Chaos

What a day

Everything normal until 3:00 when I decided (with my sore arm and boob) to walk my dogs.

I went just a 2 minute car ride to a wooded spot I usually go to just off the highway.

Dogs walked well, exercising and burning energy. I walked well too, despite my limited mobility.Until, Shabba (my big beefy boy dog) found a bone. Sheeba (my hyper active girl dog) (and NO I did not name them those names...I named Shabba and Sheeba was already named when we got her)Sheeba saw the bone and wanted it, and Shabba was not going to let up. It was wild game and was like heroin in his jaws.I didn't care much, until it was time to get home. I had left the kids at home and didn't like leaving them long by themselves, though my son is perfectly competent and 4 months away from his babysitter course. I tried to get the dogs in the van and Sheeba happily obliged, but Shabba, no way in hell.He thought I was going to take his bone away.
Usually if I get in the van and start to drive away slowly, he will freak out and come running after me and then when I stop he'll get in, not this time! I'd drive he'd run, I'd stop, he'd run...I'd drive further up and down the mountain and continued to do so for 25 minutes and each time, he'd grab his bone and run away....Finally I thought, "screw this!" I needed to get home to the kids and my body was so sore still, so I had no choice...I would get home and wait til my husband got home and he could hopefully go back and get him....I started to drive away but of course, he followed me "On to the HIGHWAY!!" I kept driving (I had to, there were cars behind me now) I could see him running at the side of the road, and I cringed and kept on home. I was STRESSED out, the thought of him getting hit by a car killed me inside...so I frantically ran into the house when my son said to me "Chris is on his way to fix the broken tile in the kitchen, and your doctor called, he has the results of your test, you need to call him right away before they close."

WOW, talk about hittin' me with it all at once!!
I think my stress level went through the roof.
Ok, I called my husband, frantically explained the dog situation, he said he'd deal with it.
Then I called my doc. The important part of the story.

So the guy I called back was not my surgeon, he was my family doctor (my surgeon was on holidays). He told me that he felt like he should call me to give me some news to have over the holidays, because my next appointment wouldn't be until the 5th of Jan. He told me the path report was very in depth and long and he isn't very comfortable reading them, so not to take his interpretation as gospel. BUT!!!! He said my nodes were clear. That he knew for sure. The only problem? How many nodes were taken, and because of the new lump, did they take those sentinel nodes also? Or ARE those the same sentinel nodes? Questions I will find answers to on the 5th, but on my mind...
Then I said, was the second lump cancerous? He said yes, it looked like it was saying it was cancerous...then he said something unnerving "The problem I am seeing with this report is that usually you will see somewhere the status of the nodes (clear) and then that the margins are clear (meaning the tissue they took out around the lumps was free of cancer) This is important because if everything they remove is cancerous that basically means there is still more cancer in my breast and they would AGAIN have to do another surgery (or maybe at this point a mastectomy). He could not find anywhere on this report that my margins are clear. GREAT.
I asked him if the lump was new or old and he swayed toward the idea of it being written that it seemed new (not good, a lump growing that fast, is extremely rare and means the cancer is ridiculously aggressive) He also told me that it was looking like I have the gene. This means (I think) the BRCA gene meaning I would have a great risk for recurrence in the same or other breast, ultimately meaning a mastectomy in my future.
Now I don't wanna get ahead of myself here....he was giving his "interpretation only" and then from there I placed my interpretations and I am not even close to properly educated so, this could all change come the 5th. But at least I would take the good news into my Xmas holidays with me and wallow in it. Yes, maybe I won't truly know the truth until the 5th but what I do know now ?
"What a fricking day!!"
Absolute chaos.
Wish I was laying on a beach with a margarita.
MEXICO (the light at the end of the tunnel)

HoHoHo...YAY!!!

