Dream Creator

I AM still writing...

2012-02-14T17:09:00.000-08:00

I am still writing regularily...
Just not always in Blog form.
It's hard to speak truths when so many are reading.
Here is a piece I wrote that was featured on a medical website recently:

http://multimed.current-oncology.com/patients/cancerful-friends/

My date with 2012

2012-01-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

2012
It's gotta be a good one.
I have been slugging thru my life lately.
Not really enjoying much.
I guess on the surface level, it's ok, but those under layers?
They are hardened and sad and worried.
Compromised majorly.

I am sick of being sad.
I am sick of having bad news all of the time.
I feel like Pig Pen from Peanuts, followed by a dark mass of filth, everywhere I go.
.
I have been having regular panic attacks.
Actual panic attacks lately.
I think the post traumatic stress has caught up and has been amplifyed by the recent deaths, and diagnosis' around me.
Not to mention uneccesary struggles and stresses in my job.
It's weighing.

It's making it hard to live, like actually LIVE!
I don't remember the last time I had a moment of clarity.
Smelled nature.
Noticed the details.
That's a sad thing.
But when your in the quick sand, it's hard to get out.

My last panic attack felt like I couldn't breath, and like my skin was crawling.
It took me back to my chemo days, and the same feeling then.
I had to get Kerry to stop the truck and let me out, but what do you do then?
You don't puke for relief,
You don't scream...it won't help,
scratch? no.
Hide? doesn't work.
Really it's an awful feeling.
It's especially awful when you are healthy, and should be happy and functioning normal.
But I guess it's a body's way of dealing with the build up of stresses in one's life.
My load is so heavy I can hardly hold it anymore.

The other day I wrote: My plate is too full. Please do not try to put anything else on it. It will break.

And my friend (quite cleverly) wrote back: You need one of those kids plates, with the seperators for the different things...it won't lessen the amount of food, but it will make it more managable.

I liked that.

I guess that is my focus for 2012.
Praying for financial security (Kerry to land a solid, well paying job once-and-for-all) so that I can take care of me.
Not work too much,
So I can take care of me.
More time with myself, my kids, my family in Calgary.

Organize my plate.
Organize my many plates.
So I can see clearly again....
I need to clean up this mess and clear the fog.
Get back to what matters.
I am grateful I know what that is at least.

My Mom. Diagnosis #3

2012-01-02T08:56:00.001-08:00

So, many of you know that a few months back I had a prophylactic (that means preventative, to prevent getting more cancer) hysterectomy.
As a BRCA1 gene carrier, my chances of ovarian cancer were around 40% (by the time I reach 70yrs of age) some even say the risks are higher...
So I went and had a total hysterectomy (we'll get to how that is going later).
And last month, my mother did the same.
Well, unfortunately, my mother already HAD ovarian cancer that was undetected in both her fallopian tube and her ovary.
So, her surgery was no longer prophylactic, but instead necessary.
The news came like a hammer to the head.
Same time of year that all of the other diagnosis' have come (almost to the exact day, which must be cursed) A month ago we were told that my mother now has ovarian cancer cause by her BRCA1 gene.
blank.
What do you say?
What do you THINK even?
What the hell do you do.
just awful.
When will it end?
WILL it ever end?
Why is this happening to us?
To anyone?
So much!
TOO much.
Way.to.much.
It's too much
I am pretty much speachless,
It has been a fog since I found out.
Mom is dealing with it better than I thought she would or SHOULD!
Though she says "no more chemo."....
I don't blame her really. It's awful stuff, and at this point, how much trust does she even have in it? She JUST finished chemo for her second breast cancer and this other cancer has been growing there this entire time! (and yes, the same drug taxol is used in both ovarian and breast, so it should have done something to the ovarian tumors)
Mom's surgery is on Tuesday, to see if the cancer has spread.
this is important news in determining her future.
Ovarian cancer is nasty, unforgiving and aggressive.
In my heart I feel like she'll be ok, but this 3rd fight is not a welcomed one.
She's had enough,
It's time for rest.
Time to enjoy the rest of her life, healthy.
I pray for this for her...
Until then, we sit and wait for Tuesday, and Tuesdays results.

more friends gone to cancer (the cancer drop-off)

2012-01-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

Blech.
The very thought of it creates a gigantic storm cloud around me and snuffs out all of my oxygen and masks all of my smiles.
Cancer has taken another life of a dear dear friend of mine.
A mentor.
It was her 2 year-post-first-time-cancer-recurrence that got her.
Stage four it was when they found it had come back.
She was terminal when I met her.
Though,
I don't like calling her terminal.
It's not fitting as she held more life in her last years than anyone else I have ever met.
Her rollercoaster was a long, glorious ride up peaking many times, each time, higher and brighter until finally she couldn't get any higher and she had a short sweet drop off.
I am glad she didn't suffer much
I am glad it was quick.
I will miss her more than she would have known.
She was my friend,
She was one person who knew exactly how I was feeling and what I have been going thru.
She was my go-to for motivation and reassurance
I do feel a bit lost without her.
I'm sure Ill find her one day
That fucked up game of Russian roulette that cancer survivors play everyday...
Is it back? what's this, what's that? Is it back, is it mets? Am I done? How long will I live? Will I live? Is it back....
who knows when, but I will find her one day.
Her and all of my friends.
At the cancer drop-off
in heaven.

Young Survivors Conference 2011- Ottawa

2011-12-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

A month or so ago Kerry and I flew to Ottawa for "cancer camp" part 2!!
Forgive my rephrasing, but it's one of those things, like if you are blind, you can make blind jokes....
And to be honest cancer camp isn't a slag, it's quite fitting really.
Gathering with peeps, just like yourself has a comforting quality, makes you feel like a kid again.
In a secret club,
that nobody will ever understand.
We are the secret superheros of the world.

Kerry (my husband, if you haven't followed) and I were like giddy teenagers on the days approaching this reunion.
So excited to be surrounded by the people who know!
I hesitate telling other people how deeply we feel about these gatherings as I never want to hurt feelings, but it really feels sometimes like everyday life I am an alien on another planet.
Interacting with everyone.
And when we get to be with our cancer peers, it's like we have come home.
To our planet.
Just a look in someones eye can speak volumes.
It's like we have super-cancer-sonic empathetic, telepathy.
And the minute we arrived at our hotel we were able to relax, and breathe a sigh of relief.
No more pretending everything is ok.
No more pretending we are "normal" (whatever that means)
No more .
It's funny too, how from the minute we arrived at the hotel you can almost always pick out the other young adults who are there to attend this conference.
I swear there is a soft bubble of energy (an aura-so-to-speak) around each of them (us)
Because this conference was not an actual retreat reunion, there were MANY new faces to us....but there were also many familiar.
Night one, we all gathered in the dining room for our first dinner together.
In a room of about 80 people, we were able to spot and greet many of our colleagues.
It was lovely.
The opening night was a run-down of the weekend, an ice-breaker activity and what we call at a YACC event "Opening Circle"
This is where we pass a string around the room. We all hold it (connecting us all) and we go around the room introducing ourselves, tell a little about who we are and possibly what we are hoping to get from our time spent there or just a word we are feeling.
Ok, i know this sounds cheesy, like an AA meeting or something emotionally intimidating like that, but it is a beautiful thing.
even my husband (who is anti-connecting with people's emotions or his own emotions) has been surprised by how wonderful this is. He is now seeking out a career where he can "connect with people's emotions"
He's a feel-a-holic.
There were may lymphomas, leukemias, a few brain cancers, one testicular, a bunch of breast, ovarian, cervical, bladder, liver and the (always) few rare 50-letter-long OMA'S that no one has ever heard of.
Many of us were in remission, there were (unsettlingly) many recurrences, a few in the middle of treatment and some terminal.
There were some poor folks who had (remember at the age of 40 or less) been diagnosed 4 times already!!!
Gulp.
Gives you perspective on how lucky you are.

Over the next few days we attend many seminars on various topics.
I chose to attend a seminar on Brain Fog
http://www.maximumcapacity.org/cancer.html
which was eye opening!!
Finally proof that I am not: a) Crazy b) getting Alzheimer's c) just plain rude
Please please, if you have had cancer (even if you haven't had chemo) or if you have suffered post traumatic stress (being a caregiver even) then look at this website. The old term Chemo-Brain has been erased because scientists have realized that this gap in your brain (and yes, it really exists, proven thru imaging) is not JUST from the meds we get but more so from the stress we are going thru from the overload of info and emotions we face with a diagnosis.
This seminar showed scientific proof that this condition exists and gave us many useful tools to help us fight it and exercise our brains back to normal.
So, hopefully soon I won't have anymore giant brain gaps when dealing with my clients, the public ("What's my birthday again?"), or when do regular daily tasks ("How do you spell yuor?")
We had an amazing guest speaker on exercise related to cancer...the stats on how much even a little exercise can prevent cancer (or recurrences) was astonishing.
We had a guess speaker on the medical community and how to advocate for yourself and your cause, it was brilliant....
Everyday there was small group sessions with about 6-8 of us where we could discuss issues, fears, personal things, things that make us happy or what have you. It was a great time to build tighter relationships with some amazing people.
It's always so sad to hear the feelings and fears of those faced with a stage four disease. But at the same time, their courage puts perspective into my life. Talk about a reality check on not sweatin' the small stuff!
On Saturday we were so lucky to be blessed with Geoff's Story. Geoff is the gentleman who started YACC. He is utterly amazing! He was twice diagnosed with Lymphoma and actually was in a coma (on his death bed) at one point and came back, to be a strong, healthy man even having children (which they said there was only a 1% chance of this happening)
Geoff's motto is: "1% is not 0%"
(Please read more about his story and YACC here: http://youngadultcancer.ca/organization/p/background/
He truly is a miracle...or maybe he is proof that perseverance, will to live and belief can make anything happen.
The speech he gave, lead us up to "The Climb".
The Climb is a physical walk or hike (or climb) that is different each year. It is symbolic of our courage and accomplishments.
When Geoff finally got out of the hospital after he almost died, he climbed Signal Hill (NFL) with his family and friends.
After he created YACC he decided to do "a Climb" annually and every year the number of young adults taking part grows and grows...
This year there was almost 90 of us walking 5km along the canal in Ottawa (let me tell you how beautiful a day it was!) and at the end of this walk we climbed several steep sets of stairs up to Parliament hill (The Parliament building).
It was an inspirational day, we talked and laughed and bonded with each other as we walked that 5km...and there were many ill survivors who really had to push themselves to make it happen and climb those stairs...it was very emotional to be a part of it and witness other people in that moment.
Once we made it to the top we all had 2 pennies and we threw them in the big flame and made 2 wishes...one for us and one for YACC....it was a special moment for me that I cannot share (don't cha know in order to make a wish come true it needs to remain a secret!)
We ended the day at the local pub for a pint or two and some laughs.
The end of this inspirational weekend was a dinner and dancing night at a local Italian Eatery. The food was amazing and the dancing and drinks was a hoot!
It was nice to wind down the weekend by letting loose and just being real. Having a real night out together.
Everyone got dressed up, the wigs came out and it was a blast!
Kerry and I looked out at the dance floor at one point and while witnessing a dance floor full of crazy (maybe even tipsy) cancer survivors/patients cutting up the floor, we couldn't help but chuckle "Oh my gosh, it's Cancer Gone Wild!"
It was so cute to see everyone just enjoying life and all I could think was "These bartenders probably heard they were working a cancer party and expected it to be depressing and lame and look at us!!! Right ON!!!"
The bottom line is we are all just regular people who have just faced something really shitty and really scary. We have all looked death in the face (even for a moment) and that has changed us, made us better, made us more beautiful, made us stronger, made us more self-aware, made us grateful, made us more wise, made our hearts grow bigger.
Like Superheroes.

I'm not gonna lie, when the weekend came to an end I felt sick.
I didn't want it to end.
And I could tell, Kerry felt the same.
Even though he doesn't talk much about his emotions, I know how much this support group means to him.
He finally can be surrounded by people who get it. And by beautiful people who genuinely just want to live...real, clean people. Pure people.
Our trip home was quiet as we both just absorbed the love we had just gathered...and both sat wondering,
When we could experience it again.

(ps: thank you to everyone who donated to make this happen for us and the other 80-some peolple who attended)

Blogging Binge

2011-12-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

So much has been happening that I haven't been keeping up with my posts...
To be honest, I was debating last night whether I close this Blog or not.
The thought of writing seemed to make me feel resentful.
Then I realized.
It's not the Blogging that is making me resentful,
It is the awful things that have been happening...
I am avoiding dealing with them.
So here I sit.
With so may things to get off my chest,
I guess I will have to have a blogging binge and kill a few things at once.

Life Lost

2011-10-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

Life Lost

Last week we lost another beautiful soul to breast cancer.
Brenda was a 30 something young woman whom I went to high school with.
Months into my own diagnosis, I was referred to her blog and was shocked by the fact that this collegue indeed had been fighting breast cancer as well.
Brenda was diagnosed in 2008 (a year before me) and had been blogging almost 2 years by the time I found her blog.
Having been diagnosed with an aggresive stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, her blog was very powerful.
I didn't know Brenda intimatley in high school but I always knew I liked her. Everyone did.
She was a beautiful girl who would shine her genuine smile all down the halls of our small town school.
She was the epitomy of good.
She played sports, accepted everyone, did well in school and was adored by many.

