I haven't been writing as much as I used to.
The main reason for that is, I haven't been experiencing any new thoughts or feelings.
I didn't want to bother you with repetitive words.
But this blog is not just for you to read, it is, and begun as my personal journal.
Therefore, I will pour out my feelings over and over again until it feels better, even if they are the same feelings for 5 years straight.
I found this girl on the Young Canadian Cancer website.
She had a profile explaining her ordeal with breast cancer at a young age.
I instantly liked her and could relate to her attitude on the disease.
We have emailed a bit since I read her profile and when I was explaining to her the "sometimes lack of enthusiasm" I have for being done treatment, she put it into perfect words for me...
"I think from diagnosis to end of surgery/chemo/rad treatment, i was a soldier and just did what i was told and didn't think about it.. but as soon as they were like "okay, all clear!"
I let myself realize what had happened (cancer) and had a mini freak out.
This is the epitomy of what has been going on in my head.
No offense to my friends and family, but everyone keeps high fiving me like I just got over a flu and now I can be totally normal again, and it just isn't like that.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I can celebrate being done chemo and that, but in general the fear is still real, my body has been beat down....(did you know, I could barely carry my groceries in the other day? And at the relay, I couldn't walk for longer that 30 min at a time??)
This disease had affected me, it has taken it's toll on my body and my mind. It has changed me forever.
I know it's a lot easier for my peers to deal with it by just pretending it's over with (like "thank god, now we can just go back to normal, that was akward!) but the reality is the post traumatic stress from cancer has been referred to as being a significant as someone who has been to war or raped.
Now I am not saying what I have been through is as bad as that. I have never experienced either. What I think this doctor was getting at is that, if you pluck a soldier out of war and his violent horrific surroundings and bring him home, it doesn't mean he is going to be back to normal.
What he experienced is real. He will have emotional scars from fear and trauma. He will have physical scars from the battle. He will forever be changed.
It will take time for me to feel fully like myself again. Maybe I will never feel the same as I did pre-cancer. Maybe that's a good thing, because for the most part, I feel like I have become a better person from it.
But sometimes, I just want to feel normal again.
The main reason for that is, I haven't been experiencing any new thoughts or feelings.
I didn't want to bother you with repetitive words.
But this blog is not just for you to read, it is, and begun as my personal journal.
Therefore, I will pour out my feelings over and over again until it feels better, even if they are the same feelings for 5 years straight.
I found this girl on the Young Canadian Cancer website.
She had a profile explaining her ordeal with breast cancer at a young age.
I instantly liked her and could relate to her attitude on the disease.
We have emailed a bit since I read her profile and when I was explaining to her the "sometimes lack of enthusiasm" I have for being done treatment, she put it into perfect words for me...
"I think from diagnosis to end of surgery/chemo/rad treatment, i was a soldier and just did what i was told and didn't think about it.. but as soon as they were like "okay, all clear!"
I let myself realize what had happened (cancer) and had a mini freak out.
This is the epitomy of what has been going on in my head.
No offense to my friends and family, but everyone keeps high fiving me like I just got over a flu and now I can be totally normal again, and it just isn't like that.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I can celebrate being done chemo and that, but in general the fear is still real, my body has been beat down....(did you know, I could barely carry my groceries in the other day? And at the relay, I couldn't walk for longer that 30 min at a time??)
This disease had affected me, it has taken it's toll on my body and my mind. It has changed me forever.
I know it's a lot easier for my peers to deal with it by just pretending it's over with (like "thank god, now we can just go back to normal, that was akward!) but the reality is the post traumatic stress from cancer has been referred to as being a significant as someone who has been to war or raped.
Now I am not saying what I have been through is as bad as that. I have never experienced either. What I think this doctor was getting at is that, if you pluck a soldier out of war and his violent horrific surroundings and bring him home, it doesn't mean he is going to be back to normal.
What he experienced is real. He will have emotional scars from fear and trauma. He will have physical scars from the battle. He will forever be changed.
It will take time for me to feel fully like myself again. Maybe I will never feel the same as I did pre-cancer. Maybe that's a good thing, because for the most part, I feel like I have become a better person from it.
But sometimes, I just want to feel normal again.
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