Un-FREAKING-believable!

This may just be the most important post I make in the history of this blog.
It most certainly will be my favorite post I ever make.
While chatting on the phone with my sister this afternoon, I got a beep from call waiting.
I clicked to the other line and it was a nurse from the chemo room at the hospital.
I had left a message a few days ago inquiring if they had received my Pathology report results from my mastectomy.
She quickly proceeded to tell me that there was "No sign of cancer found in any tissue from either breast, nor was there any cancer found in any of the lymph nodes they pulled (11 total).
These words were the light at the end of the tunnel I have been focused on all year...the thought that the utter hell I have been through this year has finally paid off, brought me to tears!
I sobbed uncontrollably form sheer relief and joy.
Now I can Believe that I am cancer free and continue my life without fear of metastisizing.
I thank all of my friends and family for their support and prayers...
most of all I thank GOD.
I am a believer, and that will never change.
Grateful.

Cancer & Intimacy

Yep, I'm gonna blog about this "sometimes uncomfortable" topic, soooo... if you don't feel comfortable hearing about it, stop reading now!

The bottom line is that this is a HUGE issue, especially with cancer in young adults.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought a lot about it. I worried that I wouldn't be having sex with my husband for the entire length of my treatment! He would cheat on me for sure!! A whole YEAR without intercourse!!
That wasn't the case, but there have been ups and downs (pardon the pun) and different issues for sure, here are some of them.

Before chemo started I was pushed by my doctor to get a "port a cath" which is a surgically implanted access disk they place under your chest, so that they don't have to poke you every time they inject chemo. I refused. For me, I refused it because (not only am I a chicken and dodge any surgery I can but...) I instantly had an image of me naked in front of my husband, bald, boobless, pale and with this "Alien-like" implant sticking out of my body. I couldn't have it. There was a lot of unattractive stuff coming my way, I wanted to limit it as much as possible. I needed to keep myself looking as "normal" as possible in order to get thru this year with the least amount of trauma. I knew that if I looked too sick, I would not want to be intimate and this was a big deal for me. So I refused the port and this was the first real time that cancer had an impact on my sex life. **(Please note that I do NOT think a port is disgusting, I am not saying that in any way...but for me, I was afraid it would freak me out when I looked at it, it was my own choice for ME only.)

My first week of chemo, the nurses told me..."Make sure you don't have intercourse within 48hrs after a chemo treatment, as your bodily fluids are radio-active". this was TOO MUCH! My husband and I laughed when we heard this...I thought, REALLY? Am I going to feel like having sex RIGHT after a chemo treatment? The mental image was quite disturbing!!

Chemo months were ok though...not as sexually active as "pre-cancer life" because I just wasn't feeling great a lot of the time, but there were still a decent amount of good moments. In fact, because cancer is so emotional and there is a lot of fear about mortality and such, cancer can really bring you together with your partner and there were some intimate moments over the last few months, that were VERY special and emotional for me. In some ways, the disease made the sex have much more meaning. Sometimes it's not the quantity, it's the quality.

I had some issues with feeling attractive with my bald head. My husband said it never bothered him, but I couldn't help but feel like I lost a lot of my femininity with my hair loss. I never tried making love with a wig on, but I am sure one could and it may even be fun! I just turned out the lights and hoped he wouldn't feel my bald head....all that said, when you lose your hair on your head, you lose the hair all over your body...it's a perk to not have to shave your legs and...etc. Smooth!

I know for some women chemo can put you into menopause. Though this didn't happen to me, I have read many times, that it is common to have vaginal dryness and some discomfort during intercourse. There are many websites with tips on these issues....

