done.

So I am done treatment.
I quit Herceptin on round 13 of 17...
I started having funky heart palpatations a while back...they got worse and worse.
My doc was screening me and i was getting my usual heart ultrasounds and nothing showed any problems...but with the relationship history between herceptin and heart failure, I was unnerved.
Something just told me it was time to quit.
Maybe it was the day I almost fainted in my kitchen a few weeks back, because my heart stopped beating (or so it felt like anyway).
Either way, I went in for my last treatment and when Doc came to check me out before pumping the drugs into my IV, I told him, I was thinking maybe I should quit.
My heart was getting funkier by the day and it was freaking me out.
We agreed because I am not really (technically) HER2 positive (I am borderline) and because I had done so may treatments, it wouldn't be unheard of to quit a bit early.
Doc wanted to send me home and have me run a bunch more tests before making my decision. He probably hoped that I would test fine and continue thru the rest of my sessions...but I decided to cut the ties.
It felt right.
I'm done.
I'm done with tests and needles and toxic drug treatments and missing out on life to get treatments...
done!
That is until this summer when I have to get my hysterectomy...and go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy)
it never does end does it!!
:)
It's ok, I am on my way....still taking it one day at a time.

What's Wrong with me?

Uncomfortable, displaced, itchy, crawly, anxious, bummed, worried, eager, out of sorts.
That should sum it up.

I haven't been feeling right lately...
not sure why.
I am guessing SAD, as it has been a LONG winter and I have been laking vitamin D.
But maybe it's post traumatic disorder from my ordeal last year...it could be that.
Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is reliving our nightmare and has cancer again and maybe I am just defeated and beat down from all the bad news...
Maybe it's the fact that I am tired, from working to hard juggling two jobs.
It could be the guilt that is blanketing me...the guilt from being back to my old self, my pre-cancer self...from the fact that I consume sugar again, I work hard again, I haven't been meditating, I think bad thoughts about people....
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
I can't take it anymore.
It's like I died and crossed over for 9 months last year.
I had a 9 month epiphany when I didn't know if I was going to live or die, I became a good person, I wore the cancer goggles and saw the beauty in anything and everything and became the perfect human....I guess it was in order to prove to god that I deserved to live.
I was good at it, it came natural to me.
I was everything I always wanted to be.
And now I just feel like I am slipping back.
But is it possible to live in epiphany for a lifetime?
Or was it meant to be temporary and just stay as a clear memory...a place to retreat to when I need to reflect and prioritize....?
Who knows.
But I feel foggy and I feel tired, and the cancer nightmare is too close for comfort.
I thought it would be gone, but it isn't my choice.
The cancer experience is an unwelcome house guest that stays until IT's ready to leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I should just be grateful I am healthy, and start enjoying my life a bit more...
easier said than done.
I am worn out, beaten up and bruised.
Til when?
who knows.