Brenda's Blog played a big part in my breast cancer journey and my healing.
I especially appreciated her strong faith in God and her stubborness (in which I can truly relate) Though I have never considered myself a religious person, I have always believed. And when I faced my own mortality last year, God really made himself present and he became impossible to ignore, so when Brenda speaks of her God and her relationship with him, I know we are speaking of the same being.
Brenda continued to get bad news after bad news and though she felt pain, she never backed down. She always stood strong to cancer and focused on the positive.
I tried to imitate that behaviour throughout my journey and continue to use her strength to motivate me on the tough days.
When I read that Brenda was losing her battle with cancer a month or so ago, my heart sank.
I knew it was always a possibility as her chemos kept letting her down but my heart ached.
My heart ached that Brenda had met the love of her life but would never be able to have children.
My heart ached that all she really wanred was to have children.
My heart ached for her husband, her sister and her friends and family.
It just seemed like such a travesty.
So, I sat, angry and sad....and all I could do, all I had to do, was use Brenda herself to make sense of the situation.

Looking at the picture from a completely different angle I realized that maybe I could look at this situation as a gift to Brenda.
The strongest connection, the most powerful source of love and light in Brenda's life is God...and now she gets to dive into that.
Brenda and her God, hand in hand for eternity.
She will be rewarded and at peace.
No more chemo, no more fear, no more pain.
Just love and light.
To one day be joined by her family and friends.

It is a sad loss, but I will always look to Brenda to inspire me.
Her life was lived with class and beauty and the light of her shines on,
everyday.

brendas blog
http://brendabreastcancer.blogspot.com/

Hyster-erical!

2011-09-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

15 days ago (really? already? wow.) I had my hysterectomy.
This week I worked just over 40 hrs and I feel fine!

Last week when I went in for surgery, I was pretty ok.
Having already gone thru a 12 hr surgery in the past, I was a little more tolerant of the idea of a 2 hr surgery. I was a little less afraid.

But I still had some little butterflies. Baby butterflies.
Butterflies nonetheless.
I always find the worst part of any surgery is the starvation process they put you thru.
I remember when I was a kid, being invited to other kids' church fasting events.
The thought of it was terrifying! And this was no different.
One strange thing that happened was an inncident that resembled post traumatic stress disorder.
I was all prepped to go in...not feeling very scared, and the nurse poked me a few unsuccesful times in the hand unable to place the IV....then she poked me in the hip with an anti-coagulant and I lost it.
It didn't really hurt or anything, and I have had thousands of needles...
but something in these 3 consecutive pokes triggered something in me.
I just lost it.
I realized in that moment, I have post traumatic stress from my year of cancer.
I am sick of being poked and prodded...I flipped out.
From that moment until I went under, I just sobbed like a baby.
The nurses probably thought I was scared, but that wasn't it.
It was mostly a pity party, and a release from all the built up emotion from last year.
The surgery seemed short but when I woke up, I puked (as usual) from the anesthetic.
I slept most of my surgery off for the next 20 hrs...and I was very happy when I was able to eat again (the next day).
My surgeon came to thge hospital room to see me and told me that he had found something unusual in my bladder while he was looking around.
It was a fleshy piece of tissue that he removed to have tested (just to be safe, because of my history) He gave me the old "It's probably nothing, but because of your history, we should just test it to be sure."
I had heard that EXACT line before! And I KNOW many other young cancer survivors have heard the same line.
I spun into a whirlwind of new fear.
When I got home from surgery I did what no person should ever do...."google the symptoms" NEVER GOOGLE THE SYMPTOMS!
Well, I did, I googled "bladder cancer" and I found some very alarming things.
The 3 main things that cause bladder cancer are:
1. smoking (I did for many years)
2. working with hair dye (whoops)
3. chemotherapy (the kind I had)

So, to make the long story short, I thought I was going to die again. I thought I had bladder cancer, and the very thought of me having to go thru treatment again was mind boggling!
However, a week after my surgery, my doc called me and told me that my pathology results were clear and I was not going to die of bladder cancer OR ovarian cancer.
Now, 7 days after that...I sit here, feeling physically grand and back to normal!
I think though, that maybe I am starting menopause.
I have been waking up in the night, sweaty and hot, which is unusual for me normally.
I assume this may be hot flashes??
Not too big an issue yet.
So, all in all the hysterectomy was successful. It was quite simple and I only ended up with a few tiny holes in my belly and a few days of grogginess.
I took 6days off where I didn't do much but watch movies and sleep, and then I was back to work for 4 hrs a day for about 3 days and then I dove right back in to 6-9hrs shifts.
I feel great!
But I am still taking days off, to relax and give my body what it needs.
til next time!

losing loves.

2011-09-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

What is the old saying again?
"Is is better to have love and lost, than to never have loved at all?"
Something like that.

Well, it is happening.
I knew when I joined the cancer club and decided to open up and meet friends, that I would be signing up for some heart ache in the future.
Some of my friends are losing their battles, and it hurts.

We lost a friend from the recent YACC retreat just a week or so ago.
She was a beautiful, smiley soul...such a sad loss.

I have 2 other friends who are stage 4, who are losing their battles as we speak.
Struggling to keep living as cancer tries to smother out their fire.
It pains me.

I know there will be more.
It's what you sign up for.
But any pain I have, by losing these friends, by seeing cancer win....
is by far outweighed by all of the joy they have brought me by knowing them.
I will make the trade any day.

Dear Friends,
I love you, I am proud of you and your fight.
You have done nothing wrong, so hold your head up high.
And honor your life and the beautiful spirit you will gift to heaven and the memories you leave behind.

<3

Another surgery.

2011-09-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

It's just 10 days until I have my hysterectomy.
"How do I feel about this ?" you ask?
Well, until yesterday, I actually felt fine about it.
Maybe I didn't feel fine.
Maybe I have been keeping myself so busy that I haven't had time to "feel"
I tend to do that a lot in my life.
Well, yesterday, on my way into town, driving along the lake, I had a moment.
I feel really really sad about it.
I don't want to loose more of myself.
I don't want to loose what makes me a woman.
I have already lost my original breasts, and now my hormones and my organs.
It's too much.
When I flip the coin, I am grateful there is an option for me, I am glad I can prevent a (very likely) life threatening disease.
I am blessed to have that chance.
However, as I lay in bed last night, hiding tears from my husband, I can't help but feel like my body has let me down.
I feel sorrow, lost, that yet another peice of me is going to be ripped away...
what will be left?
Only time will tell.

YACC

2011-08-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

As the 33 of us, (all young adults having faced cancer in some way) sat around the pool...that is when I realized the true power of this support community.
Never in the last 19 months of cancer life and surgeries have I felt comfortable showing my scars. I have scars under each of my arm pits, I have scars in my belly button (which isn't even an original) I have a giant gash across my abdomen. I have little scars from all of my drains like polka dots across my torso, and of course there are scars on my breasts.
Every time I have gotten in to a swim suit since my surgeries, I have felt a bit uneasy. I have felt different. I have felt like I have to justify my scars or explain to everyone that they don't make me different and if they do, then they make me better than everyone else because they are war wounds.
I never do talk to anyone about it.
I just sit with them and they remind me of where I have been and sometimes I feel proud, and sometimes I feel anger.
And sometimes I feel scared.

As I lay by this pool on a hot summer day. I look around at the rest of the young survivors at this retreat and I realize, we are all the same.
Scars here, scars there....beauty everywhere. Strength everywhere.
This is probably the first time for all of us that we could remove our covers and feel completely normal and just relax and be ourselves. Because each and everyone of us understands and there is ZERO judgment.
This is the heart of a true community.
This is why the YACC support organization and it's retreats and conferences are so important.
Moments like these are priceless.

Please sponsor Kerry and I (and YACC) for the YACC surivor conference and our CLIMB!! coming in November. All money will help us and other young survivors attend conferences and retreats and will also go to YACC to help strengthen our support community and keep it up and running and growing.
SPONSOR HERE: (cut and paste the blue link and put it in your webbrowser, then click "sponsor me" on the lower left hand side of the page)

http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1225195#.TlR1_v6S7_Z.facebook

THANKS EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED US SO FAR!!

Forever Changed ~ YACC Retreat

2011-08-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Hearing my neighbor complain for the 20th time about my dogs, I had to just look at her and laugh.
After the weekend I just had I can't phathom someone putting so much negative energy into something that JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!
This woman needs to have a taste of the Young Adult Cancer Canada retreat that I just went on.

On Monday, Kerry and I drove home (8 hrs) forever changed.
We signed up for this retreat months before and had no idea what we were going to experience.
I thought maybe I could wrap up some of my lingering concerns and issues and give Kerry a chance for some post-cancer support seeing as he never had any during my year of cancer.
I thought maybe I could help some others deal with their issues and maybe had some laughs with some young adults like me that I could relate to. I also knew my cancer girlfriend (I call her Kiki) was going to be there. And even though I had written to her numerous times over the year and I feel like I know her, I had actually only met her once, so this was long overdue.
The weekend ended up being MUCH more than all I had expected from it.
This retreat was unspeakable.
33 young adults filed into a beautiful Retreat lodge, sat around in a circle, eyeing each other up and when we began, we went around the circle and told our story.
There was a lot of breast cancer, there was a few lymphoma's, a few brain tumors, a couple ovarian, a lukemia and a few other rare cancers.
There were girls and boys aged early twenties to late thirties.
As we went around the circle I became aware that a few of the guests were terminal. There were people with no support systems, and people struggling with pain. Everyone had a story and the amazing thing was that even as bad as their story was, they still had fight.
Within the first 3 hours of arriving, every 33 of us, were forced to drop down our guards, and let our true colors shine.
We were raw and exposed and it was scary, but we soon learned that everyone was in the same boat and we all instantly developed a MAJOR respect for each other and unconditional love.
I never thought I was longing for a cancer friend my own age, but when I was in a room of people like me, I couldn't help but cry tears of relief. The feeling was overwhelming. I needed this. I belonged.
I didn't notice that I had been feeling like an alien over the last year and a half. But I must have, because being at this retreat in a room full of strangers, I felt like I was finally home.
The weekend consisted of group sessions where we discussed common issues between us such as "relationships and family" also "fears (of the future and recurrence etc)" another topic was "emotional health" and "re-intrajectorization" (a word made up to explain easing back into the real world after cancer)
I spoke a bit about my own personal issues, but mainly I listened. I felt like I learned more from listening than anything else. Sometimes I felt guilty when I would speak of one of my issues because ultimately there was someone else in my group who was terminal and who's situation was always worse than mine. I know that these guests didn't judge me, but somehow I just had a hard time complaining, when I was ultimately free. I think maybe that was the most therapeutic thing of all! The full on "mirror-in-the-face" showing me that my life is a gift and whatever issues I may be having, I should just deal with them and move on so that I can enjoy my life, because some people don't have that luxury.
I wish I could share some of the things I heard and witnessed but you know what? You would never understand. You had to be there. And I kind of like keeping this little treasure for myself.
All I can say is that there was no "fakeness" or superficialities. There was only love and acceptance. There was also A LOT of laughing!! I haven't laughed that hard...well...ever! I learned so much from each beautiful person there. I learned humor, I learned how to fight, I learned class, I learned grace, I learned the love of a mother, I learned the love of a husband and wife. I gained a new best friend, I learned respect and strength and resilience.
I met a beautiful young woman who has an uncureable cancer that smiles peacefully and says that she is not afraid of dying because she knows she will be re-incarnated and have a second shot at a beautiful life.
A wonderful thought from a beautiful soul.
We had cooking classes from an amazing chef.
We had sun tan pool time, and watched a front flip into a tube contest while laughing so hard we cried.
We went on nature walks.
We watched a fantastic documentary made by a talented soul.
We made vision boards and took time to silently admire each others dreams for the future.
We had a talent show and again laughed so hard our jaws hurt.
We fed our bodies and souls with nutrient rich, blessed food.
We stayed up late and giggled, and cried and hugged each other and shared stories and compared boob surgeries and...and...and...
A young man at the retreat who was quite quiet most of the weekend said at the closing circle, something that sung in my ear.
He said " I feel like I have waited my whole life to experience something like this."
He wasn't speaking about cancer, he meant to experience people letting their guards down and just loving each other and accepting each other without judgement. Truly forming bonds, real, raw relationships.
He was right.
I am so grateful that I was able to experience this.
I am forever changed.
I walk away with a clear understanding on how fragile life is, but how beautiful death can be, if you just live richly while you are here.
Grace.
I walk away with 32 new friends and the ENORMOUS desire to help.
To help YACC fund raise, to help other young adults affected by cancer.
I haven't scratched the surface. I can't explain what happened last weekend so I really shouldn't even try, but I will tell you that...
I am forever changed and,
I filled up to the brim with love.

