Life Lost

Life Lost

Last week we lost another beautiful soul to breast cancer.
Brenda was a 30 something young woman whom I went to high school with.
Months into my own diagnosis, I was referred to her blog and was shocked by the fact that this collegue indeed had been fighting breast cancer as well.
Brenda was diagnosed in 2008 (a year before me) and had been blogging almost 2 years by the time I found her blog.
Having been diagnosed with an aggresive stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, her blog was very powerful.
I didn't know Brenda intimatley in high school but I always knew I liked her. Everyone did.
She was a beautiful girl who would shine her genuine smile all down the halls of our small town school.
She was the epitomy of good.
She played sports, accepted everyone, did well in school and was adored by many.

Brenda's Blog played a big part in my breast cancer journey and my healing.
I especially appreciated her strong faith in God and her stubborness (in which I can truly relate) Though I have never considered myself a religious person, I have always believed. And when I faced my own mortality last year, God really made himself present and he became impossible to ignore, so when Brenda speaks of her God and her relationship with him, I know we are speaking of the same being.
Brenda continued to get bad news after bad news and though she felt pain, she never backed down. She always stood strong to cancer and focused on the positive.
I tried to imitate that behaviour throughout my journey and continue to use her strength to motivate me on the tough days.
When I read that Brenda was losing her battle with cancer a month or so ago, my heart sank.
I knew it was always a possibility as her chemos kept letting her down but my heart ached.
My heart ached that Brenda had met the love of her life but would never be able to have children.
My heart ached that all she really wanred was to have children.
My heart ached for her husband, her sister and her friends and family.
It just seemed like such a travesty.
So, I sat, angry and sad....and all I could do, all I had to do, was use Brenda herself to make sense of the situation.

Looking at the picture from a completely different angle I realized that maybe I could look at this situation as a gift to Brenda.
The strongest connection, the most powerful source of love and light in Brenda's life is God...and now she gets to dive into that.
Brenda and her God, hand in hand for eternity.
She will be rewarded and at peace.
No more chemo, no more fear, no more pain.
Just love and light.
To one day be joined by her family and friends.

It is a sad loss, but I will always look to Brenda to inspire me.
Her life was lived with class and beauty and the light of her shines on,
everyday.

brendas blog
http://brendabreastcancer.blogspot.com/

Hyster-erical!

15 days ago (really? already? wow.) I had my hysterectomy.
This week I worked just over 40 hrs and I feel fine!

Last week when I went in for surgery, I was pretty ok.
Having already gone thru a 12 hr surgery in the past, I was a little more tolerant of the idea of a 2 hr surgery. I was a little less afraid.

But I still had some little butterflies. Baby butterflies.
Butterflies nonetheless.
I always find the worst part of any surgery is the starvation process they put you thru.
I remember when I was a kid, being invited to other kids' church fasting events.
The thought of it was terrifying! And this was no different.
One strange thing that happened was an inncident that resembled post traumatic stress disorder.
I was all prepped to go in...not feeling very scared, and the nurse poked me a few unsuccesful times in the hand unable to place the IV....then she poked me in the hip with an anti-coagulant and I lost it.
It didn't really hurt or anything, and I have had thousands of needles...
but something in these 3 consecutive pokes triggered something in me.
I just lost it.
I realized in that moment, I have post traumatic stress from my year of cancer.
I am sick of being poked and prodded...I flipped out.
From that moment until I went under, I just sobbed like a baby.
The nurses probably thought I was scared, but that wasn't it.
It was mostly a pity party, and a release from all the built up emotion from last year.
The surgery seemed short but when I woke up, I puked (as usual) from the anesthetic.
I slept most of my surgery off for the next 20 hrs...and I was very happy when I was able to eat again (the next day).
My surgeon came to thge hospital room to see me and told me that he had found something unusual in my bladder while he was looking around.
It was a fleshy piece of tissue that he removed to have tested (just to be safe, because of my history) He gave me the old "It's probably nothing, but because of your history, we should just test it to be sure."
I had heard that EXACT line before! And I KNOW many other young cancer survivors have heard the same line.
I spun into a whirlwind of new fear.
When I got home from surgery I did what no person should ever do...."google the symptoms" NEVER GOOGLE THE SYMPTOMS!
Well, I did, I googled "bladder cancer" and I found some very alarming things.
The 3 main things that cause bladder cancer are:
1. smoking (I did for many years)
2. working with hair dye (whoops)
3. chemotherapy (the kind I had)

