sorrow.

Today is the day the genetic counselor will say the magic words
"You have (or don't have) the BRCA1 breast cancer gene."
Though everyone has already told me there is a very slim chance that I DON'T have it...I am clinging to that small chance.
This week has been very hard for me. I had to SQUEEZE Herceptin into my schedule and it STILL got in the way of me working and making $300. I was resentful to say the least.
Then I really started thinking about my oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) and I started to get depressed.
I guess it began when I received a letter from my Oncologist in Kelowna. She wrote that it is a good idea to have them out and there is no point in waiting til I am older, as long as I am done having kids.
Then I read that this procedure (including the removal of my fallopian tubes because of the new discovery that ovarian cancer actually starts in the tubes) has serious consequences. I read that (quote)

Removal of ovaries causes hormonal changes and symptoms similar to, but generally more severe than, menopause
Women younger than 45 who have had their ovaries removed face a mortality risk 170% higher than women who have retained their ovaries.
AND THE GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL....
Oophorectomy significantly impairs sexual well-being. Substantially more women reported libido loss, difficulty with sexual arousal, and vaginal dryness and hormone replacement therapy was not found to improve these symptoms.
(WIKPEDIA)
Now I am hoping that these statements are false...because the thought that there is truth in them has brought me to tears every night this week. I am like a leaky faucet and tears won't stop seeping from my eyes.
I am sad. really, really sad.
I am sad that cancer has already taken my breasts, that I can no longer feel anything touch my new breasts and I have scars all over my body. And now cancer might take my female organs. I feel very sad about this.
What if I don't feel like a woman after the surgery.
What if it does cause me to die young?
What if it does ruin my sex life?
Why me.
I have had enough.
enough for today.
enough this year.
enough.



(turned out they called and arranged a phone appointment for the following week...see the next entry)

Diving into it all....

Before I was diagnosed, I didn't think I would be the type to embrace my disease..to wrap it around me and wear it for life.
I kind of thought that type of behavior was pathetic and even unhealthy.
I mean who would be faced with an illness and then once cut free of it, choose to keep it part of your life?
Well, keep your friends close and your enemies closer!
I know that cancer is not WHO I am, but I know that I had some serious chats with God over the last 9 months and I know that I have a duty.
Not even just an obligation, but I have been touched by the disease and knowing there are so many out there feeling that hopelessness that I felt, I just cannot sit back and keep quiet.
I need to help.
It is impossible not to!
I didn't sit down and plan out a future in advocating and sharing my story and helping out. It just naturally happened and it's getting bigger everyday!
I think it's a bit addicting.
In a way you could argue that it isn't even a charitable action, it is actually kind of selfish... I do it because it makes ME feel good to help.
I guess in this case of selfishness, everybody wins.
Since my diagnosis I have reached out to many women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer...emails and care packages and advice.
I have stepped right in to my support group, smothering myself all over those ladies and their kind hearts.
I spoke on the radio a few weeks ago...telling my story on the air, to kick off breast cancer awareness month and a local fundraiser.
I am off to Toronto next weekend for the Young Woman's Breast Cancer Conference...eager to learn what I can do in our community to help out.
I am considering becoming a facilitator for our breast cancer support group in the new year...
I am starting up a WIG business within Renaissance (the current hair salon I am working in)
I guess you can say I am staying involved...
I thought in the beginning, that this cancer would be something I would want to "wash my hands of", However, I think my biggest fear was letting cancer win.
If it didn't take my life, then the next worst thing would be that it would scar me and leave me deflated.
Because of that fear, I chose to learn something from cancer. I took it and squeezed every last bit of good I could get out of it.
I will continue to keep my cancer experience close...
but from now on it will be because I CHOOSE to.

Pumped!

Planning on getting my "WIG" training next month from the best lady in Calgary...look out! Soon I will be offering WIGS and WIG SERVICES at Renaissance in Nelson for anyone in the area..
cancer patients, alopecia, and for just plain old fun and beauty!
Can't wait!
If you live in Nelson...spread the news!!