I love Christmas!! It is Xmas eve and I am over the moon!! My family's tradition is very European and we open the majority of our gifts on Xmas eve while snacking on an array of appy-type foods (instead of a dinner, that's for Xmas day) and wine and hot cider! I don't know, but it is an easy recipe for happiness! I can't wait to see the faces of my children as they open their gifts!
On the cancer-front, I got a call from my family doctor the other day (yesterday I think) and he said though he can't read pathology reports too well (my surgeon is on holiday til the 5th) he wanted to give me a few tidbits of info...
Looks like my lymph nodes are CLEAR of cancer!!!! YAYAYAYAYA! This he knows for sure! The info below (the bad news) he is translating in his own way and may not be gospel.
Looks like my cancer may be a genetic thing (if I have the gene my chances of recurrance at my age is very high)
My second lump was cancer and there didn't seem to be any margins (which means there is probably cancer still in my breast)
All of the "bad news" above is leaning toward me getting a double mastectomy (with reconstruction obviously)
From what I have read, getting a double mastectomy, if I have the gene, would turn my risk of recurrance from 65-85% down to only 5%, which I am more than happy with at this point.
I won't get into details on this any more until I talk to my surgeon to find out if this info is even correct, as my doc even said "don't mark my words"...so Jan5th will be the next cancer update.
But I will fill you in on my festivities from now until then.
Love Love Love
Dreamer.

Christmas Spirit is REAL!

Was having a bad slump of a few days, but today was a GREAT day!
My body seems to be healing well, and today I moved around very well without much pain at all.
I went for a walk with my family and dogs, treated my soul to a mocha (it's a big deal cause with the cancer I am supposed to stop sugar and caffine as much as I can)...
Then we went to town and took the van to the shop to get fixed up for another trip to Alberta (to see family on boxing day)
Then to the mall, and took my husband to the clinic (he has strep :(boo)
Then 2 grocery store stops, one of which was my workplace and I made it about 2 steps in when I was surrounded by co-workers who just threw love at me and worry and care and I loved it. Sometimes I don't, but I think I was needing some love and attention for good energy build up you know? My husband bought me a cute wooden penguin with a santa hat...so cute, named him Walter.
All of this without feeling too bad (a few dizzy spells, nothing major) I actually felt almost normal again.
Then we went on to Nana and Grandad's to have tea and a visit (which is always nice and cozy) when we get a call from my work. My supervisor is asking my father in law if we are going to be at our home tonight, he says yes (without telling them I was there)
When we get home, I am expecting a visit so I tidy up a bit, I already have my makeup on, cause I was out (this is a big deal because I have looked like shit 90% of the last month)
Next thing I know the dogs start barking, Hubby and I run to the patio door, look out and don't see any car lights, but then, I see a herd of people in my driveway!! It's a bunch of people from work and they start singing Xmas carols!!
I couldn't believe it! I open the door, and start laughing and smiling and they sing and sing, and there was people there I didn't even know gave a shit about me...it was crazy!
I invited them all in and (now I think back I didn't even offer them a drink! shit!) they handed me a gift, and we chatted and it was a bit akward having all of that attention on me, but it was amazing and the nicest thing ever done for me. Especially when I opened the gift. I huge wad of bills and a huge stack of gift cards for my grocery store I work at. I won't say how much, but it was ridiculous. This money will save us sooooo many worries the next few months and that is priceless to me. I feel almost guilty though, because I have cursed my job so many times...but they all need to know, it has never been them I have cursed. They are the reason I have stayed so far. They have been my family. This is REAL Christmas spirit.
And though I don't feel worthy, I need the money right now, so instead, I am going to pay it forward someday soon....as soon as I can and as soon as I see when the time is right. And it isn't all about the money anyways...the love is there and the words and actions it blows me away.
I am blessed today.
Thank you.
ahhhh....
Thank you for a good
day.