So, to make the long story short, I thought I was going to die again. I thought I had bladder cancer, and the very thought of me having to go thru treatment again was mind boggling!
However, a week after my surgery, my doc called me and told me that my pathology results were clear and I was not going to die of bladder cancer OR ovarian cancer.
Now, 7 days after that...I sit here, feeling physically grand and back to normal!
I think though, that maybe I am starting menopause.
I have been waking up in the night, sweaty and hot, which is unusual for me normally.
I assume this may be hot flashes??
Not too big an issue yet.
So, all in all the hysterectomy was successful. It was quite simple and I only ended up with a few tiny holes in my belly and a few days of grogginess.
I took 6days off where I didn't do much but watch movies and sleep, and then I was back to work for 4 hrs a day for about 3 days and then I dove right back in to 6-9hrs shifts.
I feel great!
But I am still taking days off, to relax and give my body what it needs.
til next time!

losing loves.

What is the old saying again?
"Is is better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all?"
Something like that.

Well, it is happening.
I knew when I joined the cancer club and decided to open up and meet friends, that I would be signing up for some heart ache in the future.
Some of my friends are losing their battles, and it hurts.

We lost a friend from the recent YACC retreat just a week or so ago.
She was a beautiful, smiley soul...such a sad loss.

I have 2 other friends who are stage 4, who are losing their battles as we speak.
Struggling to keep living as cancer tries to smother out their fire.
It pains me.

I know there will be more.
It's what you sign up for.
But any pain I have, by losing these friends, by seeing cancer win....
is by far outweighed by all of the joy they have brought me by knowing them.
I will make the trade any day.

Dear Friends,
I love you, I am proud of you and your fight.
You have done nothing wrong, so hold your head up high.
And honor your life and the beautiful spirit you will gift to heaven and the memories you leave behind.

<3

Another surgery.

It's just 10 days until I have my hysterectomy.
"How do I feel about this ?" you ask?
Well, until yesterday, I actually felt fine about it.
Maybe I didn't feel fine.
Maybe I have been keeping myself so busy that I haven't had time to "feel"
I tend to do that a lot in my life.
Well, yesterday, on my way into town, driving along the lake, I had a moment.
I feel really really sad about it.
I don't want to loose more of myself.
I don't want to loose what makes me a woman.
I have already lost my original breasts, and now my hormones and my organs.
It's too much.
When I flip the coin, I am grateful there is an option for me, I am glad I can prevent a (very likely) life threatening disease.
I am blessed to have that chance.
However, as I lay in bed last night, hiding tears from my husband, I can't help but feel like my body has let me down.
I feel sorrow, lost, that yet another peice of me is going to be ripped away...
what will be left?
Only time will tell.

YACC

As the 33 of us, (all young adults having faced cancer in some way) sat around the pool...that is when I realized the true power of this support community.
Never in the last 19 months of cancer life and surgeries have I felt comfortable showing my scars. I have scars under each of my arm pits, I have scars in my belly button (which isn't even an original) I have a giant gash across my abdomen. I have little scars from all of my drains like polka dots across my torso, and of course there are scars on my breasts.
Every time I have gotten in to a swim suit since my surgeries, I have felt a bit uneasy. I have felt different. I have felt like I have to justify my scars or explain to everyone that they don't make me different and if they do, then they make me better than everyone else because they are war wounds.
I never do talk to anyone about it.
I just sit with them and they remind me of where I have been and sometimes I feel proud, and sometimes I feel anger.
And sometimes I feel scared.