New issues.

2011-07-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

Sun is out and I am feeling strong and happy!
It is hard not to remember that last year at this time I was walking around with a walker and today I spent the day digging 4ft holes for building our fence!
We are planning a little yard reno.
We have a gorgeous 1/4 acre yard and we hardly use it!
It is sloped and that makes it tough to sit outside and use the space.
There is a good chunk of lawn that is flat but it is a fenced dog run.
So, we decided to fence the entire yard and open up the dog run so we can use it for a patio and fire pit etc....
The little hair shop is going quite well.
I feel like I am building a strong clientele base and the walk ins have been steady.
However, I still struggle with anxiety when I have a slower day.
It all comes from insecurities I think??
I just have to stop myself from feeling that way and have trust that I will be taken care of as I have my entire life. God hasn't let me down.
The wigs have been selling like mad and I am loving that aspect of business.
I love making people feel beautiful and giving them the gift of confidence which is on a whole nother level when it comes to hair loss.
In 2 weeks my husband and I are off to Vancouver for The Young Adult Cancer Retreat.
It is a free getaway for cancer survivors and those living with cancer under 40.
I look forward to some delayed healing as I feel I have put some of my healing on the back burner just to enjoy life for a bit in remission.
However, taking that step back from cancer has made my issues present themselves, and I need to address them before they grow.
Like I said before, insecurities have been a BIG problem.
I feel like I am WAY more insecure than I ever was, and I wonder why this is.
The strange thing too is that I am not even talking about being insecure about getting ill again. It's about my looks, my face, my personality, people liking me, being accepted, being a good hairdresser, being a good cook....etc.
It's like when I achieve and have something to feel good about, a little voice in my head tells me something else. It slags me and tells me something that makes me feel bad or question myself, or gives me something to stress over.
It won't just let me be happy.
What is this all about??
You'd think, seeing the light would have shown me the important things in life! Well, it has...it HAS. But for some reason, even though I know I need to love myself and enjoy life, I just can't stop the anxiety and insecurities...
I am going to bring it up at the retreat but I may also sign up for some more counselling when I get home too.
I will figure it out and work through it.
I am enjoying my few days off and tomorrow I am going to take my daughter to the library, get a latte and come home to keep the digging going.
I am determined to get the yard done before I host my husband's 35th birthday party on the 23rd.
And, well, you know what happens when I am determined!!

How Now?

2011-06-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

Reading back on my old posts, I can't believe all of the transformations I have taken on over the last year.
I have worn many shoes throughout my cancer journey.
I became a fighter.
Then I was a health nut.
Then I was an advocate.
Then a spiritual master.
So on and so on.

So where am I now?

Well, today I slept in a little, because I know my body likes sleep and I try to feed it what it likes. When I woke up, I went into work after drinking a green tea (used to be coffee, then I went herbal tea and now I am back to green).
Sometimes I remember my vitamin D and B, and sometimes I don't.
I try to eat breakfast, but sometimes I only have time to juice something, or gobble down a yogurt and granola.
At work I booked in a girl who was just diagnosed with a similar breast cancer as I had. I gave her a free pre-chemo-fall-out haircut and chatted with her.
I looked her in the eye and felt the pain.
I was speechless, but I tried to let her know I care and I am here for her.
After that, I sold a wig to a woman with alopecia.
After that, I booked in another cancer collegue for a wig trim.
Many people walked-in for appointments today and though I wanted to squeeze them in every little crack of time I had, I remembered my husband's voice "Don't over work Megan, learn balance and learn to say no. Be good to your body and mind. It's ok to take it easy."
And so I booked in 2 of them at the end of my day and said no to the rest.
I took a lunch break today, but I don't always I must admit. ( i am working on it)
I came home and had a decent meal. I thanked god sliently for the great day I had and for helping me find my lost item, I ahd been looking for. I drank lots of water. I relaxed on the couch. I had a bag of microwave kettle corn (oops). And now I blog.
So the bottom line?
Well, I am wearing none of the shoes I wore last year.
I am wearing a new pair of shoes...a combination of all of them, and sometimes I wear the shoes I had PRE-cancer.
I am not perfect, and though I may try to be from time to time, I realize I am happiest with balance.
Sometimes I faulter, and though I know what IS best for my health, I also know I am human.
And I like to feel human.

Recurrence

2011-05-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

You can only play Denial Hide and Seek for so long until
The Truths find you again...
crawl up under your skin and strike up the goosebumps
the fears,
the possible truths.
You are NOT normal.
You are NEVER safe.
You are ALWAYS at risk.
Don't let your guard down.
don't dress up and play pretend.
you are different.
you always need to be on guard.
this is your life.

Livin' the dream!

2011-05-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

May 19th was the last chemo I had...one year ago.
Big things have happened in my life since!
Things are good.
Very good.
My heart is better. I went off caffiene and I have only had a few thumps here and there. Nothing major.
I still haven't had time to see my doctor about my test results. To see if I have thyroid issues. However, seeing as the palps have stopped, I assume I'm good.
Yes. I repeat, life has been busy.
And seeing as I related my chaotic previous life to my previous diagnosis of cancer...I feel a little nervous these days.
I have been having weird periods too.
Short, light ones that only really last about 2 days.
This is abnormal for me who always had regular 6 day heavier periods.
Not sure if it's because the chemo had had an affect on my system or not, but they just recently started changing, a while after chemo...hmmm...not sure.
I have also had a few weird tinges and aches coming from what I would assume would be my ovary. Usually my right one.
Now I am almost certain it is nothing and I am noticing it more because of my obvious risk for ovarian cancer...but I still feel it and it's a bit unnerving.
Originally I had planned on having my hysterectomy in June, but I have changed my mind.
I want to enjoy some of my summer so I am going to have the surgery early September.
It was a LONG winter and now that the sun is out, I want to soak it up and LIVE!!
College will be done soon, so that means I will only have ONE job soon and have more free time to relax and fish and camp and just be.
Just be...something I put off for far too long this year.
Something I will try to never put off again.
Though I don't regret my taking on of the teaching job (it has been one of the best things I have ever done) it was hard on me and after what I have been through, I maybe shouldn't have gone there and loaded my plate so full.
Live and learn.
Having my own hair studio now is proving to be FANTASTIC!
I am super busy with clients and walk-ins and loving my own space.
Being my creative me, in my own way, on my own time...the definition of success? When you can't tell the difference between work and play.
Still working on the finishing touches but it seems like it will be a great success!
I am proud of it.
I still think about my cancer....I still talk about it from time to time and I still share my story when the time is right or just when I feel like I want to talk about it.
It is becoming more rare as time goes on.
But it will always have it's mark on me. It has shaped who I am today.
In good ways and bad.

All in all?
Living the dream and loving it.

thump.thump....THUMP...thump.

2011-04-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Spent 4 hours in the Emergency Room last night at our hospital.
I checked myself in at 6pm after my heart palpitations started getting progressively worse and I almost fainted AGAIN yesterday for the 5th time in the last few months.
I don't know when my heart palps really started...I guess it was about a year before I was diagnosed with cancer. I would have one or two thumps here or there and just chalked it up to the 15 cups of coffee I was drinking back then, or the stressful life I was leading.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I stopped drinking coffee almost altogether. Once in a while I enjoy a latte here or there but nothing regular.
Then I started Herceptin. In July of 2010 I started Herceptin and I think one of the only side effects is heart function loss, heart failure and/or heart palps.
In September I started working part time again. I started doing hair about 4 days a week at a quiet little salon....things started getting busier.
In October Selkirk College called me and asked me to take a full time temporary instructing job, teaching hair in the cosmetology department.
I had to take it, chance of a life time!
But, because it wasn't permanent it meant me having to keep my hand in the other pot...juggling both my clientele I was just starting to build, and my new instructing job...sometimes working 6 days a week or at least a few 10-12 hour days to juggle it all. Not to mention a family on top of it!
In March I was presented the opportunity to open my own little hair salon.
I knew the owner of my current salon has been looking to sell off and on and I knew I didn't have much stability by staying there (my life stable? HA!) so I needed to solidify a small, affordable place that I KNEW I could afford long term and work when I wanted, how I wanted without any conflicts around me and grow as a stylist once college was out.
I have always had my own little studios in my home in Calgary and I even had a successful little commercial salon there as well which proved to be a great asset when I sold it. Other than living in Calgary, it was the most fulfilled I have ever been in my career.
I had to take the project of opening my own space while the opportunity was available to me.
So here I am.
My life is busy, YES.
I am happy, YES YES!
But in November I started losing a noticeable amount of weight and having heart palps.
I had tests done to see if there was anything serious going on with my heart, but they would either not see anything wrong OR I would have a palp-free day on the days they tested.
In January, I had lost even more weight and my palpitations continued...I almost fainted twice this month from my irregular heart beats.
March rolled around and I decided to quit my HERCEPTIN on round 13 out of 17 (4 short if you can't do the math) in somewhat of agreeance with my doctor.
The heart palps stopped, for about 2 weeks.
I did start having lattes a bit more regularly and the odd glass of coke as well....
Last week the thumps came on meaner than ever and I have been exhausted.
A day of your heart skipping beats and thumping and feeling dizzy takes it's toll on you...by the end of the day I would be exhausted.
Yesterday I went to a hair cutting class in Castlegar and right after lunch I started getting mad thumps in my chest. I almost fainted a handful of times and had to sit down and excuse myself to go to the washroom.
I decided to check myself in to the ER last night and was immediatley hooked up to a monitor. I was glad to be there. Finally they could see what I was feeling, while the thumps were happening.
The diagnosis?
Well the funny little doctor that was on call says they are PVC's. Normal irregular heartbeats cause by an irritation to my heart...cause by who knows? Caffeine, Stress...Herceptin? Yes, I still drink tea and the odd coffee and coke, Yes, I have some stress in my life and I am a busy girl...Maybe the Herceptin is still in my system? I am not really sure when it flushes itself out...
My only worry is that it could be something more serious.
The funny, little doctor said that "Unless the palps are happening in long runs and causing me to faint, they are nothing uncommon."
Well, I explained to him they have almost made me faint several times. And that they happen in runs of about 4 in a row sometimes lasting about a minute. He said "No, they would have to last a lot longer than that, like several minutes, and you would feel a heavy chest and get sweaty."
Well I certainly don't get sweaty, so that puts me in the clear??
I don't trust just any doctor anymore.
Upon 5 minutes of Googling (I know, it's bad, never Google a symptom) I noticed that heart palpitations can be cause by Ovarian Tumors as well as Thyroid problems. Both of which are NOT unrealistic for me. I HAVE been losing weight and Thyroid runs in my family...I am getting a hysterectomy this summer because my chance of Ovarian Cancer is skyrocketed since my BRCA1 gene diagnosis. So I am going to look a little further.
Blood tests are on their way and a visit with MY doctor on Friday is in the works.
With that being said, I hope it isn't anything serious...and this morning I woke up and began my first day without ANY caffeine, and so far no palps!
My doctor (and my husband) ordered me a day off. I am to sleep in and relax all day. (What!??) I figure that means I clean my house?? I mean really? Just sit here? HAHA, kidding. I know how to relax...and I plan to today and try to tackle these thumps on my own and get them gone for good!!

done.

2011-03-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

So I am done treatment.
I quit Herceptin on round 13 of 17...
I started having funky heart palpatations a while back...they got worse and worse.
My doc was screening me and i was getting my usual heart ultrasounds and nothing showed any problems...but with the relationship history between herceptin and heart failure, I was unnerved.
Something just told me it was time to quit.
Maybe it was the day I almost fainted in my kitchen a few weeks back, because my heart stopped beating (or so it felt like anyway).
Either way, I went in for my last treatment and when Doc came to check me out before pumping the drugs into my IV, I told him, I was thinking maybe I should quit.
My heart was getting funkier by the day and it was freaking me out.
We agreed because I am not really (technically) HER2 positive (I am borderline) and because I had done so may treatments, it wouldn't be unheard of to quit a bit early.
Doc wanted to send me home and have me run a bunch more tests before making my decision. He probably hoped that I would test fine and continue thru the rest of my sessions...but I decided to cut the ties.
It felt right.
I'm done.
I'm done with tests and needles and toxic drug treatments and missing out on life to get treatments...
done!
That is until this summer when I have to get my hysterectomy...and go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy)
it never does end does it!!
:)
It's ok, I am on my way....still taking it one day at a time.

What's Wrong with me?

2011-03-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

Uncomfortable, displaced, itchy, crawly, anxious, bummed, worried, eager, out of sorts.
That should sum it up.