Cancer Smancer Blog

Can't avoid it now can I? I'd love to blog about a sweet Mexican holiday or winning the lottery, but that won't happen til next year. Right now's reality?
Cancer Smancer.
Drove my usual hour drive to the hospital for my 2 surgery's combined into one. Removal of more tissue (creating a bigger margin) around my lumpectomy site, and a sentinnel lymphnode biopsy. This will tell me the stage of cancer I am at...or if all of the cancer was removed in the lumpectomy.
anywho...
8:00am they put me in a gown and tell me they are going to inject me wit a radio-active dye to locate which nodes are closest to my cancer site. That way they can pull those and test them for spreading before yanking the whole bunch.
Before they inject me they have to ultrasound the cancer area to mark where the lump was removed...because my last surgery was so recent there is still fluid there and they need to mark it to make sure they don't inject that area with radio active dye (sounds pleasant hey?) So I go into this room, my husband waiting out in the hall. There is this really awkward Russian guy about to do my ultra sound...he seems nervous or uncomfortable (kinda funny) anyways this guy soon turns out to be my hero, my fate. As he's scanning my fluid sac area he moves the camera up a little and I look over and I see it. ANOTHER LUMP. I say to him, "It's another lump isn't it?" he says "You do not know of zis lump?" I say " I had a feeling, but no, you and I are the only ones as of this moment."
HOLY SHIT.
Did this lump grow since my last ultra sound (chances are almost nil, though nothings impossible) if so, I'm in trouble,
Did this lump get overlooked at the first ultra sound? (I have been told that the tech isn't allowed to scan more of the breast than my pointed out lump)
Did the surgeon forget or ignore the idea to have all of my breast (an my other breast for that matter) checked for other masses?? CRAZY!!!
The lump measured 1cm, and was about 1-2cm from the original mass. It IS a mass, not a cyst, so fibrodenoma or cancer pretty much.
I freaked and asked everyone to page my surgeon...I needed to tell him so we could make a plan to get it out with the same surgery, the last thing I was going to do was leave there without dealing with it, only to have to come back AGAIN!
Well, it was a long day of waiting, I saw my husband cry (which never happens, he's the "strong one") and I just tried to sleep until it was time to deal with it. Throughout the day I told nurses that I needed my surgeon to get this info, and everyone said "he will, he will" and said they passed the word on....he never came to me.
Finally I was wheeled away from my husband and put in the place I go right before surgery starts, and my surgeon came over.
I was bawling....
HE: "What's wrong? Nervous?"
ME: "Yes, did you hear yet?"
HE: "Hear what?"
ME: "There's another lump, we found it this morning."
HE: "What!?" He then felt around, thought he may have felt it, then went downstairs to look at the ultrasound and came back up.
I couldn't tell if he was stressed or being rude to me, or what but he had a dark demeanor.
He told me "Don't worry, it's close to the other one, we will get it out."
ME: "I just want it all out, all of it, I hate this!"
Then I went in and went to sleep. When I woke, he was there, again, dark...darker even...was he depressed, did he feel bad? Was he mad at me? Was he just tired? Either way it made me feel uneasy.
He quickly just told me that I may get a call over Xmas holidays, but if not, to book in with him in the new year.
NICE, now I get to wait 2 weeks for answers?? And why was he so weird to me? What a mind jerk.
So here I am, in bed, healing. Computing my brains out. I just keep looking at Mexico, and vacation packages I might be able to take once this is over with. A prize at the end of a dark journey so to speak. Here are some quotes I have bonded with.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

Things and the Christmas Spirit

Well, it's almost Christmas, and with it almost being time for my surgery (2 sleeps) and lymphnode biopsy, I am scrambling to get as much done as I can before I am out of commission AGAIN! So because I was in Alberta last week (visiting my fam) I have major to do...I woke up at 5am thins morning feeling ready to take it all on. I felt the need to confront my co-workers as they have been trying to connect with me since this all went down and all I have given them was some facebook time. I was avoiding it because I sometimes feel like a circus freak, and I know everyone wants a piece andI am low key on a good day. Regardless, I convinced my son to come with me and we stopped in. Iam glad I did, now I feel like I can go in there anytime and will be ok. Plus, it prevents them all from stopping by my house (which I just hate) I like my privacy and I never know when I am going to be in a sad place and crying and then DING DONG! Just an overall invasion if you ask me. I did a little juicing today with my new juicer, that was yummy, and I bought some organic cane sugar to do some Xmas baking that I can eat without as much guilt (I found out cancer feeds 98% off of sugar alone)
When I was in Alberta I bought a book called "Beating Cancer with Nutrition" and researched the shit out of what foods and vitamins are best for me and worst. Plus I have a friend who is 2 years ahead of me and had B/C as well before 30 so she fills me in on all the goods...walked my dogs, bought an Xmas tree, decorated it, had a few crys, you know, the usual.
My kids were awesome this year, I don't know if it is because I am seeing things more clearly or what but they seemed so extra stoked on Xmas today. I loved watching them sing to carols on my CD, and crack nuts with the cracker and decorate the tree...etc...it made me happy and it made me scared. I better not be really sick.
So Tuesday is surgery day and I find out whether I have any cancer left, if it had spread and how much (staging of my cancer) So far I am a stage one, grade three (dirty buggers)..everyone seems confident that I will be fine and have no spreading, but I don't trust anyone hunches anymore except my own. Last surgery my doc told me my lump looked benign and to not worry, and now look.
My hunch, you ask? I feel like I will have good news and bad news still to come. With the good out weighing the bad. I guess the bad is that either way, I have to go through chemo and Radiation....and I found out that I may go through early menopause from it all. FUN! Anyways, I am going to lock myself in the land of IPOD (Joshua Radin) and close my eyes and drift. I have one day left to clean and prepare for my big day.
peace, love and dreams of Mexico.
soon.


below, a postcard from postsecret.com
i felt i could relate.

