done.

So I am done treatment.
I quit Herceptin on round 13 of 17...
I started having funky heart palpatations a while back...they got worse and worse.
My doc was screening me and i was getting my usual heart ultrasounds and nothing showed any problems...but with the relationship history between herceptin and heart failure, I was unnerved.
Something just told me it was time to quit.
Maybe it was the day I almost fainted in my kitchen a few weeks back, because my heart stopped beating (or so it felt like anyway).
Either way, I went in for my last treatment and when Doc came to check me out before pumping the drugs into my IV, I told him, I was thinking maybe I should quit.
My heart was getting funkier by the day and it was freaking me out.
We agreed because I am not really (technically) HER2 positive (I am borderline) and because I had done so may treatments, it wouldn't be unheard of to quit a bit early.
Doc wanted to send me home and have me run a bunch more tests before making my decision. He probably hoped that I would test fine and continue thru the rest of my sessions...but I decided to cut the ties.
It felt right.
I'm done.
I'm done with tests and needles and toxic drug treatments and missing out on life to get treatments...
done!
That is until this summer when I have to get my hysterectomy...and go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy)
it never does end does it!!
:)
It's ok, I am on my way....still taking it one day at a time.

What's Wrong with me?

Uncomfortable, displaced, itchy, crawly, anxious, bummed, worried, eager, out of sorts.
That should sum it up.

I haven't been feeling right lately...
not sure why.
I am guessing SAD, as it has been a LONG winter and I have been laking vitamin D.
But maybe it's post traumatic disorder from my ordeal last year...it could be that.
Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is reliving our nightmare and has cancer again and maybe I am just defeated and beat down from all the bad news...
Maybe it's the fact that I am tired, from working to hard juggling two jobs.
It could be the guilt that is blanketing me...the guilt from being back to my old self, my pre-cancer self...from the fact that I consume sugar again, I work hard again, I haven't been meditating, I think bad thoughts about people....
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
I can't take it anymore.
It's like I died and crossed over for 9 months last year.
I had a 9 month epiphany when I didn't know if I was going to live or die, I became a good person, I wore the cancer goggles and saw the beauty in anything and everything and became the perfect human....I guess it was in order to prove to god that I deserved to live.
I was good at it, it came natural to me.
I was everything I always wanted to be.
And now I just feel like I am slipping back.
But is it possible to live in epiphany for a lifetime?
Or was it meant to be temporary and just stay as a clear memory...a place to retreat to when I need to reflect and prioritize....?
Who knows.
But I feel foggy and I feel tired, and the cancer nightmare is too close for comfort.
I thought it would be gone, but it isn't my choice.
The cancer experience is an unwelcome house guest that stays until IT's ready to leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I should just be grateful I am healthy, and start enjoying my life a bit more...
easier said than done.
I am worn out, beaten up and bruised.
Til when?
who knows.