I haven't been feeling right lately...
not sure why.
I am guessing SAD, as it has been a LONG winter and I have been laking vitamin D.
But maybe it's post traumatic disorder from my ordeal last year...it could be that.
Or maybe it's the fact that my mom is reliving our nightmare and has cancer again and maybe I am just defeated and beat down from all the bad news...
Maybe it's the fact that I am tired, from working to hard juggling two jobs.
It could be the guilt that is blanketing me...the guilt from being back to my old self, my pre-cancer self...from the fact that I consume sugar again, I work hard again, I haven't been meditating, I think bad thoughts about people....
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
I can't take it anymore.
It's like I died and crossed over for 9 months last year.
I had a 9 month epiphany when I didn't know if I was going to live or die, I became a good person, I wore the cancer goggles and saw the beauty in anything and everything and became the perfect human....I guess it was in order to prove to god that I deserved to live.
I was good at it, it came natural to me.
I was everything I always wanted to be.
And now I just feel like I am slipping back.
But is it possible to live in epiphany for a lifetime?
Or was it meant to be temporary and just stay as a clear memory...a place to retreat to when I need to reflect and prioritize....?
Who knows.
But I feel foggy and I feel tired, and the cancer nightmare is too close for comfort.
I thought it would be gone, but it isn't my choice.
The cancer experience is an unwelcome house guest that stays until IT's ready to leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I should just be grateful I am healthy, and start enjoying my life a bit more...
easier said than done.
I am worn out, beaten up and bruised.
Til when?
who knows.

Healing and Grieving

2011-02-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

It has been far too long since I have blogged, and normally I wouldn't feel guilty because if I am not blogging I am living, however i have had many emotions, breakthroughs and events happen that play a significant role in my "cancer life" and healing, and I haven't made the time to document it. Because there is so much, I will not cram it all into one post. I will just do a series of posts covering one thing at a time.
Here it goes!!!
I just re-read my last blog and indeed it was true...all in all I feel like the "grieving" from my diagnosis and all of the trauma from last year has really just begun recently. It's funny too because I promised myself I would only work part time going in back into the working world...but i soon found myself working 5 to sometimes 6 days a week, and when I stopped to analyze it I knew immediately why.
I run from bad feelings, or let me word that better "feelings that make me feel bad".
I work to keep my mind off of the fact that I am different and have been through what I have....so I don't have to have a one on one with the fear.
But let me go back, I said it is "funny, I have been a work-a-holic to avoid the pain" because it has still worked it's way into my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an emotional mess, it comes in waves....the grieving shows itself here and there.
It is disguised as anger and sorrow and guilt and sometimes insecurity.
Examples"
I have definitely had a shorter temper lately. I have been very impatient and had to really control these feelings so not to lash out and my kids, friends, family and coworkers...I always worry if I am already moody, how will I be when I have my hysterectomy and go into menopause??
Another example is when I went in for my Herceptin treatment the other day. I had been having bouts of heart palpitations and dizziness and almost fainted one day so I thought I'd mention it to my doc. Well, obviously he refused to treat me until I went downstairs and did a number of tests to rule out anything major that may be wrong. For some reason I was so annoyed with that. I think I am just getting sick of having to get treatments. It takes a lot of my time arranging appointments and taking time off work sucks and it just hilights the fact that I am different and that I was sick and it makes me feel weak and in sufficiant in comparison to a regular person. I NEVER wanted my illness to change my day to day life once I was declared cancer free. And it is, it still affects it and it pisses me off. So anyway, I was in a huff when I went down for tests and then lost it when I had to remove my shirt and bra in front of a nurse who had no idea I had breast cancer surgery.
I was ashamed when I took my shirt off in front of her. I was embarassed and humiliated and I felt like I had to explain that I looked different (because I haven't had my tatooing yet especially)
I layed on the table sobbing, sobbing with so much pain...with wires coming out from my body and suction cups stuck to me like Frakenstien and that's how I felt. Like an alien, like a medical experiment.
My grieving snuck up on me and poured out of me and there was nothing Icould do about it...
I just wanted to feel normal. I guess I am resentful because I feel like there was a deal made. "Yes cancer I understand you are invading my body...I am willing to deal with you and have you consume my life for a year but once I do everything the doctors tell me to do, then you need to leave and I want my life back...deal? DEAL!"
I swear that's the conversation I had, I swear it...
So that's where I sit.
I wonder if maybe I should seek cousiling again to get it all out so I can move on, but I am starting to think it doesn't work like that. I can't just scrub it all off, cancer changed me and as long as it took to grow inside of me , I will take just as much time or more to heal from it emotionally. And it will come out when it wants to, I can't force it out, I just have to acknowledge it when it shows itself, acknowledge it and and embrace it and release it.
Easier said than done because usually when it interrupts my life I get angry and resentful.
But I know that is just adding more bad feeling to the pile.
I need to start dealing with my feelings properly.
I vow to try harder.
I really want to be back to normal again...if that is possible.
I am going to try.

anger.

2011-01-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

What are the 5 steps of greiving? And when does Anger come into play?
Well it's here.
I am angry.
A lot, at many of things.
I don't like the negativity brewing up inside of me but I cannot help it.
it needs to come out so that it doesn't breed disease by staying inside.
Where has it come from?
Who knows, many possibilities.
But it is here, in full effect and needs to be released.

Headed into the SUN.

2011-01-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

Life has been extremely busy lately.
I have excused my therapists words from last year and decided to once again become a workaholic.
This worries me because i don't want it to make me sick again, however, I like the work.
It is temporary and if I refuse the job I could kiss my future at Selkirk college goodbye.
It is far too good a job to ignore because of some hypochondria.
And I like it.
I really like it.
And it's temporary for now...
So call my last few words justification, or what you want but I am trying to be normal...and I need to trust my body that is is and will continue to be free of disease.
I am trying to plan a future.

PLUS!
I am working my ass off so I can make my way to the sun next week and revel in some relaxation.
I am off to Cozumel with my husband.
Kid Free.
We are going to celebrate my remission and soak up some vitamin D...maybe consume too much pina coladas, ceviche and guacamole.
Hey! Coconut milk, fish and avocado are all good for you!!!
Can't wait to escape the winter FUNK and recharge...
Who knows! Maybe I will come back with some real estate magazines or the keys to a new place!
hee hee...
just kidding,
for now.

A NEW Year.

2011-01-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

We brought in the new year with good friends this year.
The entire event felt a lot more welcomed for me than last year.
Last year...how could I celebrate? I knew I was heading into a year full of cancer and treatments...the unknown.
This year marks a NEW BEGINNING for myself personally.
I wish I could say the same for my mom.
She just had her bilateral mastectomy last week and the day she went in for her surgery I was working up at the college.
I thought I would be fine but minutes before she went under, I had an emotional release and overwhelming sadness came over me...I excused myself to go to the washroom and had a little cry for her....and me too maybe.
It brought up a lot of emotions for me and old feelings from my surgery that I have honored yes, but then buried in order to get back to real life.
I am so aware that ignoring and burying up feeling isn't healthy but the bottom line is that when something as major as cancer happens to you, it would take up to a few years to properly deal with it before you could be back to normal (if that is even possible) so sometimes you have to bury a little bit in order to move forward and function as a normal human.
I have had sympathy pains for my mom. The day of her surgery I had many sharp pains in my chest which isn't normal for me...I know that they were sympathy pains.

So far the New Year has been good to me. I have a full time position at Selkirk college as of now, as an assistant instructor in the cosmetology department. I love it, I love teaching, I love the students and my co-workers. I get paid well and the hours are great.
Kerry and I are planning a one week trip to Cozumel at the end of the month which I am so excited about. I am dying for a vacation, all inclusive style and some hard core vitamin D!! Much needed us time. I can't wait to spend 7 days alone with my best friend.
With all that said, the New Year isn't perfect. My mom is about to go through cancer treatment AGAIN and a close friend was diagnosed with testicular cancer in mid December so I am helping him with that. It seems that no matter what I do, my life has been surrounded by cancer for the last 5 years.
This is something I would expect if I was an old lady and all of my friends were getting sick around me and so on. But I am 31 years old, and the people around me are all too young to be getting sick.
Is this has the world has always been and I was just lucky to avoid it up until now?
Or is the world getting plagued by cancer?
Or is it just me and my life....is there some significance maybe?
Am I meant to be helping...does God just know that I am strong enough to deal with it all and so he is surrounding ME?
Who knows.
I just have to keep looking at the bright side of it all....
being grateful for what I do have and the GOOD moments.
We need to acknowledge the GOOD moments and the daily blessings we are presented with, no matter how small...because there are people who are REALLY suffering out there.

I look forward to everyday of this New Year, no matter what happens.
I am healthier than ever, I am slim again, I am smoke-FREE and I am still madly in love. I've crossed off about 5 past New Years resolutions in one year (last year). If that was the point of my cancer, I'll take it.
I pray for health for my loved ones and I pray for success in their fight. And if they come out of their fight with the clarity that I have then it will all be worth it.
Happy New Year!

Decision

2010-12-17T18:02:00.000-08:00

The other day my head oncologist called and we were able to chat about what I am supposed to do to avoid getting ovarian and uterine cancer.
The final verdict?
Full hysterectomy with hormone replacement therapy.
My onc tells me that being so young, taking Estrogen is actually beneficial to me to avoid further cancers and other complications related to my ovaries being removed. I know the stigma attached to taking estrogen is that is causes cancer but in my case it isn't true. Especially with my cancer being estrogen negative.
So I am happy with the news. I would like to remove any parts of me that have a high chance of getting cancer, but ONLY if the other side effects are minimal to none. Taking HRT makes it little...maybe not none, but little.
I am ok with that.
My mom has decided with her surgeon that she will be having a full mastectomy early in January. It's funny how against the surgery she was for the first diagnosis of cancer, but now that it is back it's like "Take these things OFF! I am SICK OF THIS CRAP!" type mentality.
I don't blame her, I felt that way the first time! If I don't need em' and they can cause my demise...get rid of em'!
I am sad for my mom though. I know it will be hard for her.
Scars are tough. They remind us of the fear and the illness.
But I think we need to change our mentality so that when we look at them they remind us of our courage and accomplishment.
It can be easier said than done however.

Christmas is in the air and I like it this year. I am feeling very thankful for my life and it's richness.
Last year at my husband's work Xmas party I had just found out that I had cancer and I didn't really enjoy myself.
This year (tomorrow) I am so excited to let loose and celebrate a long trying year with a successful outcome!
Tis the season!
Cheers!

My momma.

2010-12-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

So I have been waiting for a phone interview with my oncologist in Kelowna to discuss whether or not I should take HRT and remove my uterus. I am hoping she basically tells me a yes or no on the subject as I am finding it is as hard as ever to make decisions. I can't even decide what to make for dinner let a lone a decision that could affect my life span. I am thinking I am leaning towards the full meal deal. I would like to try to avoid cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis as best I can.
So the other day marked my one year anniversary of my diagnosis. The day I drove to Trail (an hour away) with my dogs and kid in tow, thinking I was clear of cancer only to be told I wasn't.
Officially the worst day of my life. BAR NONE.
Ironically this date brought me back to Trail as I was doing some work for Selkirk college in the area. AND Ironically I was at the chemo room in Trail that day, dropping off business cards for my new wig business I have opened up here in Nelson.
Anyway, the day had a weird vibe for sure. It was a long day. I drove around the koots for six hours visiting salons for work and it gave me a lot of time to think about where the year has taken me. In general I believe I am in a better place now than I was a year ago. However it is something I have to work at. reminding myself of where I've been and what I have been through to keep me in the right frame of mind and to keep me positive and grateful.
After my 6 hour drive I worked at the salon for 6 hours on clients. It was exhausting.
During my last client, when I had put all of her foils in and she was "processing" I went into our staff room and checked my cell phone. There was a message from my mom.
She was crying I could tell.
I called her back and she said
"Megan it's back."
right away I knew what that meant.
She had found a lump in her armpit weeks earlier and had it biopsied. I guess her results were in.
In the summer when we found out we had the BRCA1 gene, I mentioned to my mom she should think about having a mastectomy. I knew her recurrence rate was high.
she mentioned she would continue to screen and then I said "Screening is great but it won't prevent you from getting cancer again, and ultimately if you get it again, you HAVE to go through treatment again, no matter how early you are diagnosed."
My mom was contemplating a prophylactic mastectomy when she was re diagnosed.
So here we sit.
Same as before....
Christmas is coming, and someone has cancer...
My sister just had a baby and someone has cancer...
it is all too familiar.
(my mom's first diagnosis was in December and my sister was pregnant, my diagnosis was a day before my sister's b-day...December 3 and my mom's new diagnosis was a day before my sister's b-day December 3...5 days before my sister's baby was born...significance?)
My heart aches again.
It aches for my mom and it aches for my dad
it aches for my sister and my son and my daughter and my husband.
We will be saddling up again,
like it or not,
we have another bumpy ride to take.

OOOOphorectomy vs hySSSSSSterectomy.

