Recurrence

You can only play Denial Hide and Seek for so long until
The Truths find you again...
crawl up under your skin and strike up the goosebumps
the fears,
the possible truths.
You are NOT normal.
You are NEVER safe.
You are ALWAYS at risk.
Don't let your guard down.
don't dress up and play pretend.
you are different.
you always need to be on guard.
this is your life.

Livin' the dream!

May 19th was the last chemo I had...one year ago.
Big things have happened in my life since!
Things are good.
Very good.
My heart is better. I went off caffiene and I have only had a few thumps here and there. Nothing major.
I still haven't had time to see my doctor about my test results. To see if I have thyroid issues. However, seeing as the palps have stopped, I assume I'm good.
Yes. I repeat, life has been busy.
And seeing as I related my chaotic previous life to my previous diagnosis of cancer...I feel a little nervous these days.
I have been having weird periods too.
Short, light ones that only really last about 2 days.
This is abnormal for me who always had regular 6 day heavier periods.
Not sure if it's because the chemo had had an affect on my system or not, but they just recently started changing, a while after chemo...hmmm...not sure.
I have also had a few weird tinges and aches coming from what I would assume would be my ovary. Usually my right one.
Now I am almost certain it is nothing and I am noticing it more because of my obvious risk for ovarian cancer...but I still feel it and it's a bit unnerving.
Originally I had planned on having my hysterectomy in June, but I have changed my mind.
I want to enjoy some of my summer so I am going to have the surgery early September.
It was a LONG winter and now that the sun is out, I want to soak it up and LIVE!!
College will be done soon, so that means I will only have ONE job soon and have more free time to relax and fish and camp and just be.
Just be...something I put off for far too long this year.
Something I will try to never put off again.
Though I don't regret my taking on of the teaching job (it has been one of the best things I have ever done) it was hard on me and after what I have been through, I maybe shouldn't have gone there and loaded my plate so full.
Live and learn.
Having my own hair studio now is proving to be FANTASTIC!
I am super busy with clients and walk-ins and loving my own space.
Being my creative me, in my own way, on my own time...the definition of success? When you can't tell the difference between work and play.
Still working on the finishing touches but it seems like it will be a great success!
I am proud of it.
I still think about my cancer....I still talk about it from time to time and I still share my story when the time is right or just when I feel like I want to talk about it.
It is becoming more rare as time goes on.
But it will always have it's mark on me. It has shaped who I am today.
In good ways and bad.

All in all?
Living the dream and loving it.

thump.thump....THUMP...thump.

