All good!

SO SORRY I haven't updated sooner! My computers (yes both of them) and my iphone are all virus ridden and glitched.

It takes me 10x the time to do anything on them compared to a normal person on a working computer!

Anyway I needed to update you that my ultrasound was fine. No cancer here! My lump is just scar tissue, so that is great news!

I have much more great news to share and will do so soon....



Not worried

I went to the doctor to check my lump.

My regular doctor wasn't available but there was a great fill in.

She is very sure it isn't anything to worry about but will still send me for an ultrasound.

I'm off for a 10 day holiday, so I will go in on the 30th to check it out.

My gut says I'm ok.

I just launched a fundraiser (online silent auction) for a breast cancer friend.

Only a few days in we are up to about $800 in funds raised and plenty more to go!

I always get a high off of helping others....

Kerry and I are in talks about starting our cancer support group this fall and possibly hosting a movie screening for Wrong Way To Hope ( a young adult cancer film made by our good friends...)

More to come!

xoxo



I have been hesitating on writing any posts.

I am finding that quite often when I post it is because I am having negative feelings.

Usually you don't write about the good stuff, because you are out celebrating and living it.

But I am sitting awake, teary eyed, and I think I need to release in order to sleep.

I found a lump a few weeks ago.

Don't be alarmed, it's probably nothing.

It feels softer and different than my original one....

I felt it one night a few weeks ago and stressed over it and then the next morning I couldn't really feel it again.

So I left it alone.

But I felt it again tonight.

And it seems obvious that there is something there that is different han the other breast.

Who knows when you have had the kind of surgery I have had (Tram) there are all sorts of abnormalities....but nonetheless, I will get it checked ASAP.

How has life been lately?

Well, generally, it's great! Kerry has his new job.

My salon is busy and the kids are great!

But in a way things are tough.

My hormones are all messed up from my hysterectomy in September and I am on hormone replacement in order to balance them out.

I am having menopausal symptoms such as hot flushes (galore) and night sweats....some mood stuff and weight gain.

I also have anxiety.

I have been eating to soothe my anxiety and depression....not that I am always depressed....but I am dealing with some sadness from the traumatic events that I went through the last few years....and it's hard.

Plus I am afraid of recurrence.

What will I do?

What will I do if it comes back?

Another beef I have lately is the fact that enough time has past since my cancer, that everyone expects life is fully back to normal.

Like, I should be functioning as I did pre-cancer...

Well, I will never be the same.

I work a fraction of the amount I used to "pre-cancer" and I am 10x more exhausted.

I need more sleep.

My memory is shot.

I get overwhelmed easier...

And when I start to feel like I am overdoing it (which comes much sooner than ever before) I try to slow things down a bit.

And I feel like I am being judged.

I feel like I am being looked at like I am lazy and using my cancer for an excuse.

I am SO not.

I WISH I could be "pre-cancer" Megan.

But I never will be.

I am different.

My body is different.

And I need to treat is as such.

I am off to bed now.

Please no calls or emails based on this post.

Just allow me to vent.

I will post when I know what is going on with my lump...

as soon as I know.

I just ask that you respect my right to journal this without bombarding us with questions and comments for now.

Like I said,

it's probably nothing.

It's probably just anxiety.



Presto Manifesto!

well,
the one about praying for Kerry to land a new job....?
Came true only weeks after that post.
Kerry will be starting a new position in a few months where he will be taking over a local investment office here in Nelson.
A well established gig....
Let's just say a nice big promotion.
We are so grateful.
He worked so hard for this and deserves the opportunity.
I guess God agrees.
For the next few months he's just freshening up on his skills, but we patiently await.
On the note of my "stressful" job?
Well, days after that post, I was told I needn't come back to the college full time after that Xmas break....and so even though I was sad thinking of missing my girls,
I was also greatly relieved.
One job.
1/2 the stress
0 of the politics
Oh to be one's own boss...:)
Things are quite grand.


The only complaint right now in my life is a few people who are taking advantage of me.
My heart is actually heavy with disappointment of how some people can just really put themselves first and not even consider others involved in a situation.
I try to do a favor and I get shafted.
Give an inch, they take a mile...
Wolves in Sheeps clothing...
You should be ashamed.
Truly.
It's not fair.

Cancer Knowledge Network

Coping and Cancer

http://multimed.current-oncology.com/patients/page/2/

I AM still writing...

I am still writing regularily...
Just not always in Blog form.
It's hard to speak truths when so many are reading.
Here is a piece I wrote that was featured on a medical website recently:

http://multimed.current-oncology.com/patients/cancerful-friends/

My date with 2012

2012
It's gotta be a good one.
I have been slugging thru my life lately.
Not really enjoying much.
I guess on the surface level, it's ok, but those under layers?
They are hardened and sad and worried.
Compromised majorly.

I am sick of being sad.
I am sick of having bad news all of the time.
I feel like Pig Pen from Peanuts, followed by a dark mass of filth, everywhere I go.
.
I have been having regular panic attacks.
Actual panic attacks lately.
I think the post traumatic stress has caught up and has been amplifyed by the recent deaths, and diagnosis' around me.
Not to mention uneccesary struggles and stresses in my job.
It's weighing.

It's making it hard to live, like actually LIVE!
I don't remember the last time I had a moment of clarity.
Smelled nature.
Noticed the details.
That's a sad thing.
But when your in the quick sand, it's hard to get out.

My last panic attack felt like I couldn't breath, and like my skin was crawling.
It took me back to my chemo days, and the same feeling then.
I had to get Kerry to stop the truck and let me out, but what do you do then?
You don't puke for relief,
You don't scream...it won't help,
scratch? no.
Hide? doesn't work.
Really it's an awful feeling.
It's especially awful when you are healthy, and should be happy and functioning normal.
But I guess it's a body's way of dealing with the build up of stresses in one's life.
My load is so heavy I can hardly hold it anymore.

The other day I wrote: My plate is too full. Please do not try to put anything else on it. It will break.

And my friend (quite cleverly) wrote back: You need one of those kids plates, with the seperators for the different things...it won't lessen the amount of food, but it will make it more managable.

I liked that.

I guess that is my focus for 2012.
Praying for financial security (Kerry to land a solid, well paying job once-and-for-all) so that I can take care of me.
Not work too much,
So I can take care of me.
More time with myself, my kids, my family in Calgary.

Organize my plate.
Organize my many plates.
So I can see clearly again....
I need to clean up this mess and clear the fog.
Get back to what matters.
I am grateful I know what that is at least.