The hardest part for me is right now.
I am post surgery and I worry about my confidence in the future when I am feeling well enough to get things back on track with my husband. I worry that he has seen too much of the freaky, gross stuff (drains, scabs, holes in my body, stitches, bruises, blood) that he is going to be permanently turned off from me.
I worry that he won't find my new body attractive. Not because it doesn't look attractive, because it does! But because it isn't my real breasts...it is going to creep him out? Do I repulse him? I mean I went from a size 4 hot little thing when we fist met to what I am now...it's a BIG change and it sucks.
Sometimes I feel like a freak.
A lot of the reason I chose the Tram surgery is because I have never liked the idea of implants and I know my husband has never found the idea of them attractive. He is very against Plastic Surgery and has always said it was a turn off. So, I am hoping that the results from my surgery will be natural enough for him to feel like it is still me.
I know in my heart he loves me, I know that he isn't superficial, but I just pray that this year of hell hasn't stripped me of my self confidence and stripped Kerry of his physical attraction to me.
Hopefully we can continue our "pre-cancer" life together, and hopefully it will be better than ever.

UPDATE

Went to BBQ with friends last night.
Felt good.
Took off bra for first real time in a week last night
Feels good, don't need it on 24 hrs a day anymore.
Had a good sleep.
Went to the bathroom this morning...
pretty sure my hemorrhoids are healing once and for all...
it's gonna be a good day.

Feeling Good!

My posts might be a little boring for the next little while, as my life is just that right now.
However, I will continue to journal as it is good for me and I know if anyone is going thru a Tram surgery, then reading how someone else is recovering and feeling always helps.
I am feeling quite good today, both mentally and physically.
My mom left today to go back to Calgary and took my son with her. Now I am left on my own with my daughter. My husband is obviously here, but working during the days, so it will be a bit of a test to see how I do on my own. The only thing that bothers me is the inability to clean house properly due to my lack of mobility....but thankfully I have a great friend who is a house cleaner and I will gladly pay her to help me out.
I sit here on my couch, everything is quiet for the first time in weeks and it is kind of nice to be alone with my thoughts. I will miss my mom, she did such a good job of taking care of me, but I am ready to get a bit busier, it is in my nature to want to take care of things and keep busy.
I am looking forward to tonight as I am going to a friends house for a bbq and can't wait to sit outside and have a drink with friends.
I woke up the other day with some new bruising on my right breast. It was shocking to me because I haven't had much bruising yet. I became a little worried and was trying to get a hold of someone last night, just to be sure it wasn't anything to be concerned about. Unfortunately I couldn't get a hold of anyone until today. It seems that it is normal. There can be deep lying bruises under the surface that don't make their way up to be seen until quite some time after surgery. This was a relief as I knew I didn't bang it on anything and I was hoping it wasn't some kind of complication.
I am feeling skinnier these days which is a nice change. Even with my swollen arms, I feel like I look thinner, my belly is so flat, it hasn't looked like that in years! My breasts are looking great too, they are just the right size, very similar to before, yet they stand up nicely on their own! The only thing that is weird is the incision around the nipple. The main incision line is where the areola used to be. It is circular around the nipple and it still looks a bit "Frankenstein" to me. I know it will fade nicely as I have seen photos. In fact, the massage team is coming over today to show me how to manage my scars and incisions. I will be using ice and vitamin E oil to massage and prevent noticable scarring.
I have been reading Tram Flap discussion boards and it is always fun to hear that most women need to go out and buy new pants after they heal, because the old ones are too big! This is great for me because, I have a closet FULL of clothes I have been waiting to fit into again...so....kepp your fingers crossed!

Another Day.

