I have been home in Nelson now for 2 days. It has been 7 days since surgery.
Overall, I can't complain too much.
Yesterday we drove home from Kelowna (4.5hrs) and thought the car ride didn't feel uncomfortable, I think I paid for it last night. At about 10pm, I was in agony, swollen tight chest and swollen tight, sore arms. My husband got out the coconut oil and gave me a massage on those areas. Our highly educated massage therapist friend instructed (over the phone) to my husband to rub my arms upward toward the heart, basically trying to push the fluid build up to the heart so it can be pumped out through the kidneys. She also recommended to keep my arms elevated, and she was right, instant relief then and all day today with that tip.
I had 2 more drains pulled today in my bed in 33 degree weather!
I lay there sweating my butt off and though the first drain was completely painless, the second was excruciating! I screamed so loud I think my neighbors must have heard, and then instant tears...
Apparently scar tissue had formed over the drain hole and she basically had to rip it open with the tugging....YIKES! I hope tomorrow's drains (the last 2) won't be painful. They are on my upper thigh and go into my abdomen, it seems like a less painful place. I am scared, but feel like it will be ok, just looking forward to getting them out and all of this over with.
Just sitting here waiting for my massage therapist to show up to rub my arms and chest, which will feel really nice.
I will blog again soon...she's here!!
ciao.

MILESTONES

Just sitting here thinking about how far I have come in a week.
For any of you considering this surgery, looking at the milestones I have overcome will give you some insight as to how this surgery is...

Most Noteworthy Milestones over the last week...

1. Walking into the hospital on the morning of surgery.
2. Laying myself on the surgical table minutes before surgery (the ultimate surrendering of body and control)
3. Keeping it together for the first hours post surgery (mental control)
4. Using my hands for the first time and small movements of arms.
5. Moving my legs and being able to bend up my knees.
6. Having someone sit me up on the edge of my bed.
7. Laying back down into bed from sitting.
8. Being able to brush my own teeth.
9. Being able to feed myself.
10. Standing for the first time.
11. Walking from the bed to the chair (with walker) for the first time (4 feet)
12. Sitting in a chair that wasn't my bed.
13. Being able to slightly turn my body from one side to the other in bed (this one I am still working on)
14. Walking (with walker) from bed to nursing station (8 feet)
15. Doing a lap around my ward with walker
    
16. Walking with out walker (8 feet)
17. Getting in a vehicle
18. Walking up and down stairs (with rail)
19. Lying myself into bed without any help (last night for the first time)
20. Getting up and out of bed without any help (yesterday for the first time)

So you can see from above how limited mobility one has after this surgery...but you can also see how quickly one can turn corners. Everyday there is a new milestone I accomplish thanks to my body's cooperation, it helps keep me motivated.
Next goal? Break Dancing...
It may be a while..
:)

Who says "walkers" aren't sexy?

So, I have managed to weasel my way out of the hospital ALREADY!! And really, I didn't even have to "weasel" my way out...it was my surgeon's idea!! I was moved yesterday afternoon from the SCCU (critical care unit) where I had my own room, FAB nurses who babied me and made me feel like I was at the Shangri-La...to the regular old crowded hospital room and it was GHETTO! I'm sorry but the hospital was sooo busy, so I was put in a room with 3 other people. A chill guy awaiting surgery...A crazy voluptuous Russian cougar who had done something to her finger, was in there for 16 days and from the minute I stepped into the room till I left 19 hours later she just would NOT stop saying how excited she was to be checking out today...she was the epitome of cuckoo! And the third lady....non stop all night moaning and crying about her sore legs and her need for more pain meds...plus she had black toes and one was missing, so every time I looked straight ahead, I saw her mangled feet...(I know, it's mean, but it was horrible!)
So needless to say, when my surgeon came in and said I could leave today, I was shocked, but happy!!
Plus, you don't get much help in this ward...I had a nurse come in and hand me a basin of water. a towel and a new gown and tell me to clean myself up. I can't even SIT up in bed without help!! So I decided, it WOULD be best for my healing to leave early. I am now in the basement suite my mom and Kerry rented for the week, and we will stay here for 2 nights and come home in a few days.
It has been a challenge, I move VERY slowly and hunched over, and it is hard to do anything for myself...but I have a walker and when I am sitting or laying, I don't feel ANY pain and feel in good spirits. I am just so glad to have this major thing over with!!
Surgery ended up being 12 hours long but my body has been fab at healing and cooperating. Every scary thing that has come up (drains removed, first time standing up etc) I have just thought, "I just made it through a 12 hr surgery, I can do this. I can handle anything!!" My body looks so great so far. I expected to look like Frankenstein, but all I have is 2 small incisions under each breast, 2 new nipples with a few stitches, and an incision on my lower belly (not much bigger than a cesarean) my belly looks flat and all of my stretch marks are gone, and my boobs look good! I hope they don't change too much over time, I like them! All of the nurses keep saying how amazing they are and I have no bruising or real swelling, so that's good.
I am just happy the cancer has been removed (if there was any left, I will find out next week) and I don't have much worry now of having recurrence. My chances have gone down drastically....I am so grateful to my friends, family and especially my husband and mom, for taking such good care of me and all of the love and support for this hurdle. Thank you all! (I even got a new engagement ring from Kerry when I was in the hospital!! (it's amazing!)
So though, the next few weeks will be a challenge to heal my body and learn how to move again...I am just beaming that my journey is coming to an end. I feel like even through all of the hell I have endured...I am coming out on top and a far happier, healthier, BETTER person.
I am so grateful.
<3>