Spent 4 hours in the Emergency Room last night at our hospital.
I checked myself in at 6pm after my heart palpitations started getting progressively worse and I almost fainted AGAIN yesterday for the 5th time in the last few months.
I don't know when my heart palps really started...I guess it was about a year before I was diagnosed with cancer. I would have one or two thumps here or there and just chalked it up to the 15 cups of coffee I was drinking back then, or the stressful life I was leading.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I stopped drinking coffee almost altogether. Once in a while I enjoy a latte here or there but nothing regular.
Then I started Herceptin. In July of 2010 I started Herceptin and I think one of the only side effects is heart function loss, heart failure and/or heart palps.
In September I started working part time again. I started doing hair about 4 days a week at a quiet little salon....things started getting busier.
In October Selkirk College called me and asked me to take a full time temporary instructing job, teaching hair in the cosmetology department.
I had to take it, chance of a life time!
But, because it wasn't permanent it meant me having to keep my hand in the other pot...juggling both my clientele I was just starting to build, and my new instructing job...sometimes working 6 days a week or at least a few 10-12 hour days to juggle it all. Not to mention a family on top of it!
In March I was presented the opportunity to open my own little hair salon.
I knew the owner of my current salon has been looking to sell off and on and I knew I didn't have much stability by staying there (my life stable? HA!) so I needed to solidify a small, affordable place that I KNEW I could afford long term and work when I wanted, how I wanted without any conflicts around me and grow as a stylist once college was out.
I have always had my own little studios in my home in Calgary and I even had a successful little commercial salon there as well which proved to be a great asset when I sold it. Other than living in Calgary, it was the most fulfilled I have ever been in my career.
I had to take the project of opening my own space while the opportunity was available to me.
So here I am.
My life is busy, YES.
I am happy, YES YES!
But in November I started losing a noticeable amount of weight and having heart palps.
I had tests done to see if there was anything serious going on with my heart, but they would either not see anything wrong OR I would have a palp-free day on the days they tested.
In January, I had lost even more weight and my palpitations continued...I almost fainted twice this month from my irregular heart beats.
March rolled around and I decided to quit my HERCEPTIN on round 13 out of 17 (4 short if you can't do the math) in somewhat of agreeance with my doctor.
The heart palps stopped, for about 2 weeks.
I did start having lattes a bit more regularly and the odd glass of coke as well....
Last week the thumps came on meaner than ever and I have been exhausted.
A day of your heart skipping beats and thumping and feeling dizzy takes it's toll on you...by the end of the day I would be exhausted.
Yesterday I went to a hair cutting class in Castlegar and right after lunch I started getting mad thumps in my chest. I almost fainted a handful of times and had to sit down and excuse myself to go to the washroom.
I decided to check myself in to the ER last night and was immediatley hooked up to a monitor. I was glad to be there. Finally they could see what I was feeling, while the thumps were happening.
The diagnosis?
Well the funny little doctor that was on call says they are PVC's. Normal irregular heartbeats cause by an irritation to my heart...cause by who knows? Caffeine, Stress...Herceptin? Yes, I still drink tea and the odd coffee and coke, Yes, I have some stress in my life and I am a busy girl...Maybe the Herceptin is still in my system? I am not really sure when it flushes itself out...
My only worry is that it could be something more serious.
The funny, little doctor said that "Unless the palps are happening in long runs and causing me to faint, they are nothing uncommon."
Well, I explained to him they have almost made me faint several times. And that they happen in runs of about 4 in a row sometimes lasting about a minute. He said "No, they would have to last a lot longer than that, like several minutes, and you would feel a heavy chest and get sweaty."
Well I certainly don't get sweaty, so that puts me in the clear??
I don't trust just any doctor anymore.
Upon 5 minutes of Googling (I know, it's bad, never Google a symptom) I noticed that heart palpitations can be cause by Ovarian Tumors as well as Thyroid problems. Both of which are NOT unrealistic for me. I HAVE been losing weight and Thyroid runs in my family...I am getting a hysterectomy this summer because my chance of Ovarian Cancer is skyrocketed since my BRCA1 gene diagnosis. So I am going to look a little further.
Blood tests are on their way and a visit with MY doctor on Friday is in the works.
With that being said, I hope it isn't anything serious...and this morning I woke up and began my first day without ANY caffeine, and so far no palps!
My doctor (and my husband) ordered me a day off. I am to sleep in and relax all day. (What!??) I figure that means I clean my house?? I mean really? Just sit here? HAHA, kidding. I know how to relax...and I plan to today and try to tackle these thumps on my own and get them gone for good!!

done.

So I am done treatment.
I quit Herceptin on round 13 of 17...
I started having funky heart palpatations a while back...they got worse and worse.
My doc was screening me and i was getting my usual heart ultrasounds and nothing showed any problems...but with the relationship history between herceptin and heart failure, I was unnerved.
Something just told me it was time to quit.
Maybe it was the day I almost fainted in my kitchen a few weeks back, because my heart stopped beating (or so it felt like anyway).
Either way, I went in for my last treatment and when Doc came to check me out before pumping the drugs into my IV, I told him, I was thinking maybe I should quit.
My heart was getting funkier by the day and it was freaking me out.
We agreed because I am not really (technically) HER2 positive (I am borderline) and because I had done so may treatments, it wouldn't be unheard of to quit a bit early.
Doc wanted to send me home and have me run a bunch more tests before making my decision. He probably hoped that I would test fine and continue thru the rest of my sessions...but I decided to cut the ties.
It felt right.
I'm done.
I'm done with tests and needles and toxic drug treatments and missing out on life to get treatments...
done!
That is until this summer when I have to get my hysterectomy...and go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy)
it never does end does it!!
:)
It's ok, I am on my way....still taking it one day at a time.

What's Wrong with me?

Uncomfortable, displaced, itchy, crawly, anxious, bummed, worried, eager, out of sorts.
That should sum it up.