Just woke up (11:30pm) from a two and a half hour Gravol nap!
I hope I can get back to sleep!
I woke up feeling quite good after a long sleep last night.
I decided I wanted to attempt a short visit to our street market.
Nelson has the best little markets with crafts and music and homegrown or home baked foods.
It was sunny out and my mom loaded my daughter and I into her convertible and we set in for town. It was nice to get some vitamin D!
I fared pretty well at the market, slowly strolling around looking at booths. It was nice to have a reason to dress up a bit (anything more than a sports bra and shorts).
I bought some fresh homemade raspberry juice, some rainbow radishes and my mom bought a bag of Kettle Corn and some molasses cookies.
When we got home later, I felt pretty good, but I was a little sore in the back and a bit swollen again. The massage ladies showed up, on time at 4:00pm and gave me ANOTHER great massage.
When they left at 5:00, I got up and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner, as I was doing this I ate a molasses cookie and nibbled on tomato, cucumber and some cheese.
We all dished up and began eating, when I suddenly didn't feel good.
I ran to my room and proceeded to throw up and have diarrhea.
It was the oddest thing, it lasted about an hour and then my husband gave me 2 Gravol and it went away.
I felt fine until 9:00, when I got really tired and went to bed, now I am up and having a snack.
I am not sure what brought this sickness on, but it was like a mini flu!
I am glad it was short lasted as retching after a stomach surgery is NOT pleasant. I was quite worried it was going to have been food poisoning, but I am sure if it were, it would have lasted a lot longer than an hour. Maybe it was the massage?? Or the molasses cookie didn't sit well??
Who knows, I will try to get back to sleep now.
Tomorrow is a new day!

Turning Corners

Turning Corners.
Not in the literal sense, well, I guess that too.
What I mean is that my life right now is solely focused on little improvements and turning corners.
I have had an interesting last few days.
It has been very dark actually.
Life fades in and out of sunny hope to dark helplessness.
It is hard to see the bad when I was laying immobilized in a critical care unit 2 weeks ago, things have improved so much since then. However...
It is hard to see the good, when all I see in the mirror are the effects from cancer, and all I feel is pain and discomfort.
It is hard to be happy when it is summer and everyone is out being inspired and enjoying the world, and I, who used to be the MOST motivated, is stuck inside, with nothing to do that makes me feel valuable. It is hard.
And so last night I cried on my husbands shoulder. It has been a while.
I try to be strong, as I am starting to see the cancer is wearing on him. He has been a trooper but is getting worn out.
But I couldn't help it, I hugged him and cried and it helped.
He hugged me back and it instantly gave me relief and the energy I needed to focus on the good again.
Whether it be 5 minutes more of movement a day, the removal of a bandage, learning to sleep on my side, or and emotional turning point....
it all matters, it is all part of the healing.
I am turning corners, slowly, but I am turning corners nonetheless.

Restless Leg Syndrome and Massage

I have been fortunate enough to have been included in a detailed massage class, where the practicum began the day I got home form my surgery. I have had, everyday, students with varying degrees of healing experience, some Reiki, some Cranio Sacral Therapy, and some Accupressure. They have decided to take this course (instructed by my massage therapist) to add to their healing skills.
Though, the phone calls and people in and out has been a bit exhausting, the treatments have been worth it!
I had a treatment yesterday afternoon that made me turn a corner.
Hours after the treatment, I had feeling in my arms and chest like I haven't had before...
Sensation! The ability to move around like I have never had! Most of my pain subsided and by bedtime, I was moving like crazy!!
Almost, too much in fact!
I couldn't sleep last night, because I couldn't keep still! I was so tired, but my legs wanted to stretch, and my arms wanted to bend and feel all of the cold spots on the bed. It was like I was bound in a cocoon for years and was let out suddenly!
It was very annoying though, when I did want to sleep. Finally, I fell asleep at 2:00am but still tossed and turned until 8:00 this morning, where I still felt the symptoms.
I was even lying on my side last night!! I was doing things I couldn't dream of doing before that treatment and I think my body was just so excited, it wanted to move!!
Because I still have some limited mobility (lying on stomach) it is a bit annoying to have made this huge jump in healing, only because my body doesn't to hold back at all. I feel like a Robot with faulty wires!
Today I am going into town to chat with a doctor about this and see if there is something I can take for it, if it comes back...I will continue to feel grateful for the massages and fast healing and try to keep improving my mobility!
Ta-ta for now.