2010-12-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

Today I went and saw my kick-ass Gynecologist. I will call him G-Doc so that I don't have to type that long title anymore than I need to.
I was hoping and praying that he would tell me that I could go ahead and just have my FALLOPIAN tubes out and then I could avoid the early menopause thing. Removing my ovaries would put me into early menopause which puts me at a higher risk for Osteoporosis and Cardiovascular disease. I guess the younger you are (when they remove your Estrogen source, the higher the risk for these side effects)
G-Doc wants me to consider taking hormone replacement therapy in order to prevent the side effects (or lessen them) but if I do that, I could possibly increase my chance of recurring breast cancer & I have a significant chance of developing uterine cancer. SO! He thinks I should then consider removing my uterus as well.....the whole SHA-BANG.
Wicked.
So, now I have a decision to make.
Oophorectomy and that's it.
Oophorectomy with HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and risk Uterine Cancer
Or FULL HYSTERECTOMY and hormone replacement therapy.
hmmm.....
kinda wishing I was deciding on which Mexican resort to go to instead.
Sick of making decisions on how to keep my heart tickin'
At 31, I should be deciding if I want a cosmopolitan or a crantini.
This bites.
ciao.

"The Official Call"

2010-11-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning knowing I would be getting the official phone call from my genetic counsellor telling me whether or not I have the mutated BRCA1 gene.
Up until now I have been told that it is pretty much a for sure thing. So why does it bother me so much? Why did I feel the dread of the call? Why did it wake me up, reminiscent of last December when I was told I had cancer?
I guess it's because it affects my kids and other family members. It takes cancer to that next level in my life. "Go on, fuck with me cancer, I can take it...but leave my family alone."
So the phone eventually rang.
Straight to the point she went.
"You, as we suspected, have the same genetic mutation as your mother. You are BRCA1 positive."
Instant tears.
Instant fears.
I did get some interesting things out of the rest of our conversation though.
She began talking to me about my ovaries. I should have them removed because there is a direct link with this gene and ovarian cancer and my risk is greatly increased. I already knew all of this...
I told her I went to see my Gynecologist last week and he mentioned the new study that Ovarian cancer actually may start in the fallopian tubes, and so it may be a possibility I could just have my tubes out, which would spare me from early menopause (which in itself carries a lot of health issues and side effects). To avoid removing my ovaries would be fantastic in my eyes, so I mentioned it to the woman on the phone.
She told me I was in fantastic hands if my GYN was researching this option for me, and although the study is so new and there hasn't been any long term proof that it will work, it is definitely looking like a possible option.
I will wait until my GYN doc calls me back after consulting with his colleagues on the issue. If it seems like a realistic solution, I will go for it. I can always have my ovaries out later as well, closer to the time I would naturally go into menopause. that way it could be a win/win situation.
Another good thing I got out of our conversation was that it isn't entirely IMPOSSIBLE for me to test my children for the gene before they are 18.
Initially I was told that if I tested positive, there would be a 50% chance each child could have the gene. I was told however, that I couldn't have them tested. They would grow up not knowing and then they could make that decision on their own when they turn legal age. the more I thought about this, I didn't like it. I asked my genetic counsellor if this was a set in stone thing. Is there ANY way I could have them tested sooner rather than later? She proceed to lightly dance around the question trying to explain that they don't like to do it, that is has been done and has proven to be a negative thing. Either the child grows up and says they didn't want to know and didn't have a say in the matter or the positive results cause the parent to overly control the child's life and so on. I felt I needed to explain my feelings.
I told her that I want to know because I am currently living in sadness. When I look at my children I already feel like they have the gene and I am currently living this way. I stress when they want sugar, I know I will cringe when they want an alcoholic drink and so on. If I KNEW for certain, I would A) either be relieved that they tested negative and can let go a bit, though I would still encourage a healthy lifestyle...or B) if they tested positive, I would educate myself even further and continue to put my energy into surrounding them in a healthy world.
My G.C said to me, "What if Lily grows up and doesn't want to know."
I told her that I wouldn't let either child know the results, I wouldn't even let them know that I have had the testing done. I would let them grow up knowing there is a chance they could have this gene and then when they are old enough they can decide if they want the test. If they came to me and said they wanted to know, I would then tell them, I already have the results and sit them down and tell them.
Then the G.C said, "What if you knew Lily was positive and she was getting to the age where she should have the prophylactic surgery (preventative mastectomy they recommend at age 25-45) and she wasn't wanting to know her results?"
I told her that I respect every one's choice in knowing the results or not. I would respect my daughter's choice, but I would let her know that she has to always be proactive and have consistent screening, mamos, ultrasounds and physical exams. I told her that even if she did know she was gene positive, she could choose not to have the surgery and even though I strongly advocate in favor of the surgery, I would respect her choice and do the same thing....push her to have early screenings. I told her even if she was tested and was negative, I would push her to have screenings and be proactive.
The conversation ended with my G.C telling me she will move my request to have my kids tested further to the board of geneticists. They will have to grill me and play a game of ethics and then they will make a decision whether they will test them or not.
It is definitely an interesting topic for debate.
I know she doesn't know me, and this info in the wrong parents hands could be a disaster and essentially traumatize a child. But I am confident with the situation and what I would do with the info. I know that I would be respectful and responsible with the information.
I believe the information would benefit me and my children in helping us live the healthiest lifestyles possible.
So today was the official call.
The snow is falling, just like it was a year ago when this whirlwind began. Saturday is the one year anniversary of my first lumpectomy...the unknown surgery, not knowing if I had cancer or not.
I don't forget the feelings I had.
They are as clear to me today as they were then.
All senses fired. Crystal clear and defined.
And though I am grateful for my health one year later, I can't help but wince when something like a song, a Christmas ornament or a snowflake triggers those memories.

(this was my song last year)

sorrow.

2010-11-17T08:54:00.000-08:00

Today is the day the genetic counselor will say the magic words
"You have (or don't have) the BRCA1 breast cancer gene."
Though everyone has already told me there is a very slim chance that I DON'T have it...I am clinging to that small chance.
This week has been very hard for me. I had to SQUEEZE Herceptin into my schedule and it STILL got in the way of me working and making $300. I was resentful to say the least.
Then I really started thinking about my oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) and I started to get depressed.
I guess it began when I received a letter from my Oncologist in Kelowna. She wrote that it is a good idea to have them out and there is no point in waiting til I am older, as long as I am done having kids.
Then I read that this procedure (including the removal of my fallopian tubes because of the new discovery that ovarian cancer actually starts in the tubes) has serious consequences. I read that (quote)

Removal of ovaries causes hormonal changes and symptoms similar to, but generally more severe than, menopause
Women younger than 45 who have had their ovaries removed face a mortality risk 170% higher than women who have retained their ovaries.
AND THE GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL....
Oophorectomy significantly impairs sexual well-being. Substantially more women reported libido loss, difficulty with sexual arousal, and vaginal dryness and hormone replacement therapy was not found to improve these symptoms.
(WIKPEDIA)
Now I am hoping that these statements are false...because the thought that there is truth in them has brought me to tears every night this week. I am like a leaky faucet and tears won't stop seeping from my eyes.
I am sad. really, really sad.
I am sad that cancer has already taken my breasts, that I can no longer feel anything touch my new breasts and I have scars all over my body. And now cancer might take my female organs. I feel very sad about this.
What if I don't feel like a woman after the surgery.
What if it does cause me to die young?
What if it does ruin my sex life?
Why me.
I have had enough.
enough for today.
enough this year.
enough.

(turned out they called and arranged a phone appointment for the following week...see the next entry)

Diving into it all....

2010-10-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

Before I was diagnosed, I didn't think I would be the type to embrace my disease..to wrap it around me and wear it for life.
I kind of thought that type of behavior was pathetic and even unhealthy.
I mean who would be faced with an illness and then once cut free of it, choose to keep it part of your life?
Well, keep your friends close and your enemies closer!
I know that cancer is not WHO I am, but I know that I had some serious chats with God over the last 9 months and I know that I have a duty.
Not even just an obligation, but I have been touched by the disease and knowing there are so many out there feeling that hopelessness that I felt, I just cannot sit back and keep quiet.
I need to help.
It is impossible not to!
I didn't sit down and plan out a future in advocating and sharing my story and helping out. It just naturally happened and it's getting bigger everyday!
I think it's a bit addicting.
In a way you could argue that it isn't even a charitable action, it is actually kind of selfish... I do it because it makes ME feel good to help.
I guess in this case of selfishness, everybody wins.
Since my diagnosis I have reached out to many women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer...emails and care packages and advice.
I have stepped right in to my support group, smothering myself all over those ladies and their kind hearts.
I spoke on the radio a few weeks ago...telling my story on the air, to kick off breast cancer awareness month and a local fundraiser.
I am off to Toronto next weekend for the Young Woman's Breast Cancer Conference...eager to learn what I can do in our community to help out.
I am considering becoming a facilitator for our breast cancer support group in the new year...
I am starting up a WIG business within Renaissance (the current hair salon I am working in)
I guess you can say I am staying involved...
I thought in the beginning, that this cancer would be something I would want to "wash my hands of", However, I think my biggest fear was letting cancer win.
If it didn't take my life, then the next worst thing would be that it would scar me and leave me deflated.
Because of that fear, I chose to learn something from cancer. I took it and squeezed every last bit of good I could get out of it.
I will continue to keep my cancer experience close...
but from now on it will be because I CHOOSE to.

Pumped!

2010-10-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Planning on getting my "WIG" training next month from the best lady in Calgary...look out! Soon I will be offering WIGS and WIG SERVICES at Renaissance in Nelson for anyone in the area..
cancer patients, alopecia, and for just plain old fun and beauty!
Can't wait!
If you live in Nelson...spread the news!!

Petition

2010-10-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

I have been reading the blog of a girl I went to high school with.
She was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago.
She has been pushing through treatment ever since.
Her oncologist started her on a drug that isn't apparently covered by Alberta Health Care...well, here, so I don't get the story wrong, I will let you read for yourself...

I am currently on my fourth round of a chemotherapy called Xeloda with a targeted Her2 therapy called Tykerb. Tykerb has just recently come out of trial and is available for prescription. I was taken back when my doctor advised that Tykerb is not funded by the Alberta government. Alberta Oncologists have been pressuring the government to cover the drug but have not been successful. When I saw my doctor on September 30th I once again voiced my concern that this drug is not covered. He encouraged me to write a letter to the Premier and the Minister of Health and Wellness as the drug is fully covered in Saskatchewan and Nova Scotia.

A 30 day supply of Tykerb costs $3,496.57! I am fortunate to have some coverage through private insurance and the drug company has a drug assistance program, but this drug should be fully covered by the government just like it has covered Herceptin (the first line of defense against Her2 positive breast cancer).

Now most of you know that I am taking Herceptin for my breast cancer treatment and I haven't had to blink an eye at any expense related...I agree with my friend that this is something that needs to be covered. I am also aware that many drugs take far too long to get thru the "red tape" to be readily available to patients.
My friend is starting a petition to send to the Minister of Health and Wellness and I am going to help her. Please either stop by my house or workplace to sign the petition, OR email me (meganshair@gmail.com) and I can get you a copy of the petition for YOU to collect signatures as well, every single one counts!

APPARENTLY BEING A BC RESIDENT I CANNOT COLLECT BC SIGNATURES ON THIS MATTER, PLEASE IF YOU LIVE IN ALBERTA EMAIL ME AND I WILL GET YOU A COPY OF THE PETITION TO SIGN AND COLLECT SIGNATURES...THANK YOU!

Work

2010-10-10T15:34:00.000-07:00

So here I am. One year ago this month I found my lump.
I have been thru thousands of needles, many-a-tests, 6 chemo treatments, 5 Herceptin treatments, 3 surgeries, and more doctors appointments than I can count.
And here I am!
Back to work and loving life.
I spent the year reflecting on life.
What I was liking in my life and what I was not.
I reflected on what I want my life to look like if I was given the chance to survive my cancer.
Having faced the threat that my life could realistically be taken from me, sure made me take a good hard look at my life and what I wanted, needed from it.
What is the one thing that consumes the majority of our days?
Career.
This was a big focus for me this year.
I ultimately decided that I missed my identity of "creative"/"hairdresser" Megan.
I missed having a talent that made me different from everyone else.
I missed being really good at something.
I missed the feeling of reward at the end of the day, making so many people so very happy.
So I am back to work.
I was given a position at Renaissance Hair Co. on Baker Street in Nelson.
www.renaissancehair.vpweb.ca
I absolutely adore the girls that I work with, the work space is peaceful and beautiful and I am already SO BUSY!
It's hard to remember where I came from this past year, when I am caught up in the hustle and bustle of a workday...sometimes that worries me. That I am pushing myself too hard, or if I forget for a second that I had cancer, it might come back...this is all part of the psychological healing.
The bottom line is I am happy when I am there. I enjoy doing what I do, and I am providing for my family again...
So, if any reader live in Nelson...no excuses! Come book an appointment with me, and experience a hair stylist with a real PASSION for what they do!

Being Thankful

2010-10-10T15:31:00.001-07:00

Today is Thanksgiving (in Canada)
It is a day to truly acknowledge what we are thankful for and express our gratitude with laughs, cheers, good food and loved ones.
This may be my new favorite holiday.
I am the thankfullest of all this year.
I will never again wake to a day without first acknowledging what I am thankful for.
Cheers to you all, I hope you have a great day full of love!

Quotes for the Day:

2010-10-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

If I have the belief that I can do it,
I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it...
even if I may not have it,
at the beginning.

When one door of happiness closes,
another opens,
but often we look so long at the closed door,
that we do not see,
the one that has opened for us.

