The drive from Nelson to Kelowna is 4hrs.
I spent about 95% of that time thinking about my surgery.
It is starting to become obsessive.
I worry and feel sick about it and then I calm myself down and reason with myself...
back and forth
back and forth
for hours, days and WEEKS now.
It can't be good for me,
in fact, I am exhausted after a day of that.
Sometimes, I don't even know what I am afraid of.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is the amount of time I will be under.
That is freaky to me.
Not sure why, I think a loss of control?
But that seems to be what sets me off, is when I think of 7hrs, 8hrs, or I have even most recently been told (thanks for telling me) 10 hrs!
When I am reasoning with myself, I try to tell myself, "People do this everyday, for vanity! They sign up and pay for this....you can do it."
or I try this approach "There are people that would kill to have this done, people with terminal cancer that have no choice to have surgery because surgery won't help, feel blessed you can take this step to heal your body."
or "Be happy and celebrate this surgery, it is your last step in this journey, this is closure!!"
All of these thoughts help temporarily, but somehow the fear sneaks back in.
When we got into Kelowna for my Pre-Screening appointment, we went to Chapters.
There I found a book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life."
It talks about how certain deficiencies in your brain can cause anxiety, obessesions, depression and so forth. He then gives exercises on how to fix these problems.
I hope to finish reading the book today while I am receiving my Herceptin IV.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was first sent to get an ECG (eco-cardio-gram?) for my heart.
Easy Peasy, done it a million times, no pain, just lay there with wires attached to you for a minute...
Next I was sent to get blood work. CBC they call it, where they check my counts of everything, white blood cells, red blood cells, hemoglobin and so on....
When the girl was done taking my blood, she put a bracelet on me and said "Don't take this off until after surgery is over and you are discharged."
I said "Oh, no I am not having surgery for 2 more weeks!"
and she said " I know, you have to wear it until then."
So now I am officially sporting a number 92957!! (just another daily reminder of my surgery to come)
Next I went into the Pre-surgical Screening area and waited for a bit.
There were 3 nuns sitiing there beside us. One of them was going to be having surgery.
I thought to myself "I bet she doesn't have fear with stuff like this, because she has such a strong connection with God, if she can be at peace, I can too, it's all in my heart and my head."
When it was my turn, I was weighed (YIKES!!!!!!!) and my height was measured. Then I went into a cubicle with my husband and a nurse and she began asking me questions....
"Have you ever had a stroke, do you have false teeth, do you agree to a blood transfusion if necessary..." that last question kind of took my breath away until the Anesthetist came in and told me that there is pretty much 100% chance I will have to have a blood transfusion during my surgery.
I am not grossed out by this necessarily, however, it sure highlights the intensity of this kind of surgery. "Mrs. Simpson, you are going to be cut open for so long that you will bleed out so much that we will have to fill you with some random persons blood to keep you alive."
I mean, that's really what they are saying....
But! I am glad they have the means to keep my heart pumpin'...
This same guy also loved to tell me how long my surgery was going to be...
"Wow, so this is a REALLY long surgery, it is very serious..." and then he looked at me like I had a fricking choice, like I am crazy for signing up for such a thing....not really the peace of mind I was hoping for.
But in general, he was very nice. He kept telling me I had the best surgeons, and how phenominal they both are. That was reassuring. The other bad news he gave me was that I am not to take an Adivan before I come in on the day of my surgery...(my only saving grace)
How on earth was I to stay calm (and not throw up everywhere) without an Adivan. I need a bloody Adivan just THINKING about my surgery!!
So this is something I am going to have to work on from now until then, meditation, breathing exercises and so on....(this just got harder)
All in all the trip was fine. On the way home, I broke down and sobbed like crazy for a good 30 min. I had a lot to release...it felt good to let it out. Then I slept, all of this fear is extremely emotionally exhausting.
The day after we returned, I woke up to a phone call.
It was the Kelowna hospital, apparently the anesthetist looked at my blood work and my counts were too low for surgery. I knew they would be, it was only 3 weeks since my last chemo. They told me that I would go into my hospital next week and have my CBC redone. If my counts weren't up at that point, they may have to postpone the surgery.
Minutes after I hung up with that call, I received another from my plastic surgeon.
They told me they were moving my surgery back a week from the 23rd to the 30th.
They said they can't take any chances and it is just safer to give my body that extra week.
So here I am, 3 weeks til surgery, keep riding the rollercoaster.
More time to work on wrapping my head around it all.
Though, right now, as I type this, I am looking forward to getting it over with. I feel like if right now, they called me in to have it done, I could do it.
Now I just need to find that mental strength everytime I think of my surgery.
