortunate enough to have been included in a detailed massage class, where the practicum began the day I got home form my surgery. I have had, everyday, students with varying degrees of healing experience, some Reiki, some Cranio Sacral Therapy, and some Accupressure. They have decided to take this course (instructed by my massage therapist) to add to their healing skills.
Though, the phone calls and people in and out has been a bit exhausting, the treatments have been worth it!
I had a treatment yesterday afternoon that made me turn a corner.
Hours after the treatment, I had feeling in my arms and chest like I haven't had before...
Sensation! The ability to move around like I have never had! Most of my pain subsided and by bedtime, I was moving like crazy!!
Almost, too much in fact!
I couldn't sleep last night, because I couldn't keep still! I was so tired, but my legs wanted to stretch, and my arms wanted to bend and feel all of the cold spots on the bed. It was like I was bound in a cocoon for years and was let out suddenly!
It was very annoying though, when I did want to sleep. Finally, I fell asleep at 2:00am but still tossed and turned until 8:00 this morning, where I still felt the symptoms.
I was even lying on my side last night!! I was doing things I couldn't dream of doing before that treatment and I think my body was just so excited, it wanted to move!!
Because I still have some limited mobility (lying on stomach) it is a bit annoying to have made this huge jump in healing, only because my body doesn't to hold back at all. I feel like a Robot with faulty wires!
Today I am going into town to chat with a doctor about this and see if there is something I can take for it, if it comes back...I will continue to feel grateful for the massages and fast healing and try to keep improving my mobility!
Ta-ta for now.

I have been home in Nelson now for 2 days. It has been 7 days since surgery.
Overall, I can't complain too much.
Yesterday we drove home from Kelowna (4.5hrs) and thought the car ride didn't feel uncomfortable, I think I paid for it last night. At about 10pm, I was in agony, swollen tight chest and swollen tight, sore arms. My husband got out the coconut oil and gave me a massage on those areas. Our highly educated massage therapist friend instructed (over the phone) to my husband to rub my arms upward toward the heart, basically trying to push the fluid build up to the heart so it can be pumped out through the kidneys. She also recommended to keep my arms elevated, and she was right, instant relief then and all day today with that tip.
I had 2 more drains pulled today in my bed in 33 degree weather!
I lay there sweating my butt off and though the first drain was completely painless, the second was excruciating! I screamed so loud I think my neighbors must have heard, and then instant tears...
Apparently scar tissue had formed over the drain hole and she basically had to rip it open with the tugging....YIKES! I hope tomorrow's drains (the last 2) won't be painful. They are on my upper thigh and go into my abdomen, it seems like a less painful place. I am scared, but feel like it will be ok, just looking forward to getting them out and all of this over with.
Just sitting here waiting for my massage therapist to show up to rub my arms and chest, which will feel really nice.
I will blog again soon...she's here!!
ciao.

MILESTONES

Just sitting here thinking about how far I have come in a week.
For any of you considering this surgery, looking at the milestones I have overcome will give you some insight as to how this surgery is...

Most Noteworthy Milestones over the last week...

1. Walking into the hospital on the morning of surgery.
2. Laying myself on the surgical table minutes before surgery (the ultimate surrendering of body and control)
3. Keeping it together for the first hours post surgery (mental control)
4. Using my hands for the first time and small movements of arms.
5. Moving my legs and being able to bend up my knees.
6. Having someone sit me up on the edge of my bed.
7. Laying back down into bed from sitting.
8. Being able to brush my own teeth.
9. Being able to feed myself.
10. Standing for the first time.
11. Walking from the bed to the chair (with walker) for the first time (4 feet)
12. Sitting in a chair that wasn't my bed.
13. Being able to slightly turn my body from one side to the other in bed (this one I am still working on)
14. Walking (with walker) from bed to nursing station (8 feet)
15. Doing a lap around my ward with walker
    
16. Walking with out walker (8 feet)
17. Getting in a vehicle
18. Walking up and down stairs (with rail)
19. Lying myself into bed without any help (last night for the first time)
20. Getting up and out of bed without any help (yesterday for the first time)

So you can see from above how limited mobility one has after this surgery...but you can also see how quickly one can turn corners. Everyday there is a new milestone I accomplish thanks to my body's cooperation, it helps keep me motivated.
Next goal? Break Dancing...
It may be a while..
:)

Who says "walkers" aren't sexy?