Small opportunities ,
are often,
the beginning of,
great enterprises!

Our senses become dulled
by the stresses of our career and personal lives...
Today, choose to go for a walk outdoors,
and let the breeze blow your cares away.

Balance and Fulfillment

2010-09-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

Balance and Fulfillment...the key to Harmony and in turn Happiness.
Sounds easy?
Not really...
I went to my first counseling appointment a couple weeks ago.
She asked me why I was there.
I told her..."Because people told me I should get counseling, it's the responsible thing to do...?"
I didn't really feel like I needed to be there...after all, I have blogged from the start, shared EVERYTHING about my breast cancer experience with WHOMEVER would listen to me and I have had a kick-ass support team of family and friends since the very start! I feel like I rode the waves pretty darn good. BUT, people said I should go, that I wouldn't want to think I was ok and have something sneak up on me down the road that I hadn't dealt with...so I went.
It took my counselor and I a while to figure out what my issue was, what my GOAL was, or in other words what my worst fear was that she could help me with (I guess there needs to be a more specific reason to see a counselor than just having HAD breast cancer).
That issue or "worst fear" turned out to be the fear of going back to who I was "pre-cancer" and not taking what I learned from cancer as a gift and applying it to my life.
Basically, all of those "Ah-ha" moments I had, the ones I excitedly blogged about...seeing the beauty in things, slowing down life and appreciating the little things etc etc...well, my fear is I will forget those things. I will slump back into my old life and lose sight of whats important. I am afraid I will stop feeding my soul. I am afraid I will stop getting to know my kids, I am afraid I will start "fretting" over money again, and weight and stupid things that don't really matter!
I freaked out a bit over this fear, for a little while...and then doors started opening for me.
I speak to my God know more than ever and I speak clearly and when I am finished speaking, I TRUST that he will grant me the path and things that are best for me. I TRUST that everything will happen for a reason and work out in the end.
It is this relationship with my "God" that started opening doors for me.
I decided to go back to work as a hairstylist...something I am good at and let's me use my creativity without insane pressures placed upon me from employers and corporate standards. Freedom to make people happy, and beautiful, by using my artistic ability on my OWN terms...this is really important to me. I have been back at it for just a short time and I am at peace everyday I am there. It feels good and it feels right and I am grateful for that.
Another door that opened for me was a few career opportunities related to the hair industry. I have been approached about becoming an educator for a specific color line, which is a great honor and an awesome opportunity...I am not sure if I am going to pursue this path or not, but regardless, I know it is an option and it is there if I ever want it. The other opportunity is to take some training in wigs. How to tailor wigs, cut and style wigs, pick then out for people upkeep and so on. I think this sounds good to me. I remember way back when my mom went to get her wig...we went into this fab salon and the owner had a little wig area and provided uncanny service to us both emotionally and superficially...I remember thinking THEN that that was something I would like to do, because it must have been so rewarding for her. I wanted to be the lady who made people feel good in their LOWEST time...this opportunity could be part of my way of giving back and could be a benefit financially as well...I will look further into this option.
Another door...well, the opportunity to be the new "facilitator" of our little local breast cancer support group. This may be an option for me in the coming year, and I think this would be another great way to "give back" and do my part in helping others...there is a lot of new info out there and I would love to share it and bring in some newer members to join us.
Then I was approved for the grant to attend the Young Woman's Breast Cancer Conference in Toronto...need I say more??! The networking possibilities are endless...I would love to come away from that with a job in the field...it would be a dream to be paid to help this cause so near to my heart. Even a chance to help without pay would be great so long as I didn't become overloaded and have it take away from my job and family and support group...balance, balance...
The point is, right now I am content. It is exciting to see all of this opportunity arising for me and I am thankful. I know I am not capable of doing everything and maintaining balance, so I will peek thru each door and trust my God and my gut and know that the doors that are MEANT for me, will be the ones I keep open.
Either way, the odds for me gaining fulfillment are looking pretty darn good right now.
Grateful.

What ISN'T New?

2010-09-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

A brief outline of what is new since we last blogged...

I had an amazing summer
I decided I was going to go back to my true love of hairstyling. I am currently working part time in a salon as a chair renter (and loving it!)
I had a different job offer related to the industry
I applied for a grant to attend the Young Woman's Breast Cancer Conference in Toronto....and I was accepted for FULL FUNDING!
I attended our first of the season breast cancer support group
I was asked to possibly take over leading the support group in the new year.
I was asked to speak on the radio this coming Friday to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a local fundraiser for it (I accepted!)
I read Eat Pray Love and connected with it ( I will learn to meditate, it's on my to-do list!)
I met with a councillor to talk about my journey and I will continue to see her every 2 weeks.
I found out my my mothers genetic test results for the BRCA1 gene were positive so it looks like I most likely have the gene as well...(I will find out within 2 months)

So as you read, I have had some major happenings this past 2 months...I will have to go deeper into a few of these things in future posts...and plan to. All in all though, life is pretty good right now and I feel like I have found a good balance.
Harmony.

August Pictures!!

2010-09-29T07:55:00.001-07:00

To be continued...computer broken permanently...can't afford a new one yet and desktop won't allow blogger.com

2010-09-17T21:25:00.000-07:00

August

2010-09-12T22:38:00.001-07:00

Well well...I am going to attempt a post here and forgive me if my computer dies mid sentence.
August was the month I crammed ALL of summer plans into, seeing as my surgery at the end of June put a bit of a damper on July.
Cancer can't stop me from having fun, I'll find a way!

So what has happened since I last wrote?
Well a lot of trips and events and such, and a lot of emotional ups and downs as well...plus an important medical update.
What should I start with?
Let's do the fun stuff.

A few months ago I won a fishing trip to Campbell River.
This was on my "To-do list or my "bucket list" whichever you prefer. So it was a big event for me...and it was a blast. We flew on a little airline out of Trail and let me tell you, when we pulled up to the terminal (a metal shed that looked like a barn) I looked at Kerry and he said "Don't worry, that's not the terminal." and of course, it was.
It had mismatched old thrift store furniture from the 70's and looked like a frat house. It had a little basket of chocolate bars on a table with a sign that read "this concession works on the honor system, please leave a dollar per item in the basket" I must admit, it made me chuckle. I mean I am small town, but this was REALLY small town!!
The plane was tiny too! We had to duck to get in and almost had to duck while we were sitting! I had a great view of the cockpit and pilot (as there wasn't any door to the pilots quarters)
The town was nice, and the fishing was EXCEPTIONAL! It was the best Salomon run in years and we met our quota for Sockeye within an hour or so...
I really loved the fact that fishing is a lifestyle in this town. Everyone just kind of hangs out on the docks, cleaning their boats and gutting their fish, drinking beers and bragging to their friends about their daily catch. Kids fishing off the docks with their bag lunches. It was inspiring and I felt for a moment like I could live that way.
I loved the experience and hope to be able to do it again one day.

When we got home, I put in a load of laundry, hit the sack and the next morning the kids and I were off to Faulkier to camp for 4 days.
Tukaluk campground is just outside of Nakusp and about 2.5hrs from Nelson. My bother in law's mother owns the campground and we are treated like royalty every time we stay. This time we were meeting my sister and brother in law and my niece. I just felt I hadn't done much camping yet this year and I wanted to get another little trip in before the summer was over.
It was nice. A lot of relaxing, a few campfires, a couple beers and even some beach and a swim in the lake. PERFECT.
I read a book when I was there, it is a true story about a woman with bi polar disorder from Alberta and her struggle with it and how her father found a cure for her, but the government wouldn't approve it EVEN though it is all natural and works!! In fact not only would they not approve it but they tried to stop other people from using it...
Bureaucracy. Makes me think about chemo and the cure for cancer...if they really found one, would they really tell us and put it out there for us to use?? I think cancer generates a lot of money, I mean chemo is $10,000 a bag. And with all of the BILLIONS of dollars put into research, we haven't found a cure? Maybe. But maybe not. Get's you thinking at least.
The property of this campground is magical and everyone who goes there comments on how well they sleep. Babies, adults, insomniacs, they all rave about the energy there.
I tried to take my time when I was there, to soak up the moment, and all of the beautiful things...really take it all in. I think I did a good job.

We had a wedding when we got back from camping.
The couple who gave me the Machhu Piccu photo were back from their trip and got married on a beach in Nelson. It was beautiful and the bride flew in on a float plane. The arch they had on the beach, was decorated with cedar boughs, flowers and a few of the things the lucky couple likes doing together. Mountain bike tires and climbing equipment. It was really cool.
I got a bit jealous thinking about it. I have always wanted to be the active couple. I blame it on having kids and little time, and I blame it on not being naturally athletic, but I think those are all cop outs. Am I just lazy? Or am I afraid of something? Or maybe deep down I don't think I am worthy of that lifestyle. I am not sure, but I have always wanted to be more active and fit and I just cannot force my ass off of a couch to do something about it. I mean, we hike, but it's minor and it isn't all the time. There is definitely room for more.

The day after the wedding, my daughter and I drove up to Kelowna for a doctor's appointment and my cousin's birthday. Another thing on my "To-do list" is to spend more time with family that I don't see very often. It was really nice to go out for dinner and see my cousin and my aunt and my other cousin's wife and kids. It felt comfortable and I wished that it could have lasted longer. I will male a point to see more of them.
The doc appointment was good. My plastic surgeon was running about an hour behind (as usual) and so I missed meeting my other surgeon. Doc looked me over and said everything looks great! I am supposed to go back in 4 months for areola tattooing. I am still not sure if I will or not. It doesn't really seem like I need it. It looks pretty normal without, because the scars are around the areola area and therefore it makes it look like a change in pigment. Anyway, we will see...

The day after I got home from Kelowna we left on a road trip to Seattle and then up to Victoria for another wedding. My husband wanted to take the scenic route and drive thru the states, hit Seattle and then up to Victoria on 2 ferries...this was a good idea!
Seattle was AMAZING! I didn't think I liked cities anymore, but I enjoyed our time in this one. Kerry drove us downtown to our hotel (in which he said he chose the CHEAPEST one downtown) this made me very nervous, however, it was beautiful! We stayed at the Warwick and it was top notch with a beautiful view and right in the heart of everything. We only stayed one night but we got to experience so much. A nice dinner out...Pike's Place Market and SAM (the Seattle Art Museum) featuring my FAVE singer Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and one of my fave artists...ANDY WARHOL. It was very serendipidous really, or maybe I just manifested it, but if I could have picked 2 people to be featured at the museum, it would have been those 2 people. Another "I love my life" moment.
Pikes's Place Market was out of this world. If you haven't been there...GO!!! A gigantic maze of vendors and gourmet food, artsy wears, nostalgia and character. Day of the Dead items, GIGANTIC produce and huge beautiful bouquets of flowers for PENNIES! Old magic shops, a store selling JUST wind up toys, a funky old barber shop, the BEST clam chowder in the world..Piroshkis, the first Starbucks EVER! On and on and on...it was absolutely FAB! As I strolled around inhaling the scents of cotton candy and fresh ground coffee, I realized how grateful I am to be alive, and how important it is to experience new things. I was on a high.

When we were on our way to the market, is when I noticed the SAM and the headline "Kurt"...I just looked at my husband and we both knew it was a must do. Because the museum is an ART museum, it wasn't featuring shadow boxes of Kurt Cobain's old clothes and guitars, it was a cornucopia of many artists tributes to Kurt Cobain, his talent, his music, his life and his death. When entering the exhibit there was a gentleman guarding the entryway who while I was taking a photo of the signage, proceeded to tell us that we would not be allowed to take any photos of any of the Kurt exhibits inside. The first exhibit was may favorite. It was a padded sound like room/booth decorated as though Kurt had just been there. There was a light bulb dangling from the ceiling, flickering. There was a microphone stand in the middle of the room. There were lyrics with drawing on looseleaf. Nirvana was playing loudly from the stereo, though it was a screetching, mishmash of songs. The whole scene was very eerie and I loved it. There was a video that one artist made where she videotaped herself and her kid jumping on a trampoline, then she took the 8mm tape and soaked it in the infamous (from Nirvana lyrics) penny royal tea, bleach and cherry flavored antacid. They played the video on a white screen. There was a framed sketch that Kurt drew, there were various paintings of Kurt. There was a photograph of Kurt's crime scene that a Paparazzo must have taken, with his sneakers showing while he lay on the floor dead. The artwork was not exploiting the death but rather the disturbing nature of those who have exploited his death. Why would anyone take such a photo, I think that was the point. There was a silent video of a woman dancing in a mall to both Smells Like Teen Spirit and then a Marvin Gaye song...you had to guess what song she was dancing to at what time, by her movements....it was all very creative and gave me my fill. the kids liked it to.
The Andy Warhol exhibit was cool...lots of his prints were there, and some photo booth photos of Lou Reed and Edie Sedgewick and other muses of his. Very Cool!
The Trip from Seattle to Victoria was sweet. We got to ride 2 ferries and see lots of cute little towns that I would just love to explore. We passed by Forks (Twilight) and drove right thru Port Angeles to take the ferry (also Twilight affiliated) so that was pretty fun.