Healing and Grieving

It has been far too long since I have blogged, and normally I wouldn't feel guilty because if I am not blogging I am living, however i have had many emotions, breakthroughs and events happen that play a significant role in my "cancer life" and healing, and I haven't made the time to document it. Because there is so much, I will not cram it all into one post. I will just do a series of posts covering one thing at a time.
Here it goes!!!
I just re-read my last blog and indeed it was true...all in all I feel like the "grieving" from my diagnosis and all of the trauma from last year has really just begun recently. It's funny too because I promised myself I would only work part time going in back into the working world...but i soon found myself working 5 to sometimes 6 days a week, and when I stopped to analyze it I knew immediately why.
I run from bad feelings, or let me word that better "feelings that make me feel bad".
I work to keep my mind off of the fact that I am different and have been through what I have....so I don't have to have a one on one with the fear.
But let me go back, I said it is "funny, I have been a work-a-holic to avoid the pain" because it has still worked it's way into my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an emotional mess, it comes in waves....the grieving shows itself here and there.
It is disguised as anger and sorrow and guilt and sometimes insecurity.
Examples"
I have definitely had a shorter temper lately. I have been very impatient and had to really control these feelings so not to lash out and my kids, friends, family and coworkers...I always worry if I am already moody, how will I be when I have my hysterectomy and go into menopause??
Another example is when I went in for my Herceptin treatment the other day. I had been having bouts of heart palpitations and dizziness and almost fainted one day so I thought I'd mention it to my doc. Well, obviously he refused to treat me until I went downstairs and did a number of tests to rule out anything major that may be wrong. For some reason I was so annoyed with that. I think I am just getting sick of having to get treatments. It takes a lot of my time arranging appointments and taking time off work sucks and it just hilights the fact that I am different and that I was sick and it makes me feel weak and in sufficiant in comparison to a regular person. I NEVER wanted my illness to change my day to day life once I was declared cancer free. And it is, it still affects it and it pisses me off. So anyway, I was in a huff when I went down for tests and then lost it when I had to remove my shirt and bra in front of a nurse who had no idea I had breast cancer surgery.
I was ashamed when I took my shirt off in front of her. I was embarassed and humiliated and I felt like I had to explain that I looked different (because I haven't had my tatooing yet especially)
I layed on the table sobbing, sobbing with so much pain...with wires coming out from my body and suction cups stuck to me like Frakenstien and that's how I felt. Like an alien, like a medical experiment.
My grieving snuck up on me and poured out of me and there was nothing Icould do about it...
I just wanted to feel normal. I guess I am resentful because I feel like there was a deal made. "Yes cancer I understand you are invading my body...I am willing to deal with you and have you consume my life for a year but once I do everything the doctors tell me to do, then you need to leave and I want my life back...deal? DEAL!"
I swear that's the conversation I had, I swear it...
So that's where I sit.
I wonder if maybe I should seek cousiling again to get it all out so I can move on, but I am starting to think it doesn't work like that. I can't just scrub it all off, cancer changed me and as long as it took to grow inside of me , I will take just as much time or more to heal from it emotionally. And it will come out when it wants to, I can't force it out, I just have to acknowledge it when it shows itself, acknowledge it and and embrace it and release it.
Easier said than done because usually when it interrupts my life I get angry and resentful.
But I know that is just adding more bad feeling to the pile.
I need to start dealing with my feelings properly.
I vow to try harder.
I really want to be back to normal again...if that is possible.
I am going to try.

anger.

What are the 5 steps of greiving? And when does Anger come into play?
Well it's here.
I am angry.
A lot, at many of things.
I don't like the negativity brewing up inside of me but I cannot help it.
it needs to come out so that it doesn't breed disease by staying inside.
Where has it come from?
Who knows, many possibilities.
But it is here, in full effect and needs to be released.

Headed into the SUN.

Life has been extremely busy lately.
I have excused my therapists words from last year and decided to once again become a workaholic.
This worries me because i don't want it to make me sick again, however, I like the work.
It is temporary and if I refuse the job I could kiss my future at Selkirk college goodbye.
It is far too good a job to ignore because of some hypochondria.
And I like it.
I really like it.
And it's temporary for now...
So call my last few words justification, or what you want but I am trying to be normal...and I need to trust my body that is is and will continue to be free of disease.
I am trying to plan a future.

PLUS!
I am working my ass off so I can make my way to the sun next week and revel in some relaxation.
I am off to Cozumel with my husband.
Kid Free.
We are going to celebrate my remission and soak up some vitamin D...maybe consume too much pina coladas, ceviche and guacamole.
Hey! Coconut milk, fish and avocado are all good for you!!!
Can't wait to escape the winter FUNK and recharge...
Who knows! Maybe I will come back with some real estate magazines or the keys to a new place!
hee hee...
just kidding,
for now.

A NEW Year.