That was a DOOZIE!

The night leading up to the big day I was definately scared...waves of strength, anxiety, peace and panic flashed in and out of my body. The morning of, I woke up at 4am, listened to my pre-surgical meditation CD and had my antibiotic shower. I was terrified, and sad. Also excited for all of these feelings to be gone once and for all. I walked into the hospital, got into a gown, was told to wash again with the pink anitbacterial soap anf went out to the waiting room to wait. That's when panic hit. I felt like I was going to throw up and I started crying....I looked around and wished I was the other people getting a wrist surgery or a minor thing like that. But I wasn't, I was me and here I was.
Sfter trying to convince the interviewer to give me Adivan (she said no) and answering a million questions I have already answered before...my surgeon decided to mark me with his JIFFY. While he did this he took photos and reassured me I would be ok...when they took me into the operating room, it was small and stuffy and very cold. I layed on the table and they gave me and IV and I asked if I would be getting an epidural and he said "No, we don't really do that much anymore, there isn't much point" and next I knew, I was out cold.
I had tried visualizing a 6 hr surgery for myslef. I didn't want it to be too long...so I thought I could convince my body to cooperate and keep it short. I was wrong, it was 12 hours long.
I woke up to the feeling of chaos, moving and lot's of voices. Instatntly, I vomited...I began gagging and wretching, and yo can imagine, after having your ab muscle removed from your body, that didn't feel very great...they cleaned me and tugged at me and lifted me, and finally I was in a bed able to feel relativley comfortable. The clock read 9:45. It wasn't very fun. I stayed in the recovery room for the first 2 nights because they needed to watch me and there wasn't any beds in the ICU. It's not very nice there, but my first nurse was awesome. So sweet. I wish these "special nurses" knew how we felt about them, but before you know it they are gone and there is a new one. I have had 3 awesome and 2 terrible and a fe in between....
I have since been moved to the SCCU (surgical coronary critical unit) so that they can monitor me closely. They want to make sure my new "flaps" (new boobs) take to my body. They come every hour and tap on then to see what color they are.
Moving has been hard...the first time I stood up was so painful, I thought I couldn't do it again....then I slept and did it the next day and moved to a chair and then today I walked a bit, sat in a chair and had 2 dangling moments with my feet off of the bed. I feel good about it, though I am nervous about how I will be able to leave here and go home in 3-4 days and function. I am also nervous about them taking my drains out. So far I have 6 drains...2 on each side of my breast and on on each side of my belly. I heard it hurts to have them removed. I hope I am wrong on this one. Staying in this ward in nice. I have a private room and a personal nurse, though no one other than immediate family can visit me here, and there are a few pwople I would like visits from, but not until I get moved to my public room, hopefully tomorrow.
I will keep writing to keep you up dated, but life is pretty boring here, I sleep 85% of the time and the rest I am getting needles, meds, drains cleaned, catheder drained...blah blah blah. However! The morphine makes for wicked dreams!!
Ciao for now,
Dreamer

