Dream Creator

Dream Creator
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Just a small town Canadian dreamer... This started as the diary of a young woman's experience with breast cancer and continues 5 years later as the diary of a woman, like many other, who has decided to take her lemons and make lemonade. **If reading this blog for the purpose of learning about my breast cancer experience, PLEASE START AT THE OLDEST POST (October 2009) AND WORK YOUR WAY FORWARD**

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I have been hesitating on writing any posts.
I am finding that quite often when I post it is because I am having negative feelings.
Usually you don't write about the good stuff, because you are out celebrating and living it.
But I am sitting awake, teary eyed, and I think I need to release in order to sleep.
I found a lump a few weeks ago.
Don't be alarmed, it's probably nothing.
It feels softer and different than my original one....
I felt it one night a few weeks ago and stressed over it and then the next morning I couldn't really feel it again.
So I left it alone.
But I felt it again tonight.
And it seems obvious that there is something there that is different han the other breast.
Who knows when you have had the kind of surgery I have had (Tram) there are all sorts of abnormalities....but nonetheless, I will get it checked ASAP.

How has life been lately?
Well, generally, it's great! Kerry has his new job.
My salon is busy and the kids are great!
But in a way things are tough.
My hormones are all messed up from my hysterectomy in September and I am on hormone replacement in order to balance them out.
I am having menopausal symptoms such as hot flushes (galore) and night sweats....some mood stuff and weight gain.
I also have anxiety.
I have been eating to soothe my anxiety and depression....not that I am always depressed....but I am dealing with some sadness from the traumatic events that I went through the last few years....and it's hard.
Plus I am afraid of recurrence.
What will I do?
What will I do if it comes back?

Another beef I have lately is the fact that enough time has past since my cancer, that everyone expects life is fully back to normal.
Like, I should be functioning as I did pre-cancer...
Well, I will never be the same.
I work a fraction of the amount I used to "pre-cancer" and I am 10x more exhausted.
I need more sleep.
My memory is shot.
I get overwhelmed easier...
And when I start to feel like I am overdoing it (which comes much sooner than ever before) I try to slow things down a bit.
And I feel like I am being judged.
I feel like I am being looked at like I am lazy and using my cancer for an excuse.
I am SO not.
I WISH I could be "pre-cancer" Megan.
But I never will be.
I am different.
My body is different.
And I need to treat is as such.

I am off to bed now.
Please no calls or emails based on this post.
Just allow me to vent.
I will post when I know what is going on with my lump...
as soon as I know.
I just ask that you respect my right to journal this without bombarding us with questions and comments for now.
Like I said,
it's probably nothing.
It's probably just anxiety.

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