I spent about 95% of that time thinking about my surgery.
It is starting to become obsessive.
I worry and feel sick about it and then I calm myself down and reason with myself...
back and forth
back and forth
for hours, days and WEEKS now.
It can't be good for me,
in fact, I am exhausted after a day of that.
Sometimes, I don't even know what I am afraid of.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is the amount of time I will be under.
That is freaky to me.
Not sure why, I think a loss of control?
But that seems to be what sets me off, is when I think of 7hrs, 8hrs, or I have even most recently been told (thanks for telling me) 10 hrs!
When I am reasoning with myself, I try to tell myself, "People do this everyday, for vanity! They sign up and pay for this....you can do it."
or I try this approach "There are people that would kill to have this done, people with terminal cancer that have no choice to have surgery because surgery won't help, feel blessed you can take this step to heal your body."
or "Be happy and celebrate this surgery, it is your last step in this journey, this is closure!!"
All of these thoughts help temporarily, but somehow the fear sneaks back in.
When we got into Kelowna for my Pre-Screening appointment, we went to Chapters.
There I found a book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life."
It talks about how certain deficiencies in your brain can cause anxiety, obessesions, depression and so forth. He then gives exercises on how to fix these problems.
I hope to finish reading the book today while I am receiving my Herceptin IV.
When I arrived at the hospital, I was first sent to get an ECG (eco-cardio-gram?) for my heart.
Easy Peasy, done it a million times, no pain, just lay there with wires attached to you for a minute...
Next I was sent to get blood work. CBC they call it, where they check my counts of everything, white blood cells, red blood cells, hemoglobin and so on....
When the girl was done taking my blood, she put a bracelet on me and said "Don't take this off until after surgery is over and you are discharged."
I said "Oh, no I am not having surgery for 2 more weeks!"
and she said " I know, you have to wear it until then."
So now I am officially sporting a number 92957!! (just another daily reminder of my surgery to come)
Next I went into the Pre-surgical Screening area and waited for a bit.
There were 3 nuns sitiing there beside us. One of them was going to be having surgery.
I thought to myself "I bet she doesn't have fear with stuff like this, because she has such a strong connection with God, if she can be at peace, I can too, it's all in my heart and my head."
When it was my turn, I was weighed (YIKES!!!!!!!) and my height was measured. Then I went into a cubicle with my husband and a nurse and she began asking me questions....
"Have you ever had a stroke, do you have false teeth, do you agree to a blood transfusion if necessary..." that last question kind of took my breath away until the Anesthetist came in and told me that there is pretty much 100% chance I will have to have a blood transfusion during my surgery.
I am not grossed out by this necessarily, however, it sure highlights the intensity of this kind of surgery. "Mrs. Simpson, you are going to be cut open for so long that you will bleed out so much that we will have to fill you with some random persons blood to keep you alive."
I mean, that's really what they are saying....
But! I am glad they have the means to keep my heart pumpin'...
This same guy also loved to tell me how long my surgery was going to be...
"Wow, so this is a REALLY long surgery, it is very serious..." and then he looked at me like I had a fricking choice, like I am crazy for signing up for such a thing....not really the peace of mind I was hoping for.
But in general, he was very nice. He kept telling me I had the best surgeons, and how phenominal they both are. That was reassuring. The other bad news he gave me was that I am not to take an Adivan before I come in on the day of my surgery...(my only saving grace)
How on earth was I to stay calm (and not throw up everywhere) without an Adivan. I need a bloody Adivan just THINKING about my surgery!!
So this is something I am going to have to work on from now until then, meditation, breathing exercises and so on....(this just got harder)
All in all the trip was fine. On the way home, I broke down and sobbed like crazy for a good 30 min. I had a lot to release...it felt good to let it out. Then I slept, all of this fear is extremely emotionally exhausting.
The day after we returned, I woke up to a phone call.
It was the Kelowna hospital, apparently the anesthetist looked at my blood work and my counts were too low for surgery. I knew they would be, it was only 3 weeks since my last chemo. They told me that I would go into my hospital next week and have my CBC redone. If my counts weren't up at that point, they may have to postpone the surgery.
Minutes after I hung up with that call, I received another from my plastic surgeon.
They told me they were moving my surgery back a week from the 23rd to the 30th.
They said they can't take any chances and it is just safer to give my body that extra week.
So here I am, 3 weeks til surgery, keep riding the rollercoaster.
More time to work on wrapping my head around it all.
Though, right now, as I type this, I am looking forward to getting it over with. I feel like if right now, they called me in to have it done, I could do it.
Now I just need to find that mental strength everytime I think of my surgery.
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