Surgery Preparation and Distractions

Well if you ever read this blog, you would be quite aware that I have been struggling with great anxiety over my upcoming TRAM FLAP surgery.
This surgery is an 8-10 hr surgery involving 2 surgeons. One removes my breasts, the other gives me a tummy tuck, removes one of my stomach muscles and transplants it onto my chest making new breasts from my belly fat and muscle.
Over the last week, I have come a long way with over coming my fear.
I bought a "Pre Surgery" CD by Martin .L. Rossman M.D and have been meditating with it.
Relaxing and visualizations of my body healing fast and efficiently.
It works so well, that I think I am actually healing my hemorrhoid that I have had for the last 2 months!
I feel a lot more calm, less panic attacks, more peace about it all. At moments, even an excitement about the closure and of course a new body.
It will take a lot of strength to walk into that hospital Wednesday morning, get marked up with a bic marker, knowing it is where my cuts will be, and of course, laying on the metal slab calmly before they knock me out for an entire day.
I will focus on being relaxed and calm as I go under.
I will focus on trusting my body. Trusting that it knows how to react under the knife.
Trusting my vessels to keep the blood away during the cutting and drawing the blood back to the site, once I am sewn back up.
Trusting the surgeons and medical team that have trained their entire lives to aid me in this obstacle.
Trust.
I may or may not blog before I go in to surgery...so if I don't PLEASE, PLEASE pray for me on Tuesday night and Wednesday during the day.
I will post an update at the earliest time possible post-surgery...
<3

Repetitive Words

I haven't been writing as much as I used to.
The main reason for that is, I haven't been experiencing any new thoughts or feelings.
I didn't want to bother you with repetitive words.
But this blog is not just for you to read, it is, and begun as my personal journal.
Therefore, I will pour out my feelings over and over again until it feels better, even if they are the same feelings for 5 years straight.
I found this girl on the Young Canadian Cancer website.
She had a profile explaining her ordeal with breast cancer at a young age.
I instantly liked her and could relate to her attitude on the disease.
We have emailed a bit since I read her profile and when I was explaining to her the "sometimes lack of enthusiasm" I have for being done treatment, she put it into perfect words for me...

"I think from diagnosis to end of surgery/chemo/rad treatment, i was a soldier and just did what i was told and didn't think about it.. but as soon as they were like "okay, all clear!"
I let myself realize what had happened (cancer) and had a mini freak out.

This is the epitomy of what has been going on in my head.
No offense to my friends and family, but everyone keeps high fiving me like I just got over a flu and now I can be totally normal again, and it just isn't like that.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I can celebrate being done chemo and that, but in general the fear is still real, my body has been beat down....(did you know, I could barely carry my groceries in the other day? And at the relay, I couldn't walk for longer that 30 min at a time??)
This disease had affected me, it has taken it's toll on my body and my mind. It has changed me forever.
I know it's a lot easier for my peers to deal with it by just pretending it's over with (like "thank god, now we can just go back to normal, that was akward!) but the reality is the post traumatic stress from cancer has been referred to as being a significant as someone who has been to war or raped.
Now I am not saying what I have been through is as bad as that. I have never experienced either. What I think this doctor was getting at is that, if you pluck a soldier out of war and his violent horrific surroundings and bring him home, it doesn't mean he is going to be back to normal.
What he experienced is real. He will have emotional scars from fear and trauma. He will have physical scars from the battle. He will forever be changed.
It will take time for me to feel fully like myself again. Maybe I will never feel the same as I did pre-cancer. Maybe that's a good thing, because for the most part, I feel like I have become a better person from it.
But sometimes, I just want to feel normal again.

Massages Make The World Go 'Round'

I was given a gift certificate for a massage quite a while back, from my in-laws.
I didn't use it for months because a massage therapist once told me that massage can spread your cancer.
Still not sure if that is true or not, everyone says something different...
All I know is massage feels good, and I am living to "Do what feels good!"
However, I did wait until chemo was over with and I called up the massage therapist.
She is very well known in our town for her outstanding contribution to almost every cause in the city and she has now specialized in palliative massage and massage for people with health issues, or people just out of surgery who cannot lay down....she even does massage for dogs!
Anyway, I had a fantastic massage from her and since have been booked in 3 more times.
We both agree that massage will relax and loosen up my body which will prove very beneficial for my surgery. As well, it has been a consistent hour of relaxed meditative time for me to focus on healing and having a healthy, successful surgery.
Last night she came to my home and taught my kids how to do massage on me. She really believes that as soon as I get home from Kelowna I should be receiving massage in order to keep blood flowing, prevent blood clots, relax the tight muscles that I will be using to avoid using the others...in general it is just a good idea.
So not only have my kids learned how to massage (they could use a little muscle power) but she has a group of students that will be coming out to my home on a regular basis, post-surgery, to work on me.
In some ways, I feel apprehensive about this...will it be too painful, do I want a bunch of strangers in my home seeing me all bandages up...
but, I think, in general, it will be very therapeutic, and in a way, is something to look forward to!