This past 8 months has really compared to a roller coaster ride of emotions for me (and I am sure all those around me as well).
Since my last chemo, I think my brain and heart don't know what to feel.
Initially I didn't feel any different...but lately it has felt frickin marvelous when I am doing things like cleaning up and come across my ENORMOUS bag of meds...and realize I can put it away, I could even throw it out if I wanted to, because I won't be needing it again.
Same with my needles....I can't wait to take the bucket FULL of needles back into the hospital for good to have them dispose of them. I actually want to light them on fire. That would feel best!
Then I would stop and think about my surgery, and I would get a wave of panic...I don't know why...loss of control I guess, fear of the unknown.
Pain, blood, all of that.
Until a lovely woman contacted me yesterday. She is a local woman who has had the exact same surgery as I will. She told me her story and eased about 40% of my fears.
She said her cesarean scar was worse than her scar on her belly from this surgery.
She said her body looks amazing, her breasts look nice and real, and she has washboard abs.
She said there wasn't any pain in the hospital, they masked it all from the get go!
All of this was a relief to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Now I just need to be sure I can walk in there calmly as they say if you are tense going under, you wake up more sore.
I am ready. I am ready for this to be over with. I can't wait to wake up and know the worst is over. What a feeling of accomplishment that is.
Speaking of other feelings...
Last night I began reading a new blog. An amazing blog of a man's battle with brain cancer. He wrote entries up until he couldn't even speak and he could only write. It was AMAZING and very emotional.
But of course reading something like that brings in a few fears of..."What if the chemo didn't get all of the cancer....Why did they do chemo before surgery, isn't that only for extrememly aggressive cases?.....Do I truly understand the potential of my cancer?....Should I be more worried about dying?"
All of those things. I especially worry about what they may find when they do my mastectomy.
How much , or is there any cancer left?
I guess I just have to listen to my heart.
My heart tells me I will be ok.
Because, even if it won't be ok, there is nothing more I can do about it. I certainly wouldn't waste time wallowing over something I can't control. I have too much to do and too much fun to have!
So I will wait, because the roller coaster ride is almost done and I am getting ready to get off.
Since my last chemo, I think my brain and heart don't know what to feel.
Initially I didn't feel any different...but lately it has felt frickin marvelous when I am doing things like cleaning up and come across my ENORMOUS bag of meds...and realize I can put it away, I could even throw it out if I wanted to, because I won't be needing it again.
Same with my needles....I can't wait to take the bucket FULL of needles back into the hospital for good to have them dispose of them. I actually want to light them on fire. That would feel best!
Then I would stop and think about my surgery, and I would get a wave of panic...I don't know why...loss of control I guess, fear of the unknown.
Pain, blood, all of that.
Until a lovely woman contacted me yesterday. She is a local woman who has had the exact same surgery as I will. She told me her story and eased about 40% of my fears.
She said her cesarean scar was worse than her scar on her belly from this surgery.
She said her body looks amazing, her breasts look nice and real, and she has washboard abs.
She said there wasn't any pain in the hospital, they masked it all from the get go!
All of this was a relief to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Now I just need to be sure I can walk in there calmly as they say if you are tense going under, you wake up more sore.
I am ready. I am ready for this to be over with. I can't wait to wake up and know the worst is over. What a feeling of accomplishment that is.
Speaking of other feelings...
Last night I began reading a new blog. An amazing blog of a man's battle with brain cancer. He wrote entries up until he couldn't even speak and he could only write. It was AMAZING and very emotional.
But of course reading something like that brings in a few fears of..."What if the chemo didn't get all of the cancer....Why did they do chemo before surgery, isn't that only for extrememly aggressive cases?.....Do I truly understand the potential of my cancer?....Should I be more worried about dying?"
All of those things. I especially worry about what they may find when they do my mastectomy.
How much , or is there any cancer left?
I guess I just have to listen to my heart.
My heart tells me I will be ok.
Because, even if it won't be ok, there is nothing more I can do about it. I certainly wouldn't waste time wallowing over something I can't control. I have too much to do and too much fun to have!
So I will wait, because the roller coaster ride is almost done and I am getting ready to get off.
No comments:
Post a Comment