Star Mile

Please Listen to this Song, while or after reading this post.....
This again is Joshua Radin...my soundtrack to my journey. Available for purchase on my "recommended links" on the right hand side of this blog or thru Itunes....

Chemo #5....and not the last one yet...

Went in for Chemo 5 yesterday (and what I thought would be my last one) and man I was riddled with anxiety on this one....I always end up feeling like a child needing her mommy, I just stare out the window and try not to cry. It just makes me feel like a sick person and scared. I really really hate it. That's why a few weeks ago when a little boy came in for his chemo and screamed and cried, I could relate. The nurses kept saying, it's not that it hurts him. I knew that all along. It is that he is sick of being poked and prodded and just wants it to be over it. My inner kid is doing the same, though all I show is a small tear running down my cheek, the rest stays inside brewing in my gut.
It went fairly well tough over all. My friend D was in for her last chemo and her friend brought me some treats and D brought me a homemade necklace from a local girl PLUG: hojodesigns on Facebook or http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=121205667895666#!/group.php?gid=240514347061&ref=ts is the exact Facebook link....she has some beautiful things and does home parties I believe!! These things all cheered me up...
I did feel sorry for myself a bit, sometimes I see all of the support all of these other cancer friends of mine have and I feel a bit shunned. I mean, don't get me wrong I have a good tight little group of friends and family that have come in full force for me, but I am even having a hard time getting people to support and join our Relay for Life team....where I am seeing other cancer survivors with hundreds of people biting at the bit to join....I just wonder, is it because I am new to Nelson and don't know many people? Is it because my acquaintances are all young and busy? Is it because I didn't make a good enough impression or bond with these people when I was healthy and too busy? I think it's the latter. Which is something I can change in the future....I must make more time to love and help and smile and listen and come out of my comfort zone to meet new people and make new bonds....this I vow.
at my appointment my oncologist showed me the stats on doing my 6th chemo I was trying to get out of....he explained it does make a significant difference to complete it. Where as I was left with a different impression after talking to my specialist in Kelowna....I feel pretty good today after my 5th and I felt pretty good after my 4rth so I am going to get the last one in. I think I can handle it and then I can say I did everything they told me to, like a good little girl. My stay at the hospital was easier. And it makes all the difference in the world...I recommend it to anyone having a hard time. I feel refreshed and day 2 seems to feel more like day 5, which is a miracle. This I will do on my last cycle as well....
Lots of things coming up to look forward to, like trips and gardening and geocaching and the fair and get-togethers and camping!! I am excited, though it\s going to be a whirlwind, it will keep me busy!!
Love Love Love
Dreamer.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Cancer Patients

Overview

Some survivors of cancer experience trauma-related symptoms similar to symptoms experienced by people who have survived highly stressful situations, such as military combat, natural disasters, violent personal attack (such as rape), or other life-threatening events. This group of symptoms is called posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and includes avoiding situations related to the trauma, continuously thinking of the trauma, and being overexcited.

People with histories of cancer are considered to be at risk for PTSD. The physical and mental shock of having a life-threatening disease, of receiving treatment for cancer, and living with repeated threats to one's body and life are traumatic experiences for many cancer patients.

**Very interesting......more at the link

http://www.aaets.org/article128.htm

Sky - Joshua Radin Ft. Ingrid Michaelson (with lyrics)

Spent the day yesterday watching my sun play two baseball games in the warm sun.
Got the sunburn to prove it!! (Just a little one)
It was a lovely day and I filled up on my vitamin D!! Yahoo! Just cause I am not allowed to take vitamins, doesn't mean I won't find a way!! Take that chemo!!
Wednesday is my next and final chemo. Different thoughts run through my head from excitement, to nervousness (as always) to fear about my treatment coming to an end.
I mean, once it is all done, then what? It's like they push you out into the world "There you go kid, have fun waiting to see if it comes back or not! Hopefully we got it all, you'll find out soon enough!"
I mean, I know it sounds negative, but realistically that's the case!!
You have to (and I do) believe that you are cured and go on living like you will live forever, but the cloud will always creep in from time to time and remind you of what you have been through and what is a possibility for you. It's reality. A sick mind game no one should have to be a part of.
In a way I guess I am glad I have a year on Herceptin, because it makes me feel like I am still being treated (I am) and it's still a little army left, fighting off the leftover cancer if any....