As I lay by this pool on a hot summer day. I look around at the rest of the young survivors at this retreat and I realize, we are all the same.
Scars here, scars there....beauty everywhere. Strength everywhere.
This is probably the first time for all of us that we could remove our covers and feel completely normal and just relax and be ourselves. Because each and everyone of us understands and there is ZERO judgment.
This is the heart of a true community.
This is why the YACC support organization and it's retreats and conferences are so important.
Moments like these are priceless.

Please sponsor Kerry and I (and YACC) for the YACC surivor conference and our CLIMB!! coming in November. All money will help us and other young survivors attend conferences and retreats and will also go to YACC to help strengthen our support community and keep it up and running and growing.
SPONSOR HERE: (cut and paste the blue link and put it in your webbrowser, then click "sponsor me" on the lower left hand side of the page)

http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1225195#.TlR1_v6S7_Z.facebook

THANKS EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED US SO FAR!!

Forever Changed ~ YACC Retreat

Hearing my neighbor complain for the 20th time about my dogs, I had to just look at her and laugh.
After the weekend I just had I can't phathom someone putting so much negative energy into something that JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!
This woman needs to have a taste of the Young Adult Cancer Canada retreat that I just went on.

On Monday, Kerry and I drove home (8 hrs) forever changed.
We signed up for this retreat months before and had no idea what we were going to experience.
I thought maybe I could wrap up some of my lingering concerns and issues and give Kerry a chance for some post-cancer support seeing as he never had any during my year of cancer.
I thought maybe I could help some others deal with their issues and maybe had some laughs with some young adults like me that I could relate to. I also knew my cancer girlfriend (I call her Kiki) was going to be there. And even though I had written to her numerous times over the year and I feel like I know her, I had actually only met her once, so this was long overdue.
The weekend ended up being MUCH more than all I had expected from it.
This retreat was unspeakable.
33 young adults filed into a beautiful Retreat lodge, sat around in a circle, eyeing each other up and when we began, we went around the circle and told our story.
There was a lot of breast cancer, there was a few lymphoma's, a few brain tumors, a couple ovarian, a lukemia and a few other rare cancers.
There were girls and boys aged early twenties to late thirties.
As we went around the circle I became aware that a few of the guests were terminal. There were people with no support systems, and people struggling with pain. Everyone had a story and the amazing thing was that even as bad as their story was, they still had fight.
Within the first 3 hours of arriving, every 33 of us, were forced to drop down our guards, and let our true colors shine.
We were raw and exposed and it was scary, but we soon learned that everyone was in the same boat and we all instantly developed a MAJOR respect for each other and unconditional love.
I never thought I was longing for a cancer friend my own age, but when I was in a room of people like me, I couldn't help but cry tears of relief. The feeling was overwhelming. I needed this. I belonged.
I didn't notice that I had been feeling like an alien over the last year and a half. But I must have, because being at this retreat in a room full of strangers, I felt like I was finally home.
The weekend consisted of group sessions where we discussed common issues between us such as "relationships and family" also "fears (of the future and recurrence etc)" another topic was "emotional health" and "re-intrajectorization" (a word made up to explain easing back into the real world after cancer)
I spoke a bit about my own personal issues, but mainly I listened. I felt like I learned more from listening than anything else. Sometimes I felt guilty when I would speak of one of my issues because ultimately there was someone else in my group who was terminal and who's situation was always worse than mine. I know that these guests didn't judge me, but somehow I just had a hard time complaining, when I was ultimately free. I think maybe that was the most therapeutic thing of all! The full on "mirror-in-the-face" showing me that my life is a gift and whatever issues I may be having, I should just deal with them and move on so that I can enjoy my life, because some people don't have that luxury.
I wish I could share some of the things I heard and witnessed but you know what? You would never understand. You had to be there. And I kind of like keeping this little treasure for myself.
All I can say is that there was no "fakeness" or superficialities. There was only love and acceptance. There was also A LOT of laughing!! I haven't laughed that hard...well...ever! I learned so much from each beautiful person there. I learned humor, I learned how to fight, I learned class, I learned grace, I learned the love of a mother, I learned the love of a husband and wife. I gained a new best friend, I learned respect and strength and resilience.
I met a beautiful young woman who has an uncureable cancer that smiles peacefully and says that she is not afraid of dying because she knows she will be re-incarnated and have a second shot at a beautiful life.
A wonderful thought from a beautiful soul.
We had cooking classes from an amazing chef.
We had sun tan pool time, and watched a front flip into a tube contest while laughing so hard we cried.
We went on nature walks.
We watched a fantastic documentary made by a talented soul.
We made vision boards and took time to silently admire each others dreams for the future.
We had a talent show and again laughed so hard our jaws hurt.
We fed our bodies and souls with nutrient rich, blessed food.
We stayed up late and giggled, and cried and hugged each other and shared stories and compared boob surgeries and...and...and...
A young man at the retreat who was quite quiet most of the weekend said at the closing circle, something that sung in my ear.
He said " I feel like I have waited my whole life to experience something like this."
He wasn't speaking about cancer, he meant to experience people letting their guards down and just loving each other and accepting each other without judgement. Truly forming bonds, real, raw relationships.
He was right.
I am so grateful that I was able to experience this.
I am forever changed.
I walk away with a clear understanding on how fragile life is, but how beautiful death can be, if you just live richly while you are here.
Grace.
I walk away with 32 new friends and the ENORMOUS desire to help.
To help YACC fund raise, to help other young adults affected by cancer.
I haven't scratched the surface. I can't explain what happened last weekend so I really shouldn't even try, but I will tell you that...
I am forever changed and,
I filled up to the brim with love.