Petition

I have been reading the blog of a girl I went to high school with.
She was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago.
She has been pushing through treatment ever since.
Her oncologist started her on a drug that isn't apparently covered by Alberta Health Care...well, here, so I don't get the story wrong, I will let you read for yourself...

I am currently on my fourth round of a chemotherapy called Xeloda with a targeted Her2 therapy called Tykerb. Tykerb has just recently come out of trial and is available for prescription. I was taken back when my doctor advised that Tykerb is not funded by the Alberta government. Alberta Oncologists have been pressuring the government to cover the drug but have not been successful. When I saw my doctor on September 30th I once again voiced my concern that this drug is not covered. He encouraged me to write a letter to the Premier and the Minister of Health and Wellness as the drug is fully covered in Saskatchewan and Nova Scotia.

A 30 day supply of Tykerb costs $3,496.57! I am fortunate to have some coverage through private insurance and the drug company has a drug assistance program, but this drug should be fully covered by the government just like it has covered Herceptin (the first line of defense against Her2 positive breast cancer).



Now most of you know that I am taking Herceptin for my breast cancer treatment and I haven't had to blink an eye at any expense related...I agree with my friend that this is something that needs to be covered. I am also aware that many drugs take far too long to get thru the "red tape" to be readily available to patients.
My friend is starting a petition to send to the Minister of Health and Wellness and I am going to help her. Please either stop by my house or workplace to sign the petition, OR email me (meganshair@gmail.com) and I can get you a copy of the petition for YOU to collect signatures as well, every single one counts!

APPARENTLY BEING A BC RESIDENT I CANNOT COLLECT BC SIGNATURES ON THIS MATTER, PLEASE IF YOU LIVE IN ALBERTA EMAIL ME AND I WILL GET YOU A COPY OF THE PETITION TO SIGN AND COLLECT SIGNATURES...THANK YOU!

Work

So here I am. One year ago this month I found my lump.
I have been thru thousands of needles, many-a-tests, 6 chemo treatments, 5 Herceptin treatments, 3 surgeries, and more doctors appointments than I can count.
And here I am!
Back to work and loving life.
I spent the year reflecting on life.
What I was liking in my life and what I was not.
I reflected on what I want my life to look like if I was given the chance to survive my cancer.
Having faced the threat that my life could realistically be taken from me, sure made me take a good hard look at my life and what I wanted, needed from it.
What is the one thing that consumes the majority of our days?
Career.
This was a big focus for me this year.
I ultimately decided that I missed my identity of "creative"/"hairdresser" Megan.
I missed having a talent that made me different from everyone else.
I missed being really good at something.
I missed the feeling of reward at the end of the day, making so many people so very happy.
So I am back to work.
I was given a position at Renaissance Hair Co. on Baker Street in Nelson.
www.renaissancehair.vpweb.ca
I absolutely adore the girls that I work with, the work space is peaceful and beautiful and I am already SO BUSY!
It's hard to remember where I came from this past year, when I am caught up in the hustle and bustle of a workday...sometimes that worries me. That I am pushing myself too hard, or if I forget for a second that I had cancer, it might come back...this is all part of the psychological healing.
The bottom line is I am happy when I am there. I enjoy doing what I do, and I am providing for my family again...
So, if any reader live in Nelson...no excuses! Come book an appointment with me, and experience a hair stylist with a real PASSION for what they do!

Being Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving (in Canada)
It is a day to truly acknowledge what we are thankful for and express our gratitude with laughs, cheers, good food and loved ones.
This may be my new favorite holiday.
I am the thankfullest of all this year.
I will never again wake to a day without first acknowledging what I am thankful for.
Cheers to you all, I hope you have a great day full of love!

Quotes for the Day:

If I have the belief that I can do it,
I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it...
even if I may not have it,
at the beginning.


When one door of happiness closes,
another opens,
but often we look so long at the closed door,
that we do not see,
the one that has opened for us.


Small opportunities ,
are often,
the beginning of,
great enterprises!


Our senses become dulled
by the stresses of our career and personal lives...
Today, choose to go for a walk outdoors,
and let the breeze blow your cares away.