I haven't been feeling right lately...
not sure why.
I am guessing SAD, as it has been a LONG winter and I have been laking vitamin D.
But maybe it's post traumatic disorder from my ordeal last year...it could be that.
Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is reliving our nightmare and has cancer again and maybe I am just defeated and beat down from all the bad news...
Maybe it's the fact that I am tired, from working to hard juggling two jobs.
It could be the guilt that is blanketing me...the guilt from being back to my old self, my pre-cancer self...from the fact that I consume sugar again, I work hard again, I haven't been meditating, I think bad thoughts about people....
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
I can't take it anymore.
It's like I died and crossed over for 9 months last year.
I had a 9 month epiphany when I didn't know if I was going to live or die, I became a good person, I wore the cancer goggles and saw the beauty in anything and everything and became the perfect human....I guess it was in order to prove to god that I deserved to live.
I was good at it, it came natural to me.
I was everything I always wanted to be.
And now I just feel like I am slipping back.
But is it possible to live in epiphany for a lifetime?
Or was it meant to be temporary and just stay as a clear memory...a place to retreat to when I need to reflect and prioritize....?
Who knows.
But I feel foggy and I feel tired, and the cancer nightmare is too close for comfort.
I thought it would be gone, but it isn't my choice.
The cancer experience is an unwelcome house guest that stays until IT's ready to leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I should just be grateful I am healthy, and start enjoying my life a bit more...
easier said than done.
I am worn out, beaten up and bruised.
Til when?
who knows.

Healing and Grieving

It has been far too long since I have blogged, and normally I wouldn't feel guilty because if I am not blogging I am living, however i have had many emotions, breakthroughs and events happen that play a significant role in my "cancer life" and healing, and I haven't made the time to document it. Because there is so much, I will not cram it all into one post. I will just do a series of posts covering one thing at a time.
Here it goes!!!
I just re-read my last blog and indeed it was true...all in all I feel like the "grieving" from my diagnosis and all of the trauma from last year has really just begun recently. It's funny too because I promised myself I would only work part time going in back into the working world...but i soon found myself working 5 to sometimes 6 days a week, and when I stopped to analyze it I knew immediately why.
I run from bad feelings, or let me word that better "feelings that make me feel bad".
I work to keep my mind off of the fact that I am different and have been through what I have....so I don't have to have a one on one with the fear.
But let me go back, I said it is "funny, I have been a work-a-holic to avoid the pain" because it has still worked it's way into my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an emotional mess, it comes in waves....the grieving shows itself here and there.
It is disguised as anger and sorrow and guilt and sometimes insecurity.
Examples"
I have definitely had a shorter temper lately. I have been very impatient and had to really control these feelings so not to lash out and my kids, friends, family and coworkers...I always worry if I am already moody, how will I be when I have my hysterectomy and go into menopause??
Another example is when I went in for my Herceptin treatment the other day. I had been having bouts of heart palpitations and dizziness and almost fainted one day so I thought I'd mention it to my doc. Well, obviously he refused to treat me until I went downstairs and did a number of tests to rule out anything major that may be wrong. For some reason I was so annoyed with that. I think I am just getting sick of having to get treatments. It takes a lot of my time arranging appointments and taking time off work sucks and it just hilights the fact that I am different and that I was sick and it makes me feel weak and in sufficiant in comparison to a regular person. I NEVER wanted my illness to change my day to day life once I was declared cancer free. And it is, it still affects it and it pisses me off. So anyway, I was in a huff when I went down for tests and then lost it when I had to remove my shirt and bra in front of a nurse who had no idea I had breast cancer surgery.
I was ashamed when I took my shirt off in front of her. I was embarassed and humiliated and I felt like I had to explain that I looked different (because I haven't had my tatooing yet especially)
I layed on the table sobbing, sobbing with so much pain...with wires coming out from my body and suction cups stuck to me like Frakenstien and that's how I felt. Like an alien, like a medical experiment.
My grieving snuck up on me and poured out of me and there was nothing Icould do about it...
I just wanted to feel normal. I guess I am resentful because I feel like there was a deal made. "Yes cancer I understand you are invading my body...I am willing to deal with you and have you consume my life for a year but once I do everything the doctors tell me to do, then you need to leave and I want my life back...deal? DEAL!"
I swear that's the conversation I had, I swear it...
So that's where I sit.
I wonder if maybe I should seek cousiling again to get it all out so I can move on, but I am starting to think it doesn't work like that. I can't just scrub it all off, cancer changed me and as long as it took to grow inside of me , I will take just as much time or more to heal from it emotionally. And it will come out when it wants to, I can't force it out, I just have to acknowledge it when it shows itself, acknowledge it and and embrace it and release it.
Easier said than done because usually when it interrupts my life I get angry and resentful.
But I know that is just adding more bad feeling to the pile.
I need to start dealing with my feelings properly.
I vow to try harder.
I really want to be back to normal again...if that is possible.
I am going to try.

anger.

What are the 5 steps of greiving? And when does Anger come into play?
Well it's here.
I am angry.
A lot, at many of things.
I don't like the negativity brewing up inside of me but I cannot help it.
it needs to come out so that it doesn't breed disease by staying inside.
Where has it come from?
Who knows, many possibilities.
But it is here, in full effect and needs to be released.