Our visit in Victoria was fulfilling. We stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and my little 6yr old cousin that my daughter hit it off with right away. The property we stayed at was very nice. 3-5 acres of forest in Metchosin which is just outside of Victoria. The house was beautiful and the yard was enchanting. It was a very nice visit. The wedding we attended while in Victoria was great also and one day we drove to Naniamo to visit my grandparents who are getting closer to 90 now! It was very nice to see all of our family and made the trip very meaningful. I always love going to my grandparents. They hava house right on the ocean and it brings back my youth every time we go. This time was extra special because sometimes when you are going thru treatment you stop and wonder if you will ever experience these things again. It was nice to. And it was nice to relive the excietment of flipping rocks for crabs, through my kids. As much as it aged me, it reminded me of what life is all about.

The trip home was fine, always a bit rushed but I always love looking out the window, checking out everything and sometimes staring out into acres of forest, wondering what it would be like to be in that exact spot, right in that moment. What does it look like there? How magical is it? Thousands of acres of land that we may never step foot on. It makes me feel very small, and I like that. One eerie thing we experienced on our drive home was by fluke. Kerry had to stop in Hope for gas and as he pulled off of the highway we passed a motel called the Thunderbird Motel. I felt sick right away. This was the hotel that the infamous "friend of mine" (the Calgarian who became VH1 reality star) hid for days from the police and then ultimately hung himself. This guy was accused of killing his wife, and then cutting her fingers off, removing her teeth and stuffing her in a suitcase. He was an old friend of mine from Calgary...I guess I wouldn't call him a friend necessarily but he was an acquaintance and I had socialized with him on more than one occasion, even attending a dinner at his home with his family shortly after he attempted suicide and decided to become a Christian and change his ways....it was sad.
As we drove by the hotel I said a prayer.

All in all the trip was one of the best yet. I crossed about a hundred things off of my "to-do/ bucket list" and I felt fulfilled when we got home. I will post some photos in my next entry.

So as you can see I have gotten my computer back FINALLY and it is in good working order. There are so many things I need to tell you all and I will be posting like a maniac over the next week to try and catch up. It's good to be back. I missed it.
M

Sorry!!!! My computer is broken and won't let me blog!!! I can only write in the title slot for so

2010-09-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

...It's been a long time baby!

2010-09-12T10:27:00.001-07:00

My computer hasn't been working...none of them.
The lap top is on the fritz and the desk top won't let me log into Blogger!
When I have tried using my son's IPOD Touch, it won't let me type anything except a Blog title!!
I think the universe is against me blogging right now.
I will blog as soon as I get my laptop fixed, there is so much to write about!
It has been an exciting month....

"What are you going to do wih your life?"

2010-08-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

The ultimate question that has been burning in my mind all year long.
"What am I going to do with my life?"
While I try to incorporate a little "live like there is no tomorrow" into my everyday life, one cannot obviously base everything on that. If I did, I wouldn't work at all, or do the dishes... I would only eat Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cup blizzards and I would drink copius amounts of Coca Cola...or maybe margaritas...yah, margaritas for sure.
That is not reality.
Before I was diagnosed I wasn't happy with my life. For some of you who know me, this is a vicious circle I have been running around in for a while now. At first it was, I was a stylist and I wasn't happy in the salon, so I built my own salon in my house...then it was that I was sick of the intrusion in my home, so I bought a salon in a commercial space...then I realized I didn't like living in the city, so we moved to Nelson, then I thought I was sick of being self employed and wanted to be under a corporate wing, so I got a corporate job. Then when I was in my corporate job, I was miserable. Then I was diagnosed with cancer.
I know, I know, I sound like a hopeless cause, but I am not.
I know myself VERY well...I know my weaknesses, I know my flaws and I know my strengths.
I know what I like and I know what I don't.
I also know that I will not waste my life being anything but happy with what I am doing.
Even before the cancer I knew that life was too short to do something that you didn't love.
Especially when that "something" is a job that takes up 75% of your life!
I have spent the last year really digging deep within myself. I have privately explored many ideas. I haven't spoken much about these thoughts with others as I knew that until I was sure, I wouldn't really be sure. I knew I could change my mind at any point...
The security of my corporate job is a beautiful thing...benefits (thank the lord for them this year!) the consistent raises, nice!...but then there is the wretched hours, no weekends with my family...some evenings, limited time off, all of the rules...the extreme pressures put on me from the handful of bosses I have..not healthy.
The freedom of my trade (being self employed again) is tempting...being really good at something is priceless...making people happy is rewarding...more time with my kids and husband is great....but then there is the fact that when I am not at work I don't get paid, no vacation pay:(...and what if I get sick again, who is going to take care of me then??
I have juggled the idea of going back to school, of buying another business (YIKES!) and I have even thought about waiting tables like the old days...
In the end, I have to take a step back at the gigantic epiphany I had this year.
I need to acknowledge what feels good to me, what makes me smile. What I can pay the bills with, while still having a life and time with my family, and time to volunteer and give back to the world.
This, in the end, will be the right choice for me.
The answer is near...I can taste it!

Cancer and BRCA genes

2010-08-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was visiting my Mom and Dad in Calgary with the kids in tow.
One night as my six year old daughter and I lay in bed talking she asked me innocently,
"Mommy, do you think I am going to have cancer when I grow up?"
My heart broke, right then and there.
Funny thing, when I told my mom the next morning what she had said, I knew she too felt pain from this question.
My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in December '06', I was diagnosed December '09'.
I know the day I called my Mom with the news she felt the pain
My Mom and I were both tested for the BCRA genes.
With our family history of breast cancer, there is a bit of a "red flag".
If we test positive for either gene, it greatly increases the chance that other women in our family, including our kids, may have the gene and get breast cancer in their lifetime.
So when Lily asked me that night "Mommy, do you think I will have cancer when I grow up?"
All I could say was "I don't know sweetie, it's hard to know, all you can do is try to live as healthy as you can to try to keep cancer away."
I have explained to her before that exercise and certain foods can fight cancer and that certain things we invite into our life can encourage cancer, but it is a hard conversation to have with a child, because the last thing you want them thinking is that, IF they do get cancer one day, it is their fault. That is something I still struggle with, when I reach for a margarita or a piece of candy, or a bowl of KD.
The bottom line is that cancer affects us all, in one form or another. 50% of all men will get cancer in their lifetime. 1 in 3 women will get cancer in their lifetime.
So I shouldn't feel guilt when my kids ask me about their chances...the chances for ANYONE are far too high.
I guess I am just mad that cancer came into our lives and planted "much too serious" thoughts into my daughter's mind. She should be laying in bed looking out at the moon thinking "Will I be a good mommy one day, or a famous dancer one day?" she most certainly should not be thinking about getting cancer.

SOME STATS:
(from the BCCA website)

-One woman in nine will develop breast cancer in her lifetime if she lives to age 80

-A woman's chance of getting breast cancer is:

age 30 - 39 . . . . 0.43 % (often shown as 1 in 233) * I wish my lottery odds were as good*
age 40 - 49 . . . . 1.44 % (often shown as 1 in 69)
age 50 - 59 . . . . 2.63 % (often shown as 1 in 38)
age 60 - 69 . . . . 3.65 % (often shown as 1 in 27)

-While rare, breast cancer can develop in males. For every 100-150 women who get breast cancer, one (1) man will get breast cancer. About 10 - 20 new cases of breast cancer in men are diagnosed each year in B.C

-Drinking alcohol is consistently associated with an increased risk of breast cancer. *BOO

-A woman who has a healthy body weight, exercises regularly and who drinks no or only modest amounts of alcohol has a lower risk for breast cancer. A BMI (body mass index) of 18.5 – 24.9 is recommended.

-The overall risk of getting breast cancer in your lifetime if you have a BRCA1 or BRCA2 abnormality is between 50% and 85%. But a BRCA1 abnormality tends to carry a slightly higher risk.

-A woman’s lifetime risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer is greatly increased if she inherits a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. Such a woman has an increased risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer at an early age (before menopause) and often has multiple, close family members who have been diagnosed with these diseases. Harmful BRCA1 mutations may also increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical, uterine, pancreatic, and colon cancer (1, 2). Harmful BRCA2 mutations may additionally increase the risk of pancreatic cancer, stomach cancer, gallbladder and bile duct cancer, and melanoma (3).

-Men with harmful BRCA1 mutations also have an increased risk of breast cancer and, possibly, of pancreatic cancer, testicular cancer, and early-onset prostate cancer. However, male breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, and prostate cancer appear to be more strongly associated with BRCA2 gene mutations

Massage Miracles...

2010-08-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

A while back I mentioned my fortunate part in a specialty massage class.
I was one of the recipients that the massage students got to practice on daily for a week.
That week just happened to be the week I arrived home from my major surgery.
I cannot tell you how this massage has helped my healing.
The instructor is extremely educated and taught massage for lymph drainage and incision massage to help speed up healing a fade scars.
Here are a few pictures of this beneficial experience!

This is a photo of my kids learning massage...this is before my surgery as you can tell by me laying on my belly...

...Don't worry, Be Happy for me.

2010-08-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted a Mini Cooper.
But I have always been riddled with guilt about so strongly desiring a "material object".
As a mother, I have also always felt guilt buying MYSELF anything at all!
For some odd reason, I never felt worthy and I would always feel I should spend money on my kids or husband or home etc, etc...
As a mother you often put yourself last.

So when I decided I should reward myself with something I have always wanted, after completing treatment and surgery...I had some reservations.
I have followed numerous breast cancer blogs over the last year, and one thing was always the same....once the woman finished her treatment, she rewarded herself with something.
There's been Vespa's, Car's and Trips...
I thought early on this was a good idea, and kind of a motivator for me along the way..."Megan, if you just get thru this chemo, you can go on a nice trip....Megan, I know you're scared about this surgery, but keep your eye on the prize!"
I didn't know what my prize would be all along, but when our old van starting costing us too much and the km's got really high, I knew we needed a new vehicle and I thought..."Why not kill two birds with one stone!"

Last week, after much research and HUNTING, and I mean HUNTING for the best deal, I came home from Calgary with my reward.
And when I drive it and think about all of the things I went through this last year, you know what?
I don't feel guilty.

It's funny though, how people try to make you feel bad, it's funny how people can't just be happy for you. People judge and people analyze...and that's their own issue.
Ultimately it is no one's business but ours, and it puts a big fat smile on our faces,

So to any of you, who go through anything hard in your life...
just remember, life is truly TOO short to deprive yourself of realistic indulgences...
you never know when your time is going to be up, so REWARD yourself at the end of a struggle.
Hell! Reward yourself BEFORE the struggle!!
You deserve it!
Enjoy life!

I read somewhere once, there was a woman fighting cancer for years and thru this journey she was trying to be so healthy and eat so healthy to beat cancer, she deprived herself of the things she really loved...when she lost the battle, she layed on her death bead and on her last days, she said
"I should have just eaten the fried chicken!"
...it was her favorite...

NO REGRETS!

2010-08-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

It's been over a month now since my surgery and I thought I would update everyone on how I am feeling over all since the chemo, cancer and surgery.
In general I have been feeling the best I have since this year began...
I have a little numbness left on my upper arms, breast area and part of my belly, I get a bit swollen in all of these places, but lately my belly has been swelling the most (with the heat of summer)
Everything is LOOKING great! My incisions are cleaning up nice and fading and the shape of my breast and belly are fantastic!
Overall I can't complain! I was finally able to lay on my belly for a few minutes this morning in bed (my favorite way to sleep!)
Getting up from laying or sitting us easier, but I am still a bit stiff and some positions are just akward.
Reaching my arms is a bit of a challenge still but vastly improving as well.
I must admit the surgery was a success and I don't regret it for a minute, it was a small price to pay for peace of mind and health.

One issue I have been dealing with that has been negatively affecting my life is my inability to cope with stressful situations (or control my emotions)
Early on in my journey I experienced so many enlightening moments that I felt as though I could conquer the world! I truly was able to see the important things in life and understood that I was always sweating the small stuff. I laughed at myself for having done so for so long.
Health was (and IS) the most important thing.
But since then, well, really, since the chemo (more specifically the steroids) I have been a bit of an emotional wreck. I cannot say for sure it is the steroids that caused this, or maybe it is "mental menopause" or maybe it is "frazzled nerves" from the trauma I faced over the last year...
Either way, I am struggling with my "coping" abilities.
When something stressful happens I often find myself having a complete panic attack or melt down. I cry A LOT!
It sucks because it affects my kids and my husband (well, everyone around me I guess). When thinking about stressful things I am ok, I am able to change my thoughts and calm myself. This I have mastered....it's just the times when I am caught off guard in certain situations, or when the stress piles up...that's when I break.
I am currently emailing with a psychologist about these issues and am hoping to resolve them soon....

The only other symptom still remaining to remind me of my cancer is the fatigue.
I find I tire out a lot quicker than I used to.
I find I have to listen to my body regularly and stop what I am doing to rest and recharge. This issue is very common as I have never spoken to someone "post treatment" and them say they didn't deal with fatigue. I know that this too will pass.