We brought in the new year with good friends this year.
The entire event felt a lot more welcomed for me than last year.
Last year...how could I celebrate? I knew I was heading into a year full of cancer and treatments...the unknown.
This year marks a NEW BEGINNING for myself personally.
I wish I could say the same for my mom.
She just had her bilateral mastectomy last week and the day she went in for her surgery I was working up at the college.
I thought I would be fine but minutes before she went under, I had an emotional release and overwhelming sadness came over me...I excused myself to go to the washroom and had a little cry for her....and me too maybe.
It brought up a lot of emotions for me and old feelings from my surgery that I have honored yes, but then buried in order to get back to real life.
I am so aware that ignoring and burying up feeling isn't healthy but the bottom line is that when something as major as cancer happens to you, it would take up to a few years to properly deal with it before you could be back to normal (if that is even possible) so sometimes you have to bury a little bit in order to move forward and function as a normal human.
I have had sympathy pains for my mom. The day of her surgery I had many sharp pains in my chest which isn't normal for me...I know that they were sympathy pains.

So far the New Year has been good to me. I have a full time position at Selkirk college as of now, as an assistant instructor in the cosmetology department. I love it, I love teaching, I love the students and my co-workers. I get paid well and the hours are great.
Kerry and I are planning a one week trip to Cozumel at the end of the month which I am so excited about. I am dying for a vacation, all inclusive style and some hard core vitamin D!! Much needed us time. I can't wait to spend 7 days alone with my best friend.
With all that said, the New Year isn't perfect. My mom is about to go through cancer treatment AGAIN and a close friend was diagnosed with testicular cancer in mid December so I am helping him with that. It seems that no matter what I do, my life has been surrounded by cancer for the last 5 years.
This is something I would expect if I was an old lady and all of my friends were getting sick around me and so on. But I am 31 years old, and the people around me are all too young to be getting sick.
Is this has the world has always been and I was just lucky to avoid it up until now?
Or is the world getting plagued by cancer?
Or is it just me and my life....is there some significance maybe?
Am I meant to be helping...does God just know that I am strong enough to deal with it all and so he is surrounding ME?
Who knows.
I just have to keep looking at the bright side of it all....
being grateful for what I do have and the GOOD moments.
We need to acknowledge the GOOD moments and the daily blessings we are presented with, no matter how small...because there are people who are REALLY suffering out there.

I look forward to everyday of this New Year, no matter what happens.
I am healthier than ever, I am slim again, I am smoke-FREE and I am still madly in love. I've crossed off about 5 past New Years resolutions in one year (last year). If that was the point of my cancer, I'll take it.
I pray for health for my loved ones and I pray for success in their fight. And if they come out of their fight with the clarity that I have then it will all be worth it.
Happy New Year!

Decision

The other day my head oncologist called and we were able to chat about what I am supposed to do to avoid getting ovarian and uterine cancer.
The final verdict?
Full hysterectomy with hormone replacement therapy.
My onc tells me that being so young, taking Estrogen is actually beneficial to me to avoid further cancers and other complications related to my ovaries being removed. I know the stigma attached to taking estrogen is that is causes cancer but in my case it isn't true. Especially with my cancer being estrogen negative.
So I am happy with the news. I would like to remove any parts of me that have a high chance of getting cancer, but ONLY if the other side effects are minimal to none. Taking HRT makes it little...maybe not none, but little.
I am ok with that.
My mom has decided with her surgeon that she will be having a full mastectomy early in January. It's funny how against the surgery she was for the first diagnosis of cancer, but now that it is back it's like "Take these things OFF! I am SICK OF THIS CRAP!" type mentality.
I don't blame her, I felt that way the first time! If I don't need em' and they can cause my demise...get rid of em'!
I am sad for my mom though. I know it will be hard for her.
Scars are tough. They remind us of the fear and the illness.
But I think we need to change our mentality so that when we look at them they remind us of our courage and accomplishment.
It can be easier said than done however.

Christmas is in the air and I like it this year. I am feeling very thankful for my life and it's richness.
Last year at my husband's work Xmas party I had just found out that I had cancer and I didn't really enjoy myself.
This year (tomorrow) I am so excited to let loose and celebrate a long trying year with a successful outcome!
Tis the season!
Cheers!