So, I have managed to weasel my way out of the hospital ALREADY!! And really, I didn't even have to "weasel" my way out...it was my surgeon's idea!! I was moved yesterday afternoon from the SCCU (critical care unit) where I had my own room, FAB nurses who babied me and made me feel like I was at the Shangri-La...to the regular old crowded hospital room and it was GHETTO! I'm sorry but the hospital was sooo busy, so I was put in a room with 3 other people. A chill guy awaiting surgery...A crazy voluptuous Russian cougar who had done something to her finger, was in there for 16 days and from the minute I stepped into the room till I left 19 hours later she just would NOT stop saying how excited she was to be checking out today...she was the epitome of cuckoo! And the third lady....non stop all night moaning and crying about her sore legs and her need for more pain meds...plus she had black toes and one was missing, so every time I looked straight ahead, I saw her mangled feet...(I know, it's mean, but it was horrible!)
So needless to say, when my surgeon came in and said I could leave today, I was shocked, but happy!!
Plus, you don't get much help in this ward...I had a nurse come in and hand me a basin of water. a towel and a new gown and tell me to clean myself up. I can't even SIT up in bed without help!! So I decided, it WOULD be best for my healing to leave early. I am now in the basement suite my mom and Kerry rented for the week, and we will stay here for 2 nights and come home in a few days.
It has been a challenge, I move VERY slowly and hunched over, and it is hard to do anything for myself...but I have a walker and when I am sitting or laying, I don't feel ANY pain and feel in good spirits. I am just so glad to have this major thing over with!!
Surgery ended up being 12 hours long but my body has been fab at healing and cooperating. Every scary thing that has come up (drains removed, first time standing up etc) I have just thought, "I just made it through a 12 hr surgery, I can do this. I can handle anything!!" My body looks so great so far. I expected to look like Frankenstein, but all I have is 2 small incisions under each breast, 2 new nipples with a few stitches, and an incision on my lower belly (not much bigger than a cesarean) my belly looks flat and all of my stretch marks are gone, and my boobs look good! I hope they don't change too much over time, I like them! All of the nurses keep saying how amazing they are and I have no bruising or real swelling, so that's good.
I am just happy the cancer has been removed (if there was any left, I will find out next week) and I don't have much worry now of having recurrence. My chances have gone down drastically....I am so grateful to my friends, family and especially my husband and mom, for taking such good care of me and all of the love and support for this hurdle. Thank you all! (I even got a new engagement ring from Kerry when I was in the hospital!! (it's amazing!)
So though, the next few weeks will be a challenge to heal my body and learn how to move again...I am just beaming that my journey is coming to an end. I feel like even through all of the hell I have endured...I am coming out on top and a far happier, healthier, BETTER person.
I am so grateful.
<3>

That was a DOOZIE!

The night leading up to the big day I was definately scared...waves of strength, anxiety, peace and panic flashed in and out of my body. The morning of, I woke up at 4am, listened to my pre-surgical meditation CD and had my antibiotic shower. I was terrified, and sad. Also excited for all of these feelings to be gone once and for all. I walked into the hospital, got into a gown, was told to wash again with the pink anitbacterial soap anf went out to the waiting room to wait. That's when panic hit. I felt like I was going to throw up and I started crying....I looked around and wished I was the other people getting a wrist surgery or a minor thing like that. But I wasn't, I was me and here I was.
Sfter trying to convince the interviewer to give me Adivan (she said no) and answering a million questions I have already answered before...my surgeon decided to mark me with his JIFFY. While he did this he took photos and reassured me I would be ok...when they took me into the operating room, it was small and stuffy and very cold. I layed on the table and they gave me and IV and I asked if I would be getting an epidural and he said "No, we don't really do that much anymore, there isn't much point" and next I knew, I was out cold.
I had tried visualizing a 6 hr surgery for myslef. I didn't want it to be too long...so I thought I could convince my body to cooperate and keep it short. I was wrong, it was 12 hours long.
I woke up to the feeling of chaos, moving and lot's of voices. Instatntly, I vomited...I began gagging and wretching, and yo can imagine, after having your ab muscle removed from your body, that didn't feel very great...they cleaned me and tugged at me and lifted me, and finally I was in a bed able to feel relativley comfortable. The clock read 9:45. It wasn't very fun. I stayed in the recovery room for the first 2 nights because they needed to watch me and there wasn't any beds in the ICU. It's not very nice there, but my first nurse was awesome. So sweet. I wish these "special nurses" knew how we felt about them, but before you know it they are gone and there is a new one. I have had 3 awesome and 2 terrible and a fe in between....
I have since been moved to the SCCU (surgical coronary critical unit) so that they can monitor me closely. They want to make sure my new "flaps" (new boobs) take to my body. They come every hour and tap on then to see what color they are.
Moving has been hard...the first time I stood up was so painful, I thought I couldn't do it again....then I slept and did it the next day and moved to a chair and then today I walked a bit, sat in a chair and had 2 dangling moments with my feet off of the bed. I feel good about it, though I am nervous about how I will be able to leave here and go home in 3-4 days and function. I am also nervous about them taking my drains out. So far I have 6 drains...2 on each side of my breast and on on each side of my belly. I heard it hurts to have them removed. I hope I am wrong on this one. Staying in this ward in nice. I have a private room and a personal nurse, though no one other than immediate family can visit me here, and there are a few pwople I would like visits from, but not until I get moved to my public room, hopefully tomorrow.
I will keep writing to keep you up dated, but life is pretty boring here, I sleep 85% of the time and the rest I am getting needles, meds, drains cleaned, catheder drained...blah blah blah. However! The morphine makes for wicked dreams!!
Ciao for now,
Dreamer