So that's about it. I just figured I would fill people in, as I have been getting a lot of emails from people wondering how I was doing.
The fact that I haven't been blogging as much means I am up, feeling good and having fun with my summer!!

I will post soon about my new baby...the 2005 Mini Cooper I just bought myself with my critical illness insurance money. I decided to reward myself for beating cancer. It just so happened we were needing a new vehicle and I have always wanted a Mini, and I know that life is too short sooooo......:)

Enlightenment must come little by little - otherwise it would overwhelm. ~ Idries Shah

2010-07-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

Well I am overwhelmed.
Magic has truly happened over and over again this year.
If ever I doubted there being a "higher power" I have been shown over and over again I am wrong.
God exists.
Whether you call him Jesus or Buddha, or Mother Nature or even the "Law of Attraction"...
...if you believe and trust, good will come to you.
If you do good and think positive thoughts, good will come back your way.
I have more proof than I could ever need.
I wish I had a camera with me over the last 9 months so I could show all of you just what I am talking about. To tell you every little thing is very hard, and it is probably hard for you to even believe.
Yes, I had a run of bad luck over the last few years, a lot of overwhelming things happened to us, and then of course late last year, the cancer. When something as big as cancer happens to you, you are forced to surrender all control and trust that God will take care of you, to trust that what is meant to be will be, and whatever that is, is what is best.
It is a hard thing to do. To put ALL trust in God or the universe to take you down the path that is meant for you. But when you are in a situation such as "cancer", you can only control so much of your destiny. you can eat healthy and do the treatments recommended to you and get rest and so on, but ultimately you don't have control of your fate, so you just need to think positive, and put all faith in a higher power.
You need to believe.

I have had SO many "strange" things happen to me over the last year, it is almost hard to believe. It seems that every time I prayed or even just thought in my head, that I needed or wanted something really badly, it would somehow present itself in the oddest of ways.
I had a vision board I had made last year, and I cut out pictures of all sorts of things I wanted to attract into my life. From beachy holidays to sparkly rings to money to more time with my family and a slim body. I know, most of it sounds superficial to me now, but we must all admit, we all dream of these things right? And at the time, I didn't have cancer, so I longed for all the usual things one longs for. I hung the vision board on my wall and for a long while none of it came to me. Looking back now I know that it is because I was in a negative place. I was too busy to look at the board, I was too angry at my job and I was too bitter about life.
This year, since 2010 began, I have been BOMBARDED with all of the things on my vision board plus more! Here are some examples...
When I was first diagnosed, all I could think about was how I was going to afford things...I had paychecks coming in but they were only a percentage of what our budget was used to....
Then, in came money raised from co-workers, friends and family....I even got a check from an insurance policy we didn't even know I had!! That was very strange. Every time we were in need of money throughout the year, somehow it came to us. We haven't had too many moments where were worried about money.
I remember one night, I felt alone in my cancer world, with no one to relate and talk to....I fell into a deep depression. Within the next 24 hrs, a friend emailed me and told me about her old school mate that was also just diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the same age as me and had young kids. I emailed her and instantly found a new friend and a reason to be strong and stand up brave and continue on. We still help each other and I know we always will...she gave my cancer diagnoses a real purpose...to help others with the disease. Once I met her I felt I HAD to be strong, so we could help each other.
When I was getting ready for my surgery, I went for a massage that I had received as a gift earlier in the year...I knew I was very afraid of my surgery and how long it would take me to heal after the big day. During this massage, this massage therapist that I hardly know, asked me when I would be back from my surgery. I told her the date and she said "Perfect! I am teaching a class starting that day and we will need people to practice on all week that week." The class was "Massage for Palliative care and Post-Surgical massage" It was geared for exactly what I would need! Sure enough I had massages all that week and I am actually continuing STILL to get free massage from some of these students. It has helped my healing IMMENSELY! Also that same night, I got a phone call from a woman in town who had the same surgery as I was going to receive. She had "heard" that I needed someone to talk to about it and she filled me with the courage I was looking for.
There were MANY more events that took place this year that confirmed to me there is a God...from wanting certain books and then receiving them "out of the blue" in the mail, to thinking of an old friend and them calling! On and on I could go. Every time something like this would happen I would be filled even more with love and trust and enlightenment.
The most recent event that has put me over the top took place today.
A week or so ago, our old van died. The brakes went on it and a bunch of other things have been broken for a long time. It has high KM's and we just put $700 into it earlier this year...we decided we will be needing a new vehicle. It isn't worth paying more money to keep fixing it. Because we don't (can't) carry loan debt I knew we had to use our savings to buy a new car. Obviously this was less than ideal because the savings was for there for a vacation (hopefully). I had put a small amount aside in hopes we could take a vacation somewhere hot once this cancer thing was all said and done. It was going to be a reward for all my husband and I had been thru this year. So needless to say, it was good I had the money to buy a car, but I was struggling with giving up the holiday.
Last night looking out the truck window, I looked down at the beautiful lake. I was feeling sad about giving up the holiday, but had decided the car was priority. Just then, I felt a good feeling. I was suddenly at peace with it. A voice in my head told me that I needed the car and that the holiday would come to me a different way, not to worry about it. I told myself to just surrender the "control" and just trust.
Today I received an email from a complete stranger (who just happens to live an hour and a half away from here) she said she had been following my blog from the beginning. She was reading it because it was originally about my desire to move to Mexico and she TOO shared that dream. She continued to read the blog when it turned in to my Breast Cancer journey and now she was emailing me. She told me she has a condo in Mazatlan and she would like to offer it to my husband and I to stay in for FREE! Now she had no idea I was having to give up my holiday, she had no idea what kind of dilemma I was in...she just decided she wanted to gift us a holiday, out of the kindness of her heart. She wants us to celebrate the cancer victory! And that we will....I am very grateful, and (if you are reading) I thank you again!

This among so many other generous, kind gestures I have experienced from people this year, has shown me that PEOPLE ARE GOOD! The WORLD IS GOOD! And we all have to help people whenever and however we can. We have to pay it forward whenever we possibly can.
I believe that Karma is why I have been so fortunate this year. Getting cancer changed my view on things, it forced me to slow down and see the world in a different way. Never in my life have I been so positive, never in my life have I helped others, smiled at people, given out compliments, and just radiated hope, trust and love like I have this year. I KNOW for a fact that this positive way of living, along with my strong faith I developed this year, has in turn provided me with what I have wanted and needed this year. It has to be. It has proven itself.

You can ask to receive, but unless you BELIEVE and agree to give back, you will not be a recipient of Karma, or the Law of Attraction, or God's generous gifts.
All I know is that... one really BAD thing happened to me last year...it forced me to change my ways... and ever since...my cup has been overflowing.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it's not there)..
the universe will correspond to the nature of your song
The Movie- "The Secret"

Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it, and it will be yours.
Inspirational Bible Quote Mark 11:24

Whatever karma I create, whether good or evil, that I shall inherit.
Dali Lama

Post Surgical ME!!

2010-07-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of me this past week (Post Tram Flap Surgery) if anyone wants detailed pictures of the incision sites email me and I can send them to you (ex. breasts and belly)
meganshair@gmail.com
Above you can see a bit of the incision site on each side and my newly made belly button (scabby)

My chest is all greasy from massage!

My daughter's shot of me, hair coming in nicely! Lighter than before but I like it!

Relay For Life Cont....

2010-07-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I thought it was about time I posted some pictures of the Relay For Life that myself and my supporters took part in earlier this summer.
It was a real success and I was very happy with all of the people who donated and showed up to walk with us. It was a 12 hr. day filled with lots of activities, contests, cancer ceremonies, and a twilight luminary dedication to survivors and those who lost their battle. It was a very emotional day for me and I am sure for many others, but it felt good to contribute to research and a cure for cancer.

The Relay took place in our local Lakeside Park...what a beautiful place to spend the day, and it was so sunny out all day.

We decorated our tent in a "boxer" theme!

Again, our view for the day, the beach at Lakeside Park.

My supportive sister in law with her Relay shirt on.

My son wearing the shirts that my Father in law made up for us.

Part of the opening ceremony, bag pipers...it was beautiful.

The Survivors lap. We all walked a lap and then the local Dragon Boat team raised their paddles and we walked under their arch while bag pipes played. This part was very emotional and I had to fight hard to keep back the tears as I walked under this arch.

A different view.

Jazzercise!

A few friends enjoying snacks.

My daughter at our tent.

Un-FREAKING-believable!

2010-07-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

This may just be the most important post I make in the history of this blog.
It most certainly will be my favorite post I ever make.
While chatting on the phone with my sister this afternoon, I got a beep from call waiting.
I clicked to the other line and it was a nurse from the chemo room at the hospital.
I had left a message a few days ago inquiring if they had received my Pathology report results from my mastectomy.
She quickly proceeded to tell me that there was "No sign of cancer found in any tissue from either breast, nor was there any cancer found in any of the lymph nodes they pulled (11 total).
These words were the light at the end of the tunnel I have been focused on all year...the thought that the utter hell I have been through this year has finally paid off, brought me to tears!
I sobbed uncontrollably form sheer relief and joy.
Now I can Believe that I am cancer free and continue my life without fear of metastisizing.
I thank all of my friends and family for their support and prayers...
most of all I thank GOD.
I am a believer, and that will never change.
Grateful.

Cancer & Intimacy

2010-07-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm gonna blog about this "sometimes uncomfortable" topic, soooo... if you don't feel comfortable hearing about it, stop reading now!

The bottom line is that this is a HUGE issue, especially with cancer in young adults.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought a lot about it. I worried that I wouldn't be having sex with my husband for the entire length of my treatment! He would cheat on me for sure!! A whole YEAR without intercourse!!
That wasn't the case, but there have been ups and downs (pardon the pun) and different issues for sure, here are some of them.

Before chemo started I was pushed by my doctor to get a "port a cath" which is a surgically implanted access disk they place under your chest, so that they don't have to poke you every time they inject chemo. I refused. For me, I refused it because (not only am I a chicken and dodge any surgery I can but...) I instantly had an image of me naked in front of my husband, bald, boobless, pale and with this "Alien-like" implant sticking out of my body. I couldn't have it. There was a lot of unattractive stuff coming my way, I wanted to limit it as much as possible. I needed to keep myself looking as "normal" as possible in order to get thru this year with the least amount of trauma. I knew that if I looked too sick, I would not want to be intimate and this was a big deal for me. So I refused the port and this was the first real time that cancer had an impact on my sex life. **(Please note that I do NOT think a port is disgusting, I am not saying that in any way...but for me, I was afraid it would freak me out when I looked at it, it was my own choice for ME only.)

My first week of chemo, the nurses told me..."Make sure you don't have intercourse within 48hrs after a chemo treatment, as your bodily fluids are radio-active". this was TOO MUCH! My husband and I laughed when we heard this...I thought, REALLY? Am I going to feel like having sex RIGHT after a chemo treatment? The mental image was quite disturbing!!

Chemo months were ok though...not as sexually active as "pre-cancer life" because I just wasn't feeling great a lot of the time, but there were still a decent amount of good moments. In fact, because cancer is so emotional and there is a lot of fear about mortality and such, cancer can really bring you together with your partner and there were some intimate moments over the last few months, that were VERY special and emotional for me. In some ways, the disease made the sex have much more meaning. Sometimes it's not the quantity, it's the quality.

I had some issues with feeling attractive with my bald head. My husband said it never bothered him, but I couldn't help but feel like I lost a lot of my femininity with my hair loss. I never tried making love with a wig on, but I am sure one could and it may even be fun! I just turned out the lights and hoped he wouldn't feel my bald head....all that said, when you lose your hair on your head, you lose the hair all over your body...it's a perk to not have to shave your legs and...etc. Smooth!

I know for some women chemo can put you into menopause. Though this didn't happen to me, I have read many times, that it is common to have vaginal dryness and some discomfort during intercourse. There are many websites with tips on these issues....

The hardest part for me is right now.
I am post surgery and I worry about my confidence in the future when I am feeling well enough to get things back on track with my husband. I worry that he has seen too much of the freaky, gross stuff (drains, scabs, holes in my body, stitches, bruises, blood) that he is going to be permanently turned off from me.
I worry that he won't find my new body attractive. Not because it doesn't look attractive, because it does! But because it isn't my real breasts...it is going to creep him out? Do I repulse him? I mean I went from a size 4 hot little thing when we fist met to what I am now...it's a BIG change and it sucks.
Sometimes I feel like a freak.
A lot of the reason I chose the Tram surgery is because I have never liked the idea of implants and I know my husband has never found the idea of them attractive. He is very against Plastic Surgery and has always said it was a turn off. So, I am hoping that the results from my surgery will be natural enough for him to feel like it is still me.
I know in my heart he loves me, I know that he isn't superficial, but I just pray that this year of hell hasn't stripped me of my self confidence and stripped Kerry of his physical attraction to me.
Hopefully we can continue our "pre-cancer" life together, and hopefully it will be better than ever.