New issues.

Sun is out and I am feeling strong and happy!
It is hard not to remember that last year at this time I was walking around with a walker and today I spent the day digging 4ft holes for building our fence!
We are planning a little yard reno.
We have a gorgeous 1/4 acre yard and we hardly use it!
It is sloped and that makes it tough to sit outside and use the space.
There is a good chunk of lawn that is flat but it is a fenced dog run.
So, we decided to fence the entire yard and open up the dog run so we can use it for a patio and fire pit etc....
The little hair shop is going quite well.
I feel like I am building a strong clientele base and the walk ins have been steady.
However, I still struggle with anxiety when I have a slower day.
It all comes from insecurities I think??
I just have to stop myself from feeling that way and have trust that I will be taken care of as I have my entire life. God hasn't let me down.
The wigs have been selling like mad and I am loving that aspect of business.
I love making people feel beautiful and giving them the gift of confidence which is on a whole nother level when it comes to hair loss.
In 2 weeks my husband and I are off to Vancouver for The Young Adult Cancer Retreat.
It is a free getaway for cancer survivors and those living with cancer under 40.
I look forward to some delayed healing as I feel I have put some of my healing on the back burner just to enjoy life for a bit in remission.
However, taking that step back from cancer has made my issues present themselves, and I need to address them before they grow.
Like I said before, insecurities have been a BIG problem.
I feel like I am WAY more insecure than I ever was, and I wonder why this is.
The strange thing too is that I am not even talking about being insecure about getting ill again. It's about my looks, my face, my personality, people liking me, being accepted, being a good hairdresser, being a good cook....etc.
It's like when I achieve and have something to feel good about, a little voice in my head tells me something else. It slags me and tells me something that makes me feel bad or question myself, or gives me something to stress over.
It won't just let me be happy.
What is this all about??
You'd think, seeing the light would have shown me the important things in life! Well, it has...it HAS. But for some reason, even though I know I need to love myself and enjoy life, I just can't stop the anxiety and insecurities...
I am going to bring it up at the retreat but I may also sign up for some more counselling when I get home too.
I will figure it out and work through it.
I am enjoying my few days off and tomorrow I am going to take my daughter to the library, get a latte and come home to keep the digging going.
I am determined to get the yard done before I host my husband's 35th birthday party on the 23rd.
And, well, you know what happens when I am determined!!