Uncomfortable, displaced, itchy, crawly, anxious, bummed, worried, eager, out of sorts.
That should sum it up.
I haven't been feeling right lately...
not sure why.
I am guessing SAD, as it has been a LONG winter and I have been laking vitamin D.
But maybe it's post traumatic disorder from my ordeal last year...it could be that.
Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is reliving our nightmare and has cancer again and maybe I am just defeated and beat down from all the bad news...
Maybe it's the fact that I am tired, from working to hard juggling two jobs.
It could be the guilt that is blanketing me...the guilt from being back to my old self, my pre-cancer self...from the fact that I consume sugar again, I work hard again, I haven't been meditating, I think bad thoughts about people....
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
I can't take it anymore.
It's like I died and crossed over for 9 months last year.
I had a 9 month epiphany when I didn't know if I was going to live or die, I became a good person, I wore the cancer goggles and saw the beauty in anything and everything and became the perfect human....I guess it was in order to prove to god that I deserved to live.
I was good at it, it came natural to me.
I was everything I always wanted to be.
And now I just feel like I am slipping back.
But is it possible to live in epiphany for a lifetime?
Or was it meant to be temporary and just stay as a clear memory...a place to retreat to when I need to reflect and prioritize....?
Who knows.
But I feel foggy and I feel tired, and the cancer nightmare is too close for comfort.
I thought it would be gone, but it isn't my choice.
The cancer experience is an unwelcome house guest that stays until IT's ready to leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I should just be grateful I am healthy, and start enjoying my life a bit more...
easier said than done.
I am worn out, beaten up and bruised.
Til when?
who knows.
That should sum it up.
I haven't been feeling right lately...
not sure why.
I am guessing SAD, as it has been a LONG winter and I have been laking vitamin D.
But maybe it's post traumatic disorder from my ordeal last year...it could be that.
Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is reliving our nightmare and has cancer again and maybe I am just defeated and beat down from all the bad news...
Maybe it's the fact that I am tired, from working to hard juggling two jobs.
It could be the guilt that is blanketing me...the guilt from being back to my old self, my pre-cancer self...from the fact that I consume sugar again, I work hard again, I haven't been meditating, I think bad thoughts about people....
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
I can't take it anymore.
It's like I died and crossed over for 9 months last year.
I had a 9 month epiphany when I didn't know if I was going to live or die, I became a good person, I wore the cancer goggles and saw the beauty in anything and everything and became the perfect human....I guess it was in order to prove to god that I deserved to live.
I was good at it, it came natural to me.
I was everything I always wanted to be.
And now I just feel like I am slipping back.
But is it possible to live in epiphany for a lifetime?
Or was it meant to be temporary and just stay as a clear memory...a place to retreat to when I need to reflect and prioritize....?
Who knows.
But I feel foggy and I feel tired, and the cancer nightmare is too close for comfort.
I thought it would be gone, but it isn't my choice.
The cancer experience is an unwelcome house guest that stays until IT's ready to leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I should just be grateful I am healthy, and start enjoying my life a bit more...
easier said than done.
I am worn out, beaten up and bruised.
Til when?
who knows.
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