My friend K in Vancouver, one of my "cancer friends" has just finished her 2nd treatment of 8...she is losing her hair now and is going thru the rough times....I wish I could lend her my eyes to see that is gets better...it's so hard when you are in a dark hole and can't see a way out. I hurt for her. It makes me angry.....every time I see anyone go thru it, because I know how helpless they feel and it just isn't fair. I hate cancer for this.

But. Like I have said before....if we beat the cancer, if we really beat it....it will be the greatest journey we could have ever taken, as we will come out stronger and wiser and clearer than ever before. So we will take our lemons and make lemonade....that's all we can do!

Plastic Surgery Consultation

Got back last night from an overnight trip to Kelowna.
We went to meet the plastic surgeon who will perform the major part of my surgery.
On the drive up to Kelowna (which I usually love) I started getting butterflies in my stomach.
This is all coming up so soon and I am starting to get scared...up until now, it was a distant plan of action, a "no big deal" so to speak. Now, I am starting to freak out.
When we rolled into town, we went for dinner and a movie. It's always a nice excuse for a date away from the kids...which has been very VERY rare lately.
We saw Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. It was fabulous!! I needed the laughs and I got them. I highly recommend this movie!!
The next day we went to the plastic surgery center.
It was fancy and a bit intimidating.
I had to fill out the necessary forms and wait.
Then we were taken into another room to watch a video on reconstruction options...it didn't have any gore, but it made it all so real, I started to feel panicky and my husband had to leave the room because he felt like he was going to puke and pass out.
It was just a lot of verbal explanation of where they take the fat and tissue from and how they reattach it and so on....plus they explained the complications one may have from the surgery.
I decided they should change the system. They should have you sign up for the surgery and signa waiver and then once you do, they will come int0 your room while you sleep on some random day, and gas you out without you knowing and do the surgery...surprise!
Because for me, the worst part of it all, is the anxiety leading up to it.
When the doctor finally came into the room, he examined me, measured me with a tape measure, felt my boobs, felt my belly fat and then spoke.
He explained that the Trams Flap surgery is my best option. My breasts will be made of my own tissue so it will feel natural and age with me naturally. It will also give me a tummy tuck and rid me of my baby belly that I have never been able to get rid of. He will make my breasts perkier and firmer but they may be a bit smaller than they are now (which I am fine with).
He explained that there is a chance the new tissue won't take to the breast area but it is a very small chance. He explained that I have no need to worry about being on the table for 8 hours (cringe) because the chance of dying from that is so small, I have a much higher chance of dying in a car accident on my way to the hospital (that made me feel better).
He told me I will be in the hospital for about 7 days after the surgery...3 of which they will want me to lay there to avoid disrupting the blood vessels, then after that, I will need to get up and walk around lightly to get blood flow to this are and avoid clots.
I asked him if the pain is manageable, and he said it was and if it is really bad, they can give me an epidural (yikes!) but I don't think I will need one, I have good pain tolerance I am just a baby about the gross stuff...like the drains and stuff :(...
The surgeon was quiet, but the nurse explained that he is that way but not to let it put us off, he is very detailed with his work and he takes his job very seriously...he always takes the challenging cases which don't pay anymore than the easy ones, so it is proof he does it cause he loves it and not for the money.
I believe her, and my oncologist highly recommends him, which is all I need to feel good.
Next the nurse took me into a little room and photographed me in my panties only..to get before shots for the surgery. I felt like a naked criminal in for a mug shot....lol.
The whole experience was very emotional. I kept thinking, why do I have to go through this at my age? Why me? and it's not fair....I had fantasies of me running away to a deserted island and hiding...like hiding would ensure my cancer would dissapear and never comeback.
The bottom line is I have NO CHOICE, and maybe that's where the anxiety stems from. The loss of control. I have no choice, I need to have this surgery done to ensure my cancer is gone and drastically reduce any chance of recurrence.
Verging on tears, we left the appointment and got in the elevator. When the door opened, out walked a young lady, probably 25, with a pink breast cancer scarf over her bald head....going in for her consult...
It isn't fair, and I broke down into tears.
It was a hard trip home, I did a lot of thinking and feeling sorry for all of us women who have to deal with these extremely stressful situations. Coping is hard.
I read a quote once that helps me cope, and reminds me to take a challenge and pull the good things from it, like I have been trying to do for months now...

"Don't let the Dark swallow you up..instead, light a candle."

Joshua Radin-Brand new day