Cancer-mares

3:00 am Alberta time...(I am visiting my sister)

Haven't slept good in days...I keep having dreams about my cancer, treatments, my juicer I bought, ANYTHING to do with it and when I wake up (on average every 30 min) my firt thought is "Oh! It was al a bad dream, I'm fine!" and then I realize it is a reality. boo....

You know, I wanted to make my blog more about Mexico, so that I could focus on it everyday and manifest it better, so that it would happen quicker. Now I am just writing about this illness....but I guess that is because it is a reality in my life, and I would be ignoring it if I didn't write truth. And though I don't write about my Mexican dreams lately, they are even more common as I realize that life is too short to wait on things you love...I am excited to see how this all plays out. Like I say and have said before, if it was psooible to sell our home right now without a MAJOR penalty, we'd be there. I think in the near future, a trip to explore the diffrerent place we want to move to. I am thinking Chelem or Progresso...still close to Merida for work, but nice and small and on the ocean. I really want to explore the other side also, Sayulita and area...there are so many wonderful places, Mexico is so exciting to me and I am going to need a holiday after this...

Mojito, Tropical Flowers, Birds Songs, Soft Sand, Warm Clear Water, Beautiful Mexican People....

I need this calming thought to soothe my stress.

mmmmm......

back to bed.

Blogging Celebrity!!

Oh MY!!!
I started this blog as a diary...I truly thought if you wanted it it accessible to others you had to set up a host or pay a fee or something. I was truly unaware...I wrote it with the intention that I may make it public one day however, but I didn't know it could just SHOW up on the radar, until yesterday!
I was reading Canucka's blog (my fav) and I use her page as my blog surfing portal (I told you I am not computer savvy) and I just about crapped myself! I saw my blog on her blog list...does anyone know how it got there? Is it just when you reach a certain number of posts and it has a keyword (Mexico) it gets posted? Or is it because I follow her blog? ANYWAYS! It was kinda exciting but I sort of freaked out and went back and read my blogs to insure I hadn't insulted anyone or posted something that might get my family upset or myself fired. I then thought to myself, if this is going to be a real blog, I can't sugar coat it. these are my true feelings and everyone has feelings they are afraid of showing. I you read this and judge me then you don't really know me or love me, or accept me for who I really am. And you are in denial because everyone has feelings or thoughts that are dark...they just don't speak them aloud. Plus, now, that this is a cancer blog...if I am to help anyone, I need to be raw and uncensored. So don't read this if you are in denial of true life and raw feelings or if you are highly sensitive. The only big worry I have is that my family...will find the blog, read it, and get upset because they don't know that we are wanting to move to Mexico. I used to live in Alberta Canada and I hated the big city, so we decided to pack up and move to Nelson BC Canada (BEST fricking town in Canada by the way) because my husband was born and raised here and it is full of life and culture and BEAUTY!!! Anyways, my family did not deal well with this move. They take it personally. I LOVE my family, I am so tight with my sister and her daughter, but I cannot live her life , I have to live my own! They will never understand, or if they do, they will always hate it and I will always feel guilt. Plus they don't know I even blog, so I assume they will never find it, and if they do, I will already have moved to my new Mexican home! :)
Well, that's it for now!
Your's truly,
celebrity blogger ;)

So a more detailed description of my day, not because I think you want to read it but because I am up at 1am, wide awake with a shitload on my mind and it would be good therapy to get it out.
ready set go...
I woke up today feeling decent, knowing I had a trip to the doctors this afternoon, but after my surgery he told me twice that he wasn't concerned and my lump looked benign, so after that I have felt fine. I was looking forward to going the hours drive so I could go to a department store that I love, that we don't have here where I live. I decided I would take my daughter, so to treat her to McDonalds, (a novelty we also don't have here, probably for the best!!) and I wanted the company. Normally I would force my husband to take the day off (any excuse) and have him come with me in case it was bad news or whatever, But I was only expecting the doc to look at my scar and say "It's healing well, and you're cancer-free" so, I thought my daughter would be perfect company. I packed up my dogs to walk them before heading out and after a gorgeous (BRISK) walk (I live in Canada, in the mountains) I decided I didn't want to drive the 10 minutes out of my way to drop the dogs back off at home. They could come with, it would be a quick drive back home after my 3:40pm appointment.
Shopped, (found some sweet deals, 3 big bags of loot for $25 CDN) some Xmas gifts, some stuff for me and some threads for my neglected spouse :(
Then it was time for the doc. Rolled in with my 6 year old, dogs are starting to get ancy now but I'll be in and out in no time and a fairly quick drive home...
Go in, sit, daughter plays...
Doc comes out to call us in and seemed weird about my daughter being there, I thought maybe it cause he'd feel weird looking at my breast with her in the room, I told him she was fine to be with us.
I didn't clue in, until he shut the door and said "I was absolutely SHOCKED by your results!" I thought "What does that mean?" but when I remembered him basically telling me my lump was cancer -free (from looking at it) then I knew, he could only be shocked if it WASN'T cancer-free...I said "You're kidding!"
he "No, I am not."
I laughed (and it's a good thing I did because my daughter was in the room and had no idea there was a problem) Anyways, he explained the cancer to me and I kept smiley and cheery for the most part, I don't know why, I think I was scared to cry in front of a stranger, AND my daughter, I was also in shock...so he thought I was ok and said goodbye to me and as I walked out of the office with my daughter in tow, I felt dizzy, and a panicky need to call my husband. I was in a weird town one hour away from my home town and how was I going to drive...all I needed was to talk to someone and tell someone. But I don't own a cellphone. I cancelled it way back because I never used it and hated the idea of people being able to reach me when I didn't want them to....idiot.
I got on the elevator and fought the urge to cry. I got off the elevator and walked into the pharmacy and asked them where the nearest payphone was, because noone was going to let me use their regular phone for long distance!! SHIT!!!!!!
They told me the rink, but I didn't know where that was, I was officially having a nightmare. Stuck in a foreign place, alone in the cold, with my daughter and 2 ancy dogs with no phone and no idea where a phone was and a huge burden on my chest...I couldn't breathe! But I had to , because I had to pretend everything was ok, in front of my daughter. NIGHTMARE!!
Finally I find a 711 store, I tell my kid and dogs to wait in the car and I get out to use the phone. I don't have a calling card so I called collect to my house, no answer. it was 4:30 and my husband gets off at 4:30, so he wouldn't be home til at least 4:45...shit. I called my sister in Alberta collect...it wouldn't work, apparantly her phone doesn't accept collect calls...NOW I am freaking out, and cold to boot! I go into the store, and buy a calling card (everything seemed to be so hard and take SOOOOOOO long, like time stopped) I take the calling card outside and scratch off the pin number area, and SCRATCH THE NUMBER RIGHT OFF!!! Are you KIDDING me!!
Needless to say, it was the WORST day of my life thus far. It was like a bad dream. I finally got a hold of my in-laws to drive to where I was to pick me up and drive me home while I bawled....
the rest was a blur...I told everyone I could as fast as I could (I don't know why, it's just what I felt like I needed to do) my husband hugged me, my kids were fine doing there own thing downstairs ...my mom, who just recovered from breast cancer a year ago, was sweet but sad. So now I have been awake all night, thinking, crying, worrying....

**This post was written on December4th - 1AM, but edited and posted today Dec 5

In the Garden two

Artwork: #101 of 1

Day One

Got up today.
Finished decorating for Xmas.
Walked my dogs.
Picked up my daughter from school.
Drove 1 hour to have a surgeon look at my boob scar.
Found out I have cancer.
Realized not owning a cellphone is ridiculous.
Felt trapped.
Couldn't find payphone.
In weird town.
Can't cry in front of my 6 year old daughter.
Can't call anyone.
Trapped.
Nightmare.

Duh, duh, duh duh......DUHHH!

ALAS!
Tomorrow is the day I get the results from my lumpectomy! I had the surgery on Friday and the doc said when I woke up form my groggy day dream of Mexico...he said that the lump looked benign to hime, but he would test it anyways.. I was so high from the anesthetics that when I woke up I asked the nurse to see the lump. She said "You sure?" I said "Yes.." and she brought over a container with a white, chunky ball (looked like fat tissue) in it. at least I think that really happened, who knows it was all blurry to me. :)
It was scary and painful and all of that, but I am glad it's over with and I am glad after tomorrow I will be able to move on.
Next I will fill you in on my work epiphany and recent confrontations that may get me through the next few years til I reach my goal